Feedback please

[EroticMuse]

Hello everyone, after a long break I have decided to once again start putting my writings online. However, I am not sure whether I need to adjust my style/content or whatever to appeal to the masses. Keep in mind I am a die-hard romantic and my writings tend to gravitate towards that. Any comments would be appreciated. Thanks for your time in reading this and my stories.

Be gentle, I am a virgin *grins*

Night Of Passion (Romance)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30008

The Lake (Erotic Couplings)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=30007

 

[kristydoll]

Hi,

I read "The Lake" and will make a few comments. First off, as a story, it's a nice little read. It was simple and had somewhat of a 'romantic' feel.

What this story does need is some tightening up. Take your first paragraph.

The night is warm and a slight breeze is blowing, you decide to go for a walk as TV is really boring. You head down the road to the lake thinking to yourself "A midnight dip would sure feel good." You get to the lake and sit down on a rock under a tree, enjoying the sound of the water hitting against the shore. You close your eyes and lean back, enjoying the solitude. Listening to the birds and night creatures making their nighttime noises.

The "TV is really boring" does not work in the first line. Same with "thinking to yourself" in the second line. An option is - You head down the road thinking a midnight dip would feel good.

There are also a lot of "you"s in that first paragraph. Many people do not enjoy reading "you" stories (myself included) and to do it properly takes a lot of work. If you keep this format, try to vary the starts of your sentences so they do not all begin with "you".

Saying that, you tell the story fine *smiles* and I did enjoy it on a whole. Keep working on your format - and always reread to check for misspells.

Keep writing!
kristy

 

[EroticMuse]

Thank you kristy

Thank you very much for your critique on The Lake, its exactly what I was looking for. I have to agree after reading it again that the word "you" was abused, bad me! I know it needs major re-working and with your excellent feedback, I think I have a starting game plan to make it more palatable

~Blows you a kiss for helping me~

 

[dr_mabeuse]

Feedback

I don't have as big a problem with first person as I do with present tense. First person with present tense made me feel after awhile that I was hypnotized and you were giving me orders.

Aside from that, I think you write very well, and your attention to the details of lovemaking is quite extraordinary. I see no reason why your skills wouldn't work terrifically in second or third person and past tense.

As well done as these pieces are, I don't know why they seem so emotionally flat to me. Maybe it's because you start with the Narrator at a high point of arousal so there's no place for him to go, or maybe it's the tense/person thing. I'd like to know if anyone else felt this way.

One thing that's entirely my issue and not yours, is that I find the idea of a man dancing to arouse a woman just ludicrous. I guess that's because I know what I'd look like if I tried it, and it wouldn't look good.

One other interesting thing: I assumed from your name that you were a woman. Isn't a Muse always female? So I was reading the "Night of Romace" piece which startes with the narrator dancing, and I figure it's a woman. Then N removes the lover's bra, so I figure N's a lesbian. Finally, it dawns on me that the narrator is a man, and I had to go back a start all over with this in mind.

I'd really like to see you what you write in past tense.

Regards,

---dr.M.

 

[the_bragis]

Hello

Hello EroticMuse,

You have a couple of very nice stories here, well not so much stories as vignettes, but still very nice.

Night of Passion:

You know I kind of read this the same way as dr-m, I thought it was about two lesbians at first. I mean I know it's a fantasy, but honestly "..I clear the dishes from our meal" how unrealistic is that I ask? I mean how many men would actually do that?

Seriously thought, I couldn't imagine a man doing a seductive dance as a prelude to sex either. Men, or at any rate the men I know, just don't do that kind of thing. Slowly stripping of the clothes, blowing kisses, running hands over the body, are all feminine traits to me. When I read silk boxers, I thought, ok this is the dyke half of the pair. It wasn't until I was right into the story that I twigged they were male and female.

I felt there were maybe just a few too many 'I's here also. I guess it's just one of the traps of writing in the first person.

The Lake:

Again like the doc, I feel this style can too easily sound like orders being given. And, when you write in the second person, you automatically ostracize half of your readers. Let me tell you, my other half has a wonderful and wicked imagination, but there's not way he is going to be able to relate to "You feel him sucking on your clit and his tongue teases the tip faster and faster", since thankfully, he doesn't have a clit.

Like your other story, I was unsure of the sex of the characters at first, then when I read, "As you watch him you become hypnotized, your hands moving in the same pattern as his and imagining your hands to be his. " I assumed, it's was written for gays.

I don't know, maybe it's just me? Maybe I've just got gays and lesbians on the brain today.

You know who's who, and what's what, but you need to make it clearer to your readers.

