Feedback please on Mistress/sub stories

[the_bragis]

I have submitted two mistress/sub male stories in the last couple of months, a month apart. I haven't received any feedback on either...zilcho!! The second more or less follows on from the first.

I usually get something back...even if it's only a 'fuck your story sucks' .

Now the really weird thing is...the second one has more than twice as many hits as the first in half the time. Why??

I would really appreciate feedback and comments on these. Like most people I'm trying to be best I can, but I can always use a little help.

Both stories as the names suggest are bdsm, so if that's not your thing, it would be best to skip them I think. Oh, the second has a lesbian element as well so if that also offends you...definitely skip it.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=43659

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47291

I look forward to you feedback.

Alex (fem)

 

[NoJo]

Your stories

Well, Alex, I LOVE femdom stuff, so consider me a sympathetic reader.
I did get turned on by this, even though it wasn’t 100% my kind of thing.

Somehow, and don’t take this wrong, I felt there was a little too much action.
I guess what I mean is that, for me, there’s almost too much stuff going on, as opposed to descriptions and observations, so I didn’t get in the mood quite as much as I could have.

I also think that you could have got across to the reader the effect the constant repetition of the word ‘slut’ was having on the poor sub. He ego was being slowly and relentlessly SQUASHED TO A PULP by this! Some of us are suckers for this type of verbal sadism. But it didn’t quite come through in the story, and readers who are not into this kind of thing may not have understood it.

Are you really two people? Do you both cooperate on stories? It didn’t look like there were two writing styles happening. I think it would be great if one of you wrote the male part, and the other person the female part!

As I said, I did get turned on, so they both got my 5 vote!

 

[NCmVoyeur]

Comments from an outsider

I was glad to see SubJoe hold forth; I didn't want to be the first to respond, as my comments are only partially a 'story review' and mostly an exploration of my continuing inability to 'get' DS stories.

My primary observation from a storytelling perspective is the lack of character development (or, perhaps more properly, lack of a cogent set-up).

The guy is presented at first blush as a 'regular' guy off the street--he wanders in apparently by accident, or at least without specific purpose to find that sort of place. He's puzzled a bit, sensing something offbeat. He sits down and beholds a woman who seems like an East German swimming experiment gone amiss. What little mental reaction is given ('he was unsure what to make of her') is overtaken immediately by his near instantaneous erection.

"What can I do for you slut boy?" Not even that comment seems to register with him. I'd have expected from this 'regular' guy a retort like 'I'm not sure, but do you have any decent single malt back there?' He goes into a bar, but strangely never is offered nor even asks for a drink.

My puzzlement is how this 'regular' guy morphs almost instantaneously and inexplicably into this passive 'sheep for the slaughter' mindset.

My long-standing complaint about D/S stories is that any sense of the character's 'other' nature is subsumed almost completely to the 'role' of being a dom or sub. The characters are plastic and one-dimensional; I feel like I could interchange the 'subs' from two stories and neither story would miss a beat. They are fungible commodities--looking, walking, and acting alike.

The male character here seems pre-programmed to play the 'role.' I get no sense of who he is, why he's there, or what his life is like. He just shows up and 'turns sub' as if on cue.

If he had stared back and her and responded "Hey, Toots, love the duds. Are you just going to stand there? Or do you actually serve booze around here?," and had the story played out the ensuing dialogue and shown how he gets seduced into the role--now there might have been a story that would have held my attention for a while.

Maybe D/s is just simply it's own sub-genre, and readers are content to assume that characters already enter the story ready to don the roles. But for this outsider the process of how one gets there is the interesting thing; and that was completely omitted.

 

[Guest]

Thank you both for your feedback. Particularly yours, NCmV, as you have no interested in bdsm. Certainly I would never give read or give feedback on incest or beastiality. The points you raise are good, and your comments extremely useful. I'm still not entirely sure how I'm going to change these stories yet, but I will.

Sub Joe, I agree descriptions and observations would help the reader understand the situation. I guess sometimes it's all in my head and I forget to type it down. I know I've been guilty of that in most if not all of my stories now I think about it.

Yes we are two people, but you are correct our stories are not co-written. B always reads and corrects my spelling and gramma before I submit. (What a big job that is too!!) Only he's so freaking biased he's never going to criticize me is he? A his and hers version? Yes that's an interesting idea for sure.

NCmV, now that you mention it, unfortunately character development is something else lacking in much of what I write. I'm going to review it all now.

"Hey tots, love duds..." I'm not so sure about, but it did make me smile when I read it. Certainly I agree a dialog of him being seduced into the roll would make it more plausible and interesting.

Oh and just for the record, B and I are not mistress and sub. It's just one of the many kinky little games we like to play.

Finally, thank you again, and thank you for not frying me. I was as nervous as all hell about posting this, but your advice has been solid and helpful.

Have a good day,

Alex (fem)