Feedback, Patchwork Knight

Innuendos

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Feb 9, 2012
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Howdy folks,

Recently put out a new story titled 'Patchwork Knight', a short story that is in some respects a sort of contemporary fantasy. It's gotten some wildly different reactions, positive and negative, and I'm looking to make sense of the ratings that it's gotten, as well as some of the feedback.

http://www.literotica.com/s/patchwork-knight

My main concern is coherence, as it was noted that the structure is somewhat confusing. The story switches back and forth at a consistent pace between the protagonists past and present, shedding light on his current situation, and setting the stage for a conflict later in the story.

If anyone could give it a look-see, tell me what works for it and what doesn't, it would be greatly appreciated. Stuff like the clarity of what's going on, and whether it works as a standalone story. It's meant to feature characters from a previously written and longer work titled "Sweet Dreams Are Made of This", and I'm not sure if I made it too dependent on that story or of it works by itself.
 
Here ya go!

Alright then, let’s lock ‘n load. Just to preface this, let me say that I’m not any kind of authority on the subject of literature. I just like readin’ ma stories. I’ve also written a few things here on Lit too so I know what it’s like to be in the author’s chair.

With that said, let’s put my critiquing glasses on and talk about this tale.

First of all, I’m going to say that you’ve obviously got a great imagination. The story you’ve told here clearly comes from the heart. It’s got some cool moments and some pretty good characters in a classic set up.

But you’re not here looking for mindless praise! So I’ll just dive into what I think you could improve on.

The first thing I noticed is that you often make small mistakes in your wording. I know this because it’s something I do a lot too. What makes perfect sense when you’re writing it down in your head can sometimes be quite jarring when the words are being read by someone else. A good way to fix this would be to find a decent editor. If that’s too much hassle then a good way to self-edit is to go back and read what you’ve written aloud. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve gone back over my stuff and nearly tied my tongue in a knot over my own written words. It also gives you a better idea of what ‘feels’ right. Some things can be perfectly grammatically correct and flawlessly spelled but absolutely mind boggling to get your brain around if you don’t know what’s going on.

Next up is the switching in time periods that your story goes through. It’s not exactly jarring or confusing but I also don’t really think it’s all that necessary either. The progression of time is fine but you skip here and there. The first jump into the future just kinda gives away the ending. It’d be better to dangle the chance of him not getting the girl in front of the reader to make the eventual union matter more in the course of the story.

Also as a short aside the quote ‘Hollywood romances are made of that shit’ kind of threw me too. It just stood in stark contrast with the rest of your story which, forgive me for saying, reads a lot like a Hollywood romance. That’s not a complaint. There’s nothing wrong with a happy ending and the guy saving the girl. It’s just that “people in glass houses…” and all that.

Getting more into your characters, your opening paragraphs suffer from a problem of telling and not showing. You make Amelia out to be someone who farts butterflies and sings in a way that attracts cute forest critters. “She was the soul of delight and laughter” Don’t tell me that, show her having a good sense of humour. “…she always had a kind word for everyone.” Again, give me an example of her being kind to someone. You actually do this in the next paragraph where she asks him to dance. It’s just that I feel this whole section would have been better as a memory of something that she did in high school. Set the scene, bring in the character and show how she expresses all the traits you mention.

“Amelia Collins was the flame, but there were no moths about her, only butterflies - and butterflies in every sense of the word.”

I don’t know what that means. Is it like butterflies in the sense of she’s followed around by insects and people feeling slightly tipsy in the stomach region? Is she followed by many varieties of butterflies? I just think that’s a really bizarre metaphor.

“Sliding into her, the warmth of her pussy engulfing his dick, the warmth of her mouth engulfing his lips, the warmth of her love engulfing his heart, the warmth of her engulfing

his all of him”

That just reads really weird. I see what you were going for and it’s a worthy goal. I just thought it was incredibly poorly punctuated. It looks more like you’ve accidentally paragraph spaced where you shouldn’t have.

“He slid into her. The warmth of her slippery sheath engulfed his length as the heat of her lips seared their ravenous kiss together in a blissfully intoxicating harmony. Her love branded its white hot mark upon his heart.

She claimed him for her own.”

That’s how I’d do it.

