Feedback please! 9 Inches of Black Steel

[kama11]

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/s/9-inches-of-black-steel


I really would appreciate feedback, if it's flat out racist, I'll probably
just ignore you, but I would really like to hear from people
and how they might improve the writing.

Thanks in advance!

 

[robertreams]

you need an editor. First graph: should be a comma after pouting in the first sentence, not a period. second sentence: eighteen should be spelled out, there ohould be no "a" before girl or woman. There is a big difference between "half woman, half girl" and, "half a woman half a girl. The second example makes me want to ask "which half is the girl the top or the bottom?

The next sentence is unclear. What does her naivte have to do with her asorbing the news?

You are allowed only one sentence ending punctuation. Remember your punctuation does not create an exclamation or your question, your words do.

In the next paragraph, too many "her"s and "she"s. remember that a pronoun refers to the closest noun before it. e.g. Gerard was bitten in the leg by a dog named George. He had to go to the hospital. (no matter what the writer intended, it is George who is going to the hospital.)

There are lots more but I will leave the rest to your editor, whoever that may be. errors and weak usage such as I have mentioned get in your readers' way, slow down reading time and comprehension.

 

[kama11]

Thanks for the feedback

Thank you for the feedback. I'll look for an editor to make this one and the sequel better.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Oh, I love samurai stories.

Wait.

In truth, it wasn't bad at all. There are some errors. Most of us have them. Not to mention, that this is an erotica site and not The Atlantic Monthly. I found nothing so off-putting with your punctuation that it truly distracted from the story, which I found to be fairly good.

It's a bit trope for me, but that isn't necessarily a bad thing. There are writers on this site, more popular and beloved than I, who work exclusively in such well-explored mediums. I thought your sex was alluring, and that is a great deal of the battle with a lot of readers.

Was it my cup of tea? No, I can't say that it was. But there are many who adore such stories, and you have plenty in there to like. For a first story, it was more than adequate. Don't be discouraged. You show every sign of being able to produce quality writing. Just watch your basics and, more than anything, have fun with it. That's what most of us are here for.

In addition, I'd avoid the measurements, unless that is a part of the BBC genre that you simply can't do without. I start feeling like I'm in math class doing word problems after a bit. If Jimmy, who has an eight-inch cock of as wide as a Coke can, leaves a train station in Dallas traveling at sixty mph, and Tommy, who has an eleven inch penis that is thin and gradually tapers before exploding into a huge mushroom head, leaves a train station in New York traveling fifty mph, who gets which hole in the DP?

 

[sr71plt]

Conversely, I'd be willing to bet that more readers clicked into the story because of the 9-inch reference (along with the "black") in the title than would have clicked into it otherwise. It has 26 favorites now, which is quite fine. I'll read it sometime later. I just edited a BBC one, and that's my quota on that for a while.

 

[AMoveableBeast]

Conversely, I'd be willing to bet that more readers clicked into the story because of the 9-inch reference (along with the "black") in the title than would have clicked into it otherwise. It has 26 favorites now, which is quite fine. I'll read it sometime later. I just edited a BBC one, and that's my quota on that for a while.

You're quite right, pilot. As I said, it's sort of a trope thing. Whenever you're doing genre work, you beckon with one hand and push with the other.

 

[TheRedChamber]

You write brutal, incredibly vivid sex which is great.

That said I had a few problems with the set-up. There's quite a lot of contradictory things going on. For example there's quite a lot about Roger to begin with, which makes it seem like its going to be a step-daughter/incest type thing, but then it suddenly changes and becomes stranger gang-rape. The main point of the Roger material seems to be to set up how spoilt the daughter is, but the ending has her selfless sacrificing herself for her mum, so it seems inconstant in characters. Similarly this sacrifice might come across as stronger, if the daughter was more viginial (and not waving a didlo in front of her mothers nose earlier) It seems to me that if you cut out the part with Roger, and instead started off by describing the abduction in more detail, that might serve the story better.