Sure both pieces are very nicely written, and certainly the sex positively sizzles, however you are doing yourself a big fat disservices writing in the present tense. Most readers find this style very awkward to read, many will simply back click when they see this style. Only a handful of authors can really pull it off.

Unfortunately, many readers find second person stories just as awkward, so couple that with present tense, and you are really putting yourself behind the eight ball before you have a single view or vote.

Ok, overall, very nice, very sexy, and totally romantic.

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem).

 

[PaulX35]

Hi EroticMuse

Thanks for posting your stories. So far, I only had time to read the first.
Other commented on this as well: you leave things unclear as to the gender of your characters. As to Alex' comments on the unlikeliness of men doing dishes: keep in mind she's Aussie
If you feel you should use it in an erotic story, you might as well use it to confuse our sexist prejudice, I feel

It may not be a surprise to you that the "I-perspective" can be hard to handle in a story. And it is in yours as well.
While you use pleasant descriptions that are imaginative and sexy, I could simply not help becoming a tad bored with the never ending series of "I did's". A good story simply needs more variation in sentence building, especially when it - like yours -relies on so little direct speech. I do understand you tried to keep the story tightly into the I-perspective, but it's a demanding task to continue to keep the reader drawn to that perspective.
Maybe try adding in a couple of more general descriptions? It would allow the reader to move off the I-hook for a few moments, and I think it will do your story good.

Keep the good work going

Paul

 

[Octavian]

PaulX35

PaulX35 wrote

As to Alex' comments on the unlikeliness of men doing dishes: keep in mind she's Aussie

I love it!

 

[the_bragis]

Dear Octavian,

(Since Frank P. Church is dead, maybe you can tell me the truth?)

I am twenty something years old. Some of my little friends say there is no such thing as a man who will clean dishes. Paul says, "If you see it in Lit, it's so. And it's because I am from Australia that I have doubts. " Please tell me the truth; is there a man who will really clean dishes?

Alex .

 

[Octavian]

Dear Alex

Dear Alex,

You ask, “Is there a man who will really clean dishes?”

The existence of such a creature is the subject of much speculation, as is the existence of the Yeti in the Himalayas or indeed closer to home, the Loch Ness Monster.

If such a creature really does exist I would not expect it to be domiciled in Australia. If, by some freak of nature, it were, I am sure that most Aussie males would deny it---they are known to be sensitive about their macho image, “strewth, Sheila, you’ll have me doing embroidery, next!”

 

[Pookie]

Re: Feedback

I don't have as big a problem with first person as I do with present tense. First person with present tense made me feel after awhile that I was hypnotized and you were giving me orders.

The portion of the story quoted seems to be 2nd person to me?? Am I missing something? ... I know, I know ... I do need to go read the story first. But it does give me the same feeling of being ordered around from the little bit I see here which reminds me of 2nd person.

 

[EroticMuse]

Wow, thank you all for your wonderful input. Being semi-new, okay realllly new at writing, I was unsure at to what way to express certain things, therefore I wrote as I did. To Me at the time it was appealing as I was putting Myself in the shoes of the character. I see now that this is an error and its all due to the wonderful advice you all have been able to give Me. So those two stories are in a major re-write and hopefully I can make them more pleasing to the masses. ~smiles~ Now to address a few statements.

dr_mabeuse: "One other interesting thing: I assumed from your name that you were a woman. Isn't a Muse always female?" No, not at all, muse is defined as "To be absorbed in one's thoughts; engage in meditation" (www.dictionary.com) However, the word Muse HAS been used to refer to a female personage, but in this case, My usage implys the definition I refer to. I thank you for your time reading what I had written and your very valuable input.

the_bragis: I see now that using the specific "I..me" writing style can leave one a little lost as to the sexuality of the characters. Didnt realize that when I was pounding away at the keys, but I see that now. Now dear lady, to address the dishes thing, yes, I do dishes, I cook, I clean and do anything else to maintain my household. When I have a lady over for dinner, I do these things as I dont expect a guest in my house to do anything but enjoy themselves and my company. I guess I am a newage male. Thank you for your compliments and advice, much appreciated.

PaulX35: Thank you for your suggestions and for taking the time to not only read, but give valuable, needed feedback.

Octavian: I am laughing at your wonderful sense of humor. I am starting to get paranoid now about being a male who does dishes and am fighting the urge to go buy paper plates. Am I going to need therapy now??

Pookie_grrl: Hell pookie at this point and seeing it from others views, I dont know what the heck it is I wrote, so I am lost with you ~laughs~

Thanks again for giving me your time and advice.