feedback, please...i'm new

[Ceridwenna]

'Two’

Two men,
sun and moon,
and I cry for them both.
Caught within a paradox
of my own creation,
the price of Love is pain.
My own anguish I can bear;
we are old companions.
I share my bed with it
through endless, sleepless midnights
and now it clings to me,
claiming my days as well.
All else pales before my dilemma.
I float in the briny waters of Purgatory,
wounds stinging,
each lie on my lips a blasphemy.
Eventually the undertow will catch at me,
paralyzing my limbs,
drawing me down to drown...
Oblivion would be release,
but not what I deserve;
for I divine the essence of my Future
and I do not foresee Peace.
I shall spend Eternity in torment
for the damage I have wrought.
Not one of us shall escape this triangle unscathed,
and I own the guilt for this; not they!
Desire and Need have done me in...
but I alone should pay.

 

[HomerPindar]

Welcome aboard, Ceridwenna!

For the first half dozen lines I think it's going to be about the conflict between two men, complete oposites. But, after that point I loose the two men theme and it's more personal angst. Almost two different poems at work in that regard.

HomerPindar

 

[WindChyme]

New only here

You may be new here, but your soul is as old as humanity itself.

I have never been where your poem says you are, but you have done an incredible job of telling me what it would be like to be so torn. If this is simply a poem, I am impressed by your talent. If this is going on in your life, I am just as impressed with your talent, and I deeply hope you find a solution with as little torment as possible. It may sound preachy, but I think it is only practical to completely end one love affair before beginning another.

Someone else in this forum also wrote of a terrible pain, and I quoted Churchill to her, too: "If you're going through hell, KEEP GOING!"

Good luck and keep writing. Pain is the ink in our pens.

 

[Ceridwenna]

thank you.....

Hi
Thank you both very much for your feedback.....
I agree, it's best to end one affair before embarking upon another/new relationship, and in the past that is always what I did. Thing is, tho', that sometimes LOVE sneaks up on ya when you aren't looking and conks ya on the head. I'm living proof of that!

 

[Kundalinguini]

Re: thank you.....

I agree, it's best to end one affair before embarking upon another/new relationship, and in the past that is always what I did. Thing is, tho', that sometimes LOVE sneaks up on ya when you aren't looking and conks ya on the head.

Ain't it the truth.

You describe the space in your poem so well that it's far too reminiscent of a place I found myself via the very same situation: not looking, but having love find me anyway. In the end I had to let go of the love I never would have thought myself capable of leaving, because I turned out to be completely incapable of letting go of the other. Years later, it's so obvious it was the right choice, but at the time it was debilitating.

You will have to choose, though, or you'll lose both.

Isn't the rose such a perfect metaphor for love?

 

The Two Trees by Yeats will resonate with your frame of mind if your poem is still current. He leaves unspoken the obvious fact that Spring always follows Winter. You just have to make it through the winter.

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We don't see things as they are, we see things as we are.
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