Feedback, please?

[Luna_Wolf72]

I just posted chapter one of an ongoing story. Since it is placed in the NonHuman category I was wondering if anyone might like to give it a look see and mayhap give me some pointers on what I could do to improve clarity, content or the like.

You can find the story here:

Beneath A Full Moon

Many thnaks in advance

 

[spyro1123]

I think this story is a little to heavy on the inner monologue at the begining of the story. Sometimes it can be interesting to put together the facts about a charicter just from listening to what they are thinking, but for it to work interesting things need to be happening pretty quickly.

I think you are also suffering from a bit of "I did this... I did that...." writing. Instead of saying "I heard footsteps on the street" try something like, "a woman's footsteps rang out in the damp dark of the street" mix things up so we dont keep reading "I...."

If i were writing this story i belive i would start right in with the woman getting attacked, then backtrack to fill in why he was there. This hooks the reader in at the very begining, instead of letting them drift waiting for something to happen.

My other comment is to try to make things a bit clearer about everything,

I want her. Not to make her part of the pack, or to hide her away for fear that she will break in the real world. No, I want her for me. To mold, to cherish, to cause pain and soothe with kisses when I am done. I want to wrap her in leather, stroke her with a lash and caress her with my body. I want her.

This doesnt make a whole lot of sence to me I feel like i havent been introduced to this charictar enough for something like this to make sence. I dont know about the pack dynamics, i dont know what he is talking about.

I liked the feel of the story but i found i was skipping large parts of it because i couldnt understand, or simply didnt care yet about everything he was thinking becasue i dont have a relationship to his charicater yet.

 

[Typo Fu Master]

This isn't normally the kind of story I read, so I can't really give you the kind of feedback you're interested in, except to say that I still enjoyed it.

As a side note, I mostly agree with what spyro said, except that I had no difficulty following the character's "inner dialogue." Also, it's my understanding that the werewolf is female. Spyro seems to indicate she was a he. Did I miss something?

 

[Luna_Wolf72]

Thank you both for your kind words. Typo, you were correct in thinking the Lupa is a female..it is a lesbian story after all.

The inner dialogue was more for the original recipient as opposed to being a way to progress the story. It makes sense in that light even if not in any other way. I also thought of it as heavy on the first person and in that light I get what you were saying spyro..but I couldn't think of a better way to fix it without changing the intent of the story i.e. a personal fantasy between myself and a submissive friend of mine.

Anyway, at least I know what I should work on fixing in the second chapter..so I appreciate the help..

Luna

 

[spyro1123]

This isn't normally the kind of story I read, so I can't really give you the kind of feedback you're interested in, except to say that I still enjoyed it.

As a side note, I mostly agree with what spyro said, except that I had no difficulty following the character's "inner dialogue." Also, it's my understanding that the werewolf is female. Spyro seems to indicate she was a he. Did I miss something?

No i am just an idiot, who shouldnt be reading stories and commenting on them so late at night.

It wasnt that i had a lot of difficulty following it, i just didnt understand what purpose it served.

anyway i am going to shut up before i do something else dumb

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Most of the story is good, in my opinion. I agree that it's told too much from Sherry's head. It's what I think of as essentially a one-person story. Sheri's character and personality are never a factor and are never developed. I'd have to go back and check, but I don't think that Sheri has a direct quote in the entire story. She's just a sex object.

This is very good: "She told me a name: Sheri. I did not believe her, but I let it slide. The name wasn't what I needed anyway." I like that. It shows some interaction between the characters, and tells us pretty much all we need to know about the narrator's motivation.

But I didn't understand what being a werewolf had to do with the rest of the story. Once she scares the men off and scares Sheri in the park, the rather extraordinary fact that she's a supernatural being doesn't seem to enter into the story at all. So why make her a werewolf in the first pace? Or are you going to use the device more in later chapters?

And for me, there's something slightly off about picturing a werewolf going to the kitchen for a cup of ice cubes and candles for some sex play. Even the idea of a strap-on seems somehow wrong. I mean, if she's a shape-shifter, how about making her able to create her own penis? That would be kind of interesting.

The biggest stopper for me was trying to understand why on earth Sheri would go home for some wild BDSM play with a strange woman she already knew to be a supernatural monster. The relationship never feels real (and I know it's a fantasy story, but still, things should be plausible), and that just enhances the feeling that she's not a real character, just a convenient plot device. That's what gives the story such a one-person feel.

But I don’t want to come down too heavy on this, because most of it is good. Make Sheri a little more real and let her participate in the story more--let us see what she gets out of the sex--and it'll be really good.

All the best,

---dr.M.

 

[XXplorher]

(mistake)