All of these things aren’t huge problems by themselves. I think you’ve clearly got the ability there. You just need to take a little more time with it. Flesh out your scenes. Think about it a little more. Some of this reads almost as if you’ve got your eyes closed and are just blurting out what you’re thinking on the first pass. The ideas are fresh and raw and need to be chiselled and honed with a bit more thought.

On a more personal note, I’d also either try to stretch the knight metaphor throughout the whole story or get rid of it entirely. It doesn’t have to be oppressively jammed in there but a hint at it here and there throughout the earlier passages would make the ending have more punch. That’s just a very minor thing that is more of a preference than a complaint.

Anyway, like I said at the start. I’m no expert and these were just my thoughts on reading your story. Hope you keep it up and continue to improve as we all strive to do! I also hope this was helpful for ya.
 
Lien_Geller:

That is awesome feedback, and you're right, while a little praise or high-fiving is good for the ego, I'm not looking for praise. Constructive criticism like this is even better, because as a total amateur in writing, it's all about improving my skills here.

1. Editors - It might be that I don't know the ins and outs of finding a decent editor on LE, but so far I've been put off the process. When I was writing my first story, the first editor I found left me hanging, the second never followed up. Kind of put me off as too much of a hassle, and I've been winging it on my own limited skills and an equally limited amount of feedback since then.

I know that's to my detriment, because even after proof-reading and read-aloud, I still miss things, perhaps because my head is filling in spaces in my writing.

Any recommendations on finding a quality editor?

2. Leaving the question of Greg and Amy getting together up in the air wasn't somewhere I really wanted to go with this story - when they are first introduced as a couple in my other story (Sweet Dreams), they are already at the point in their friendship where a nudge from the female protagonist in that story moves them into a full-blown relationship. The question answered wasn't meant to be "would they or wouldn't they", but "what is their relationship like, how did they get from here to there and where are they going next?" That's where the whole "knight and his lady" metaphor stemmed from.

Does the pov-switch still work in that context, you think?

3. Hollywood romances - The Greg/Halvers/Andrea dynamic was a failed relationship, one that is explored in the main story, and was meant to be a prop for all three characters to move on into something better. Much of my writing of Greg's thoughts is indirect, with that Hollywood romances comment intended to showcase his former unrealistic and idealized expectation of what romance really is.

Sounds like it might have been more effective not to add that blurt, and explored his expectations a bit further, more of the showing, less telling?

4. That brings us to Amy - this is written in Greg's perspective, you've hit the nail on the head... he sees her as the ideal woman, based on unrealistically high standards stemming from his nostalgia, spitting rainbows and pooping butterflies. That's not to say she wasn't that nice, or an amazingly vibrant young woman before life sucker-punched her. Some people, male and female, based on my own RL experience, really are wonderful growing up, a positive influence that isn't overshadowed by the all too prevalent numbers of dickheads around them. It might be because they've had sheltered lives, or are naive, and have enough charisma for that to not come back and bite them in the ass... but the real world tends to turn that attitude on its head unless someone's really lucky.

I didn't really want to get into the ways those positive traits had been beaten out of her, preferring to allude to the obvious rather than delve too deeply into depressing, tear-inducing details.

The butterflies turn of phrase seems more awkward than I intended it to be - it was meant to reflect Greg's "butterflies in the stomach", his perception of her positive influence on others, and general rainbows & unicorns aura of happiness her perceives of her as a young person.

5. As for awkward turns of phrase... I use odd little conventions that may or may not be good writing, but seem like a good idea at the time. Subconscious fantasy sequences, life-view exposition as introduction sequences, piecemeal thoughts, the incoherence of being hit with sexual, emotional, and personal bonding in that "his all of him".

It was intentional. Too overblown, you think?

6. Sex - My sex scenes tend to suffer in favor of my stories, and I suppose if I want to get better at them, I should buckle down and put a lot more effort into them.

7. The Knight Metaphor - When I wrote this, I was worried that stretching the knight and lady metaphor too much further would come across as ham-handed and awkward, bludgeoning the reader over the head. The point of the story is to place the relationship between Amy & Greg in that light, but I'm not sure where to draw the line.

