Feedback Please?

[RebeccaLeah]

This is the first thread I've ever started so forgive me if I get something wrong. I was hoping that if anyone had time they could give a quick read and review. I'm not sure yet if it is going to get longer, but this is where it's stopped for now. One of the things bugging me is the 4th line, I keep flipping between "the air heavy" or "the air was heavy." I also don't have the foggiest of ideas for a title.
Thank you all so much,
Becca


I dreamed a dream last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamed a dream last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamed a dream last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

 

[twelveoone]

This is the first thread I've ever started so forgive me if I get something wrong. I was hoping that if anyone had time they could give a quick read and review. I'm not sure yet if it is going to get longer, but this is where it's stopped for now. One of the things bugging me is the 4th line, I keep flipping between "the air heavy" or "the air was heavy." I also don't have the foggiest of ideas for a title.
Thank you all so much,
Becca


I dreamed a dream last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamed a dream last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamed a dream last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

You are not doing anything wrong, by starting a thread.
Welcome.
I hope you do not perceive this as meaness.
You have a line starting and repeated two more times (a reprise).
I dreamed a dream last night
You have to ask yourself, have I heard it before?
If the answer is yes, change it somehow.
to your question:
"the air heavy"
is acceptable

 

[RebeccaLeah]

I dreamed a dream last night
You have to ask yourself, have I heard it before?
If the answer is yes, change it somehow.

Off the top of my head, Shakespeare, Romeo and Juliet just before Mercutio goes into Queen Mab. Could I mention that in Author's notes and still use it though? I know it's been used multiple times in other places, and it wasn't what I was thinking of when I wrote it.
Thanks.

 

[annaswirls]

Welcome RebeccaLeah,

I am too sleepy to make suggestions, but I had to say that I really enjoyed this poem. My favorite part were the demons escaping and being happy about the blaze, I could just picture them giggling.

I think 1201 was not intending that you cite a source, but that you are careful in choosing phrases that are over-used.

I have some quick suggestions for you, if you want, let me know. It is a poem I know I would enjoy experimenting with, but not everyone likes to have their poem messed with


Welcome again,

anna

This is the first thread I've ever started so forgive me if I get something wrong. I was hoping that if anyone had time they could give a quick read and review. I'm not sure yet if it is going to get longer, but this is where it's stopped for now. One of the things bugging me is the 4th line, I keep flipping between "the air heavy" or "the air was heavy." I also don't have the foggiest of ideas for a title.
Thank you all so much,
Becca


I dreamed a dream last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamed a dream last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamed a dream last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Welcome RebeccaLeah,

I am too sleepy to make suggestions, but I had to say that I really enjoyed this poem. My favorite part were the demons escaping and being happy about the blaze, I could just picture them giggling.

I think 1201 was not intending that you cite a source, but that you are careful in choosing phrases that are over-used.

I have some quick suggestions for you, if you want, let me know. It is a poem I know I would enjoy experimenting with, but not everyone likes to have their poem messed with


Welcome again,

anna

Thank you so much, some of the lines completely wrote themselves, the demons would be one of them.

Ohhhhhhh, that makes sense. I'll see if I can think of something else that isn't as...popular.

I'd love to hear your ideas, after you get a good-night's sleep. I may not use them, but I would definitally appreciate it.

 

[Remec]

This is the first thread I've ever started so forgive me if I get something wrong. I was hoping that if anyone had time they could give a quick read and review. I'm not sure yet if it is going to get longer, but this is where it's stopped for now. One of the things bugging me is the 4th line, I keep flipping between "the air heavy" or "the air was heavy." I also don't have the foggiest of ideas for a title.
Thank you all so much,
Becca


I dreamed a dream last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamed a dream last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamed a dream last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

I think I would go with "was heavy", it seems to add a beat to the rhythm that appeals more to me. Also, "The air heavy with it" comes across to me as if you were about to say something about the air...as opposed to it being an addon thought to the phrase before.

Two things I would consider...
1) Restructuring the end of the first stanza to end in the word 'flames'. I know, I can be a touch retentive when it comes to parallelism.

2) In the same vein, finding something to expand the third one to five lines like the other two.

Possible title... 'Burning Dreams'

 

[impressive]

This is the first thread I've ever started so forgive me if I get something wrong. I was hoping that if anyone had time they could give a quick read and review. I'm not sure yet if it is going to get longer, but this is where it's stopped for now. One of the things bugging me is the 4th line, I keep flipping between "the air heavy" or "the air was heavy." I also don't have the foggiest of ideas for a title.
Thank you all so much,
Becca


I dreamed a dream last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamed a dream last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamed a dream last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

Hi, Bec. Nice to see you exploring your poetic side. I agree with the other suggestions thus far.

I would also consider ending your stanza-opening lines with a colon rather than a comma.

Lots of potential here for a longer work -- especially expanding between the 2nd and 3rd stanzas with stuff like "my soul," "my heart," "my eyes," "my hope," "my hands" was/were burning. (The *I* was burning should me last, IMO.)

Would also consider "closeted demons" in lieu of "demons in the closet," followed by dropping the "They" from the next line.

I look forward to reading more as this develops.

