feedback please? for my little poem

[aquaglide1]

hi all

i got some very nice feedback for my first poem, so i thought i'd try another. but this time before i submit. see what suggestions people have.

thanks aqua

Sweet Lisa

Lisa called for me; I came as if by light
She was catnip, I was pussy,
No will to say but yes

My clothes I shed to show her all
To give her pleasure and receive
Her robe fell so both were now as one
My eyes danced her til faintness let me down
She prepared me for what was yet to be

I rested before her, oiled as on an alter
Her mighty sword above, no threat
Her approach was slow and tender
Naught did I have to fear, sweet Lisa
Thighs apart my fur waiting to be shorn
Gently she stroked, away fell the curly demons
Yielding to smoothness unimagined

Lisa led me to our lover’s bath
I touched myself as if for the first time
Can it be? Little pussy created anew
Sweet Lisa come kiss me; yes there.

 

[minsue]

I'm not one for most erotic poetry (and I can't write worth beans ), so I'm not the best person to comment. I will, though, if only to give you a *bump*.

I didn't have much reaction to this poem, but as I said that is likely due to my general apathy towards erotic poems. I did, however, love this:

Gently she stroked, away fell the curly demons
Yielding to smoothness unimagined

Something in the imagery, there, that I really like.

- Mindy