Feedback, please! Too preachy?

[LadynStFreknBed]

I worked on this villanelle today. I had started it last year, and well, forgot about it. I was actually looking for my favorite villanelle, when I found this one. I hope I find my favorite soon, as it really bothers me that it's lost.

This villanelle is supposed to be motivational, but I am afraid it comes across as too preachy. Feedback and suggestions are more than welcome!




Under dust of daily drudgery,
a quiet flame flickers patiently.
Strive to make dreams a reality.

The lure of abounding revelry
cause failure to dream abundantly
under dust of daily drudgery.

Like inspired men in history,
those people who lived masterfully,
strive to make dreams a reality.

Step smartly and be your own jury.
Enjoy life, but live purposefully,
under dust of daily drudgery.

Your goal, your art, your discovery
will drive you to laboriously
strive to make dreams a reality.

Awaken and shun debauchery.
Advance and claim your prize forcefully.
Under dust of daily drudgery,
strive to make dreams a reality.

 

[TheRainMan]

too preachy?

yes.

and welcome to the PF&D boards . . . or did i say that already?

i can never remember . . .

 

[Sapphire_O]

I agree that it is too preachy.

Also, the fact that your A & your B both end in "Y" is probably hurting your attempt at a villanelle. It's already a repetative form and the constant "ee, ee, ee" is too hard on the ear/brain -- it starts to droan like a preacher in the pulpit.

But good on ya for trying a vilanelle. It almost killed me to write one for class It was the most wretched poem I ever wrote. Almost as bad as vampire poetry. LOL!

 

[Eluard]

I see absolutely nothing wrong with a poem containing injunctions, and thus being preachy — where do these ludicrous rules and restrictions come from? Donne is full of great preachy poems.

That being said I agree with Sapphire — metrically this one doesn't work. It is just too awkward. But you haven't asked for any suggestions about that, so I'll refrain.

 

[Angeline]

I think the poem's preachy quality is a byproduct of it being too abstract. The preachiness in and of itself isn't bad, but because you're not specific you're stuck with generalizations. I think if you recast the poem and tied it to a particular event (or events), you could still be motivational, but specific details would make the poem more concrete. Then you'd be more likely to draw on metaphor and imagery and the other devices that make a poem "poetic" rather than "informational."

 

[LadynStFreknBed]

Thank You!

Thank you for your feedback. I'm gonna set this one aside for now. Something will click for me, then I'll dig it out again and rewrite it.

 

[Senna Jawa]

LadynStFreknBed, 99% of your text is preaching. Preaching and poetry are two, disjoint activities. Preaching is among the worst sins against poetry. Otherwise there is nothing wrong about preaching

Also, your rhymes are not interesting. You are rhyming nouns with nouns, and adverbs with adverbs. As a rule, such grammatical rhymes are boring, even annoying. Try to put some grammatical and conceptual (semantical) distance between the rhymed words.

Regards,