Feedback Please

[NeoQuaid]

I'm new to Literotica... (couple of weeks) and I've submitted 7 poems I've written over the past few years... I know they will not be to everyone's tastes etc, but I would welcome some feedback from anyone on their content... Don't be afraid to criticise - I will only learn through listening to you guys...

Here's a link to my profile page and submissions....

Thanks in advance

 

[Angeline]

Hi NeoQuaid

and welcome to the poetry board. Your greeting is so friendly and your request for feedback so polite that I could not skip over this thread.

I went to your page and skimmed through your poems. I will admit that structured, rhyming poetry is less to my taste than free verse. Further, I rarely write explicit poetry--though I do write erotic poems--so I'm probably not the best reviewer to turn up in your thread. Lucky you, lol.

However, I can see that you are a thoughtful writer and that you can turn a phrase. Many writers of erotica are not so skilled in my opinion, so you're already ahead of the game.

I think of your poems, Taste You is the best written, in terms of the language you use and the relative lack of cliche. Any poem is improved by a fresh approach, so you might want to look back at this one and think about how you might say things to be clear and descriptive, but at the same time approach the subject in a less conventional way.

I'd also recommend that you read other poets here. Two poets in particular that I think have alot to offer are JUDO and smithpeter. JUDO often writes explicit poetry that rhymes, but she has a wonderful way with words and a great imagination. smithpeter is a prolific writer of erotic poetry and has a very creative mind coupled with an absolutely unique writing style. You can learn a great deal from both of them.

Keep writing and posting.

 

[OT]

I'm new to Literotica... (couple of weeks) and I've submitted 7 poems I've written over the past few years... I know they will not be to everyone's tastes etc, but I would welcome some feedback from anyone on their content... Don't be afraid to criticise - I will only learn through listening to you guys...

Here's a link to my profile page and submissions....

Thanks in advance

Perhaps pick a particular poem, and post it here.
A person or few will no doubt peruse and pick at it.

Reviewing your entire page-o-poems is a daunting task.

 

[NeoQuaid]

Re: Hi NeoQuaid

Hi and welcome to the poetry board. Your greeting is so friendly and your request for feedback so polite that I could not skip over this thread.

I went to your page and skimmed through your poems. I will admit that structured, rhyming poetry is less to my taste than free verse. Further, I rarely write explicit poetry--though I do write erotic poems--so I'm probably not the best reviewer to turn up in your thread. Lucky you, lol.

However, I can see that you are a thoughtful writer and that you can turn a phrase. Many writers of erotica are not so skilled in my opinion, so you're already ahead of the game.

I think of your poems, Taste You is the best written, in terms of the language you use and the relative lack of cliche. Any poem is improved by a fresh approach, so you might want to look back at this one and think about how you might say things to be clear and descriptive, but at the same time approach the subject in a less conventional way.

I'd also recommend that you read other poets here. Two poets in particular that I think have alot to offer are JUDO and smithpeter. JUDO often writes explicit poetry that rhymes, but she has a wonderful way with words and a great imagination. smithpeter is a prolific writer of erotic poetry and has a very creative mind coupled with an absolutely unique writing style. You can learn a great deal from both of them.

Keep writing and posting.

Angeline,

Many thanks for your swift response and your positive comments especially on Taste You... I will take heed of what you have said... I know I can sometimes rush things but I find if I revisit and rework I sometimes lose the message of the original (simple though those messages might be). I will take up your suggestions and look at JUDO and smithpeter, and of course I'll return the favour and read some of yours too...

Again, many thanks, NeoQ

 

[NeoQuaid]

Re: Re: Feedback Please

Perhaps pick a particular poem, and post it here.
A person or few will no doubt peruse and pick at it.

Reviewing your entire page-o-poems is a daunting task.

Thanks OT for the suggestion... here is one from the 7 on there
NeoQ

Reach Out

I reach out to touch you
But you are not there
Your away from me now
I guess life isn't fair

But I cannot forget
The way that you were
The effect on my life
The strong feelings you'd stir

You unleashed my passion
When I had found you
You made me so happy
With the things that you’d do

You knew how to love
You knew how to play
I thought you were mine
But you still went away

But now you are gone
You’d "moved on" you said
But my heart is all broken
And my love is now dead

 

[OT]

RE: Reach Out

My first impression is that is's rather plain in the sentiment and style. Around here it's often called a "Hallmark poem". Since Hallmark sells millions of cards, that isn't necessarily a bad thing, but realize that most will read it and shrug.

If you write in this style, there are a couple of things you can work on.

First thing is watch for typos. "Your away from me now", should be "You're away from me now".

The next thing is to try to tighten up the wording for crisper read. Even dropping a couple of words sometimes helps. For example, count how many times you used the word "But". In most instances, you could delete it without losing meaning.

Instead of the passive "I guess life isn't fair" and "But you still went away"
try a more forceful, "Life isn't fair" and "you went away".

Try to avoid common rhymes like "You" and "Do".


I'm only one reader.
Use or lose my suggestions at your discretion.