~ Imp

EDITED: I like "the air heavy" (the "was" makes it more prose-y). As for a title, I like "At Stake"

 

[WickedEve]

The poem has real potential.
As far as "I dreamed a dream last night," it's not that bad. It may not be original but it's such a basic phrase that it can be difficult not to use it on occasion. But if you want something different, then really think about the phrase and play around with it a bit. What is a dream? Images in your head, a skewed memory, shadow puppets foretelling the future? Okay, you may not want to go with puppets. lol Anyway, that's one approach you can try. You may end up with a real killer phrase.


There were shadows in my head last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

There were shadows in my head last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the demons in the closet.
They escaped, dancing gleefully in the flames.

There were shadows in my head last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch finally caught in the whirlwind of flames.

 

[RebeccaLeah]

Reworked

Wow, thank you all so much. I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
Changed the first lines and added a bit. So, reworked and getting closer to done. The second, third, and fourth stanzas I'm a little unsure of the order of, any suggestions?

I dreamt of fire last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My love was burning.
Her body caught by believers,
Those who prayed against us.
Cannibals hungrily devouring a fallen one of their own.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the closeted demons.
They had escaped, and were dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My lies were burning.
No longer contained,
In the dark confines of my mind.
No longer slipping along the smoothness of my tongue.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My heart was burning.
My faith shriveled,
Lost in the heat of hatred.
My self confidence peeling off like so many layers of burnt skin.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My empty soul was burning.
Only beautiful just now,
The flames flying through her.
Her crystal tears dried by the heat, her body swept away by the wind.

I dreamt of fire last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch speared in the whirlwind flames.

 

[annaswirls]

Looks great!

Something to consider: with the new I dreamt of fire last night... you are really heavy of dreams and burning and fire images. You have dreams (hopes/aspirations) burning in the fire of a dream. It gets a little confusing and tired. Just my opinion. (I see good things in this poem, I never really do feedback like this )

I hope you do not mind experimenting to see what happens if I trim it down a little? I am not cutting any content, just trimming it through condensing ideas together.

I am also not making this like a real, finished poem, just showing some options. Line breaks are not done, I took out capitalization which is not necessarily the best thing. Just something.

Keep writing

J



I dreamt of fire last night,
My house was burning.
The air became heavy with the stench of self-destruction

The soot, the ashes of dreams, finally burned away. (can you burn away soot and ashes?)


My love was burning,
caught by believers,
who prayed against us
as Cannibals hungrily devoured
another one of their own, fallen.

I dreamt of fire last night.
All the closeted demons escaped
and danced gleefully in the flames.

In my dream
exposed lies burned,
no longer able to slip
along the smoothness of my tongue.

I dreamt of fire last night,
my heart burned and faith shriveled
in the heat of hatred.
Self-confidence peeled
like layers of burnt skin.

I dreamt of fire last night.
My love’s crystal tears dried in the heat,
as her body swept away by the wind.


I am the fire that burns,
the heretic witch speared in a whirlwind of flame.

 

[impressive]

Wow, thank you all so much. I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
Changed the first lines and added a bit. So, reworked and getting closer to done. The second, third, and fourth stanzas I'm a little unsure of the order of, any suggestions?

I dreamt of fire last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My love was burning.
Her body caught by believers,
Those who prayed against us.
Cannibals hungrily devouring a fallen one of their own.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the closeted demons.
They had escaped, and were dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My lies were burning.
No longer contained,
In the dark confines of my mind.
No longer slipping along the smoothness of my tongue.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My heart was burning.
My faith shriveled,
Lost in the heat of hatred.
My self confidence peeling off like so many layers of burnt skin.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My empty soul was burning.
Only beautiful just now,
The flames flying through her.
Her crystal tears dried by the heat, her body swept away by the wind.

I dreamt of fire last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch speared in the whirlwind flames.

Bec,

I'll come back to this later -- but one thing jumped out at me immediately: "empty soul." None of your other fires have descriptors. I recommend removing the word "empty" from this line and conveying the void in subsequent lines. Love the "my lies were burning" line!

~ Imp

 

[twelveoone]

Wow, thank you all so much. I can't tell you how helpful this has been.
Changed the first lines and added a bit. So, reworked and getting closer to done. The second, third, and fourth stanzas I'm a little unsure of the order of, any suggestions?

I dreamt of fire last night,
My house was burning.
Self-destruction was rank,
The air heavy with it.
The soot, the ashes of my dreams I had finally burned away.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My love was burning.
Her body caught by believers,
Those who prayed against us.
Cannibals hungrily devouring a fallen one of their own.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My life was burning.
All that I had hid,
All the closeted demons.
They had escaped, and were dancing gleefully in the flames.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My lies were burning.
No longer contained,
In the dark confines of my mind.
No longer slipping along the smoothness of my tongue.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My heart was burning.
My faith shriveled,
Lost in the heat of hatred.
My self confidence peeling off like so many layers of burnt skin.

I dreamt of fire last night,
My empty soul was burning.
Only beautiful just now,
The flames flying through her.
Her crystal tears dried by the heat, her body swept away by the wind.

I dreamt of fire last night,
I was burning.
The heretic witch speared in the whirlwind flames.

I bow, an apt student,
keep at it. Still too many abstractions, overused phrases.
good here:
My self confidence peeling off like so many layers of burnt skin.

You have some excellent suggestions above. Eve's point about the killer phrase is very important, especiallly if it is the lead line.

 

[ABSTRUSE]

B,
I'm so very proud of you.

but I'm biased and think you're brilliant anyway.

J