Feedback Please??

[mazzelsha]

I apologise in advance if I'm in the wrong place, but I would really like some feedback on my poetry! I've submitted three so far, but one I am really interested in having opinions on is:

http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=263207

Thanks to anyone who spares the time to have a look!

 

[WickedEve]

When I read this part, "Please recall their story," I had to go back and look for the "story." I'm sure the real story (or some similar event from your life) would make a good poem. It might be worth it to you to try a poem that actually tells a story, one that gives some details.

 

[mazzelsha]

thanks - that's a good point, I've always meant the communication issue to be part of their story, hinting at further problems behind it, but when not reading from that perspective it does read strangely!

Thanks again - I'll be more wary of that in the future!

 

[wildsweetone]

thanks - that's a good point, I've always meant the communication issue to be part of their story, hinting at further problems behind it, but when not reading from that perspective it does read strangely!

Thanks again - I'll be more wary of that in the future!

Hi mazzelsha and welcome to the poetry forum.

I have read your poem several times and admit I find it difficult to get past the rhyme so please take what I say with a grain of salt.

I'd like to be able to better grasp the story within your poem. I'd like to read specific acts that have caused the turmoil.

To me this poem seems quite abstract. There seem to be many questions, each which could survive in a poem by itself, or perhaps it is the answers that I want to read.

Questions...

Divided by her pain and her torment - what pain and torment?
He lies confused, with face indifferent - why does he lie? why doesn't he care?
For want of a word, gentle and soft - who wants the gentle words?
Compassion and caring, not such a lot - again, who wants the compassion?

Eve is right, she looked for the story and so did I. I want details! lol

I hope you come back to this and write more, write lots more from different perspectives if possible.

I hope something of what I've said makes sense and is useful to you in some way.

Thanks for sharing your poetry.

 

[flyguy69]

Welcome to the PFD.

It is helpful, mazzelsha, to post the text of the poem so that reviewers can easily read and refer to it. I'll do it for you here.

Turmoil
by mazzelsha ©

Divided by her pain and her torment
He lies confused, with face indifferent
For want of a word, gentle and soft
Compassion and caring, not such a lot

So where do they go, what do they do
The choice overwhelming, clouding their view
Adding to the turmoil, reigning within
A mere loving touch to cause a dream to begin

Their story nearly told
Their hearts cold as ice
The cost of their pride
Surely too high

Please recall their story
When you next fall in love
Would you lose your sanity
Or just your heart

Could you give your love all
Would you abandon your life
Could you give your love all
Without bitterness and bile

Take heed random reader
And learn their fate well
The love that burns brightest
Will someday surely fail

Now then: my critique. While the rhyme and meter are uneven, the biggest problem I have with this poem is that it never reveals itself. Like reading menus on the street, I need more than vagueries to enjoy a meal-- I need to smell it, touch it, taste it. The couple in this poem suffers a vague "pain and torment" and is "confused and indifferent," but that is too little information to draw the conclusion that the brightest loves are doomed.

If you expect readers to swallow such a grand moral (and I don't recommend that), you'll need to build a case for it. Tell us what is wrong and how they suffer in specific terms. Avoid cliches like "hearts cold as ice" and let readers draw their own conclusions.

Good luck in revision.

 

[Cockyfox]

I think I see where you're going with the poem. I recommend you lose the rhyme. I think that may be hindering you. Like flyguy said, work on the fundamentals of the poem first.

Above all, don't give up.

 

[mazzelsha]

Thanks guys for all these ideas & feedback - it's definately given me a lot to think about & it's good that I'm seeing it from a different perspective. Although, I was trying to keep it as minimal on the actual detail when I was writing - I didn't want to 'bog' it down with too much information - I can understand why it would cause a reader more problems that way,

With regards to the rhyme, I didn't set out to create it - I was judging it by more what seemed to sound right to me when I read it to myself in my head (!), but as I get back into writing more & receiving feedback I think it's something that I'll be able to judge better.

I have a poem that's still in progess that relates to the same subject matter, it gives a little more detail but I was intending it to carry the story on from this one more. Reading it through, however, I can see how I've fallen into the same traps as this one!

Now that I've written an essay on it, , sorry, I am going to take everybody's comments onboard & I am going to write some different versions of this poem which I would love for you to have a look at for me again & I'll post on here as I get done!

If you can stand my writing two more times, please feel free to check out my other two completed poems and let me know if I have fallen into the same traps!!

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=263205
http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=263204

Thanks again!!

 

[Dangerouspoet]

"Divided by her pain and her torment
He lies confused, with face indifferent
For want of a word, gentle and soft
Compassion and caring, not such a lot"


I agree with all the previous comments on your poem. Please post the whole poem here so I can read it here (as to the other two poems)......but forget the past poems and think about where you can go.

I recomment one poet for you to read.
Ann Sexton. Find her complete poems
in the library. Read her to sense her
diction and how she uses her voice
to recreate her past and bring
the imagery of the past into the poem

1. IMAGERY
THAT is what you poem lacks
IT NEEDS pictures of things.
We need to see .
2.Lose the rhyme.
3. Rewrite the poem using the first person POV (point of view).
4. At the end, there is a beginning again. That is true not only of TS Eliot and his poem -- but of all writing.
5. Always grow. Take risks. Lose control (BUT THEN take control back and make the poem whole)....


Here is my rewrite of your first stanza
It is a start for you to rewrite the poem.
When you do rewrite it, don't use my example.


If I cut myself off from his world
I will tease my self in others.
My confusion breaks walls,
or not, but I will be changed.
Dark birds will fail and drop
with an ominious compassion.

I need to care less,
No, More?
Am I a broken shovel
lost in the graveyard?
Do I live with fresh grass
cut, caught in blades?
The body left behind
lives malodorous dreams.
I cannot help my tenderness.




Divided by her pain and her torment
He lies confused, with face indifferent
For want of a word, gentle and soft
Compassion and caring, not such a lot