feedback please?

[Sateema Lunasi]

Okay, I have only written one erotic story before, but in the last week I have been writing like crazy. I just got a few of them posted and would love to get critique on them.

Thanks so much,
S

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

the links:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10898

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10897

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=10900

 

[BrettLynn]

I've read your stories. They're OK. You just need to loosen up more, that's all. It's OK to be horny and needy and slutty...this is a sex story site!

 

[Mickie]

Lament -- Well written. Can’t help but say that, and you should keep writing. There’s some talent in there if you can develop a true plotline. But of course that isn’t extremely necessary in this kind of scene. Any vehicle for a glimpse of the nasty. What I think you were going for was a feeling more than anything else. You began to accomplish it simply because of the wording. Good going. Personally, I like people who know how to phrase a sentence and make me see something.
My advice is to watch how many times you start a sentence with ‘I’. It gets a little static if used too much. When writing third person then of course it’s the ‘he’, ‘she’, and proper names that get used to nauseum. Other than that, the writing works well.
Now, the rest of this I’ve kind of picked apart. Please take this in the manner to which it’s meant. If I decide to pick, then it’s worth picking at. (That only means that there’s some promise here according to my not so humble opinion.)

First sentence, rather noticeable -- feet should be feel. Other than that, no real discernable errors of that type. I liked the opening line, but that single error spoiled it. The beginning is good, but perhaps there should be more of an indication that her first impression of being tied is a fantasy. Think of what your reader is seeing, and know that they cannot read the author’s mind.
Next, she knows she’s in danger before she wakes. How? Tell me, and describe it. No need to skimp on setting just because it’s in a sex site and you think you need to get to the sex. There are a few of us descriminating readers out here who LIKE the set up, the torture of waiting and the pleasure of getting to know the main character before she spreads her thighs.
Watch the paragraphing. Example -- {I gasp, not sure if I should close my eyes, for fear of my mind disbelieving what I am seeing. He is beautiful. He is dangerously sexy, and he is not human.

The words rolling from his lips like honey,

"I found you sleeping in my bed. What...}
Instead --- I gasp, not sure if I should close my eyes for fear of disbelief. He is beautiful. He is dangerously sexy.

He is not human.

“I found you sleeping in my bed.” The words rolled from his lips like honey. “What...

See where the impact is when you paragraph this way? Focus on her thought that he isn’t human, and the rest is dressing.

She may not believe she’s acting and feeling this way, and neither do the readers. Give her a backbone and let her find a reason. I think that’s what the last comment was about, that you needed to loosen up. It was rather a contentless feedback, more insulting than informative, but you’ll have to pick out the nectar from the nettles. Perhaps it’s because she’s secretly dreamed of being raped by a vampire, or perhaps she just hasn’t been touched in the last fifteen years. It’s up to you, the author, to give your characters some flesh.

The rest is pretty much a standard sex scene, and, to tell the truth, it isn’t badly written. However, to give it some tension, you might have her fight her unreasonable lust. Conflict is the essence of a story. Perhaps even have her worry about the effects of what he’s doing to her, foreshadow the ending a bit. And, just a question -- why does she turn into a vampire in the end. Did he bite her? Or is sex an equal way to birth a vampire in this story. Clarify.

All in all, it would have been a far better read if it went into more detail. The writing was good enough that I wanted more detail. Give me a line into the main character’s mind and I think you have it.

Adagio --
My, my. I really like the image of a young student playing violin while her teacher continues teaching something else. It approaches something here, but I think you got too tangled up in the sex to explore her mind sufficiently. The set up in the beginning could have been worked into the seduction, though. Since this seems to be more of a scene than a story (but there’s a story here, you know, if you can isolate it) I won’t comment on plot. As the beginning of a novel it would work tremendously well. Have you thought of that? Just who is Maestro? Why would he be seducing a student? The answers to these questions would form a plot and on you go. He sounds like you could make him into a mysterious and wonderful character if you tried.
The addition of the other two, while sexually stimulating, detracts from the almost raport the student and teacher have. Either have them watching in the first place or cut them. They interrupt the flow. Actually, I’d like to see this strengthened into another chapter or two, just to get the impact of the woman and her teacher. Is he a teacher in more than one aspect? That would eventually give reason to include the other two.
Basically, what I see here is a hurried attempt to tell a sex scene from someone who’s writing can encompass better. Slow down, give the reader a brain and not just sex organs. It’s all the more stimulating when the reader understands the nuances as well as the blatant attraction.

Cafe Italia
Cut the intro and start with “In the dim light of a little candle-lit Italian cafe, I met her.” Go into the rest from there. It works better. An opening line can catch someone faster than a host of introduction to the scene. The rest is just a scene, no real story to it, but it’s pretty hot. If you’re going to do a single scene, then the intro is unnecessary.
I hate to say it, but I LOVE plot. I know, as a man I’m supposed to get really into those letters to Hustler kinda things, but setting and tension are just as important to me as the moans and groans. Erotica vs porn. I find the scent and feel of a silk strap on a soft, milk-white shoulder more lustful than a beaver shot. Your writing style says you do, too. So set up the scene and give me something to surround it with. A story.
The first one, Lament, began to tell a good tale. It was simple, as all short stories need to be, but it had a beginning, a middle and an end. (A good climax, too! *Chuckle*) Do some more with it, flesh it out and you can have a really good written piece, not just some piece of fluff that is good to get your dick hard. Description, you do well. Add to it. Start with a fantastic description on your next story, grab the reader by the balls and don’t let go until you’ve had your say. You can do it.
Okay, I’m getting off my soapbox. Just keep writing. And I’ll do my level best as well. If you feel like climbing on your own soapbox, then check out my story -- Goddess of Winter, in the non-human section -- and tear me apart. I like it rough. *Grins demonically*
Mickie

 

[Sateema Lunasi]

thank you sooo much

Thank you SO much for the critique. That is the only way I can improve my writing, really.

Most of the stuff I have written as of now has been cheap sex stories with the possibility of a plot. I am changing that (I hope.) I am working on one right now that I think you might like but it is turning out to be rather long. I don't know when I will finish it.

One of my biggest problems in my writing is that I am terribly lazy. I start with a great idea in my head and I spend fifteen minutes on the story in which I really THINK about it, and then swoosh...all of my attention is no longer focused or directed. It just becomes sex or a cheap ending.

You are so right about Adagio too. I just realized that by re-reading it. The introdusction of the secondary characters was destracting and just to make it "kinkier." Maybe sometime I will rewrite that, but now I am focused on this new story I am writing.

So far, my ideas are fairly loose about this new one, but it is going to be plot, not sex. The setting will be interesting as well, for I am basing all the locations on real places that are quite exotic, all places I have been. Hehe. So far, it involves a 19th century Benedictine Abbey, two rich and seriously disturbed Catholic school girls, a brilliant and mysterious Oxford Professor, witchcraft, a bizarre and secluded Scottish Island, a murder, a ghost and a mental institution.

That's a lot.
I am workin' on it.

I am going right now to read your story...
Luv,
S

 

[Mickie]

THIS is what I do this for! The plot you're suggesting sounds wonderful! Busy, but it can be worked. I'll be checking out anything else you might want me to take a peek at. Send me an email if you want when it posts. I'll comment. Good luck, and keep writing.
Mick

 

[BrownCuriousity]

Well I've read your stories and I think they are well written. Sometimes they leave you wanting more towards the end, but that's a great vehicle if you wanted to start a series based on recurring characters. I think you should keep writing and keep improving....seems great so far.