Feedback please on "Wonderful Weekend"

[Kerri98]

Would enjoy reading some feedback on "Wonderful Weekend". It really would help to motivate me to write more or at least improve future story areas that appear weak. Thanks Kerri98

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=39959

 

[MaxSebastian]

Okay... so this is just my opinion, so ignore me at will. Firstly, it's your choice, but I personally would avoid writing in the second person - it reads like a Choose Your Own Adventure book, but without all those intriguing 'turn to page 34' options at the bottom of each rigorously characterised page.

Secondly, be careful to keep your tenses consistent. You seem to flip between the present tense and the past tense from sentence to sentence - this disrupts the flow and confuses the reader. Is it happening now, this fantasy, or has it already happened? I think even Sam Beckett and a cigar-waving holographic Al would be confused with the timelines.

Thirdly, I hate with a passion when people use the word 'thru' in prose instead of 'through'. This is personal taste, you understand, and may not disturb other readers, but ick!

Fourthly. It doesn't seem to be terribly emotive. I know that it's just a fantasy and so on, and that not everyone has to get all Dr Zhivago all over the place whenever their nipping off for a dirty weekend, but there doesn't seem to be much feeling here. The prose seems to be little more than a list of what happens: she pulls her bra down, he gets hard, then she pulls down her panties, then he hears she wet, then... and so on. It's hard to get feelings into prose sometimes, but just think about it. How do they feel? As you've written it, they whip it all out and shove it all in, but there's no drumming heartbeats or fire racing through the veins, and that makes it all feel a little less than exciting. Perhaps you could use a few similes or metaphors to pour some depth into things.

Fiftly, the lack of dialogue makes it all sound very quiet and a little lonely, and is one good way for a writer to shoot themselves in the foot when it comes to characterisation. It doesn't take a genius to write good dialogue, and it's such a simple way to let us find out a bit about what the character is like as a person. Here you've got a couple of lines here and there, but for the most part these people seem to communicate via the art of telemetry. And how does he know she fancies a quite slip up the tradesman's? Because he has a vague memory that she once said she'd never done it before. Nice way to dispense with a need for dialogue, but feels like it's stretching it a bit!

Lastly, the very final sentence:

> She walked you to the door, pinched you on the ass and said, CUM back anytime I am here for the weekend.

Ouch! I think the only way to deal with such a heinous pun is to put it in some actual dialogue for her to say and then perhaps mention that she has an impish or mischievous grin as she's saying it. Rather than putting an emoticon into a prose story.

All that aside, though, your spelling and grammar is on the good side and it does have pretty good plot ideas and well-visualised sex scenes despite the lack of real juice to the prose. The pace is good, too, but it could do with a bit more description here and there.

Good luck for your next piece!


Max.