8. Blurting, telling versus showing.

Too much exposition, not enough narrative is what you're getting at here?

9. Expertise...

... is not required from feedback. :)

The insight you've offered here so far is greatly appreciated, and will be taken in the vein it was given.
 
Hey again! Just going to clarify some things for you here. Ooooh! And you’ve given me a sweet segmented way to do it! Awesome sauce.

1 – Editors – I know that finding an editor worth their salt can be a pain. I tried it with a few offers I got in feedback and it just turned out to be people who wanted to read my stories before they were released. Flattering but not exactly useful. Plus, I feel like an ass in asking for a resume of past edited stuff on a free stories website. So I feel yer pain there.

I’ll just give a brief example and then shut the hell up about it.

“Does everyone remember their first crush with such clarity? Forgetting his is impossible, and if he were honest with himself, he would acknowledge that she is the standard by which every other woman that he has admired or dated is judged, and has found them lacking. He knew that he was not the only one who fell in love with her in those glory days of high school.”

This is your opening paragraph. It’s not garishly wrong but to me it just seems a bit difficult to sink into. Here’s how I’d do it.

“Everyone remembers their first high school crush. Greg Bartels certainly could never forget his and in all the years since, he had never wanted to. She was the ideal. She was the standard by which every other woman had been measured and come up short. She was the love of his life. Then again, she’d had that affect on people back then.”

First, notice the use of full stops. Let the reader breathe and take their time with what you’re saying. Your first paragraph has a three line long continuous sentence. That’s not technically wrong but it’s definitely approaching collapsed lung territory. Also, I’d try to get the protagonists name in there early. Just so we know who the guy is.

Again, all this is just how I’d do it. It’s not right or wrong, just my take on it. Hope it helps. If it comes right down to it, everyone improves with more experience anyway so just keep at it!

2 – Time Shifts - You asked in your first post ‘does this stand as its own story’. If you have to refer me back to your earlier work to explain why you’re doing things then you have the answer to your question. Also, even in light of this (and I don’t mean to sound harsh here) but the shifts seem like speed bumps to me. They drastically change the tone of the narrative and I can’t see the point in them. If it helps, I already wanted to see where their relationship was going next. You did that without the time shifts. So, for me, they just slow down the story.


3 – Hollywood romances – Nothing more to say here really, I see your point and you’ve obviously understood mine. :)

4 – Amy – I’m not saying I need to see paragraphs of material about how the poor girl gets beaten. (Ick) I’m saying that your opening scene is more of a description of her personality than an example of it. I’d have opened with a scene just straight from high school in an instance where she made an impression on the protagonist. Maybe she sat with him at a school dance and shared a joke when he looked depressed. She could have taken the time to talk to him in the halls or something. I just need to be re-introduced to the character properly. Write a scene from high school where she’s funny and make her actually make me, the reader, laugh. Don’t just tell me that she makes people laugh.

You don’t have to go into every detail thereafter but a scene like this builds the readers relationship with a character you evidently want them to like. That’s what I mean by show, don’t tell. Obviously this story takes place over a long time so you’re going to have to skim over some stuff but you can’t just say ‘Here’s this character, you like her because she’s nice’ You need to give me a scene that resonates and displays how nice she is. Like I said, you started into this by giving an example of her asking him to dance. That just needed a little building on. Then you could have gotten back to the story you were telling. I hope that clears up what I was getting at.

5 – Awkward writing – Don’t talk to me about awkward writing. I am the lord and master of awkward writing. Lesser awkward writers bow before me. When I proof read my work, sometimes my brain feels like its going to implode under the weight of all the what-the-fuckery. I think you just need to have a care that you’re writing for people that aren’t you. Maybe put a piece of work away for a week after it’s done before you publish it then go back over it again. Check your punctuation. I’m not a grammar or spelling nazi but your style occasionally flubs even my manic mind. It’s fine and healthy when you’re just writing for yourself but if you want others to like your stuff then they need to be able to see the flow of the words and your meaning behind them. Otherwise it’s just a bit like looking in a broken mirror. Sure, you know it’s a person you’re looking at but it’s difficult to see what they really look like.

6 – Sex – Don’t worry about sacrificing sex for story. Story is good. It lets you build character and make the sex mean more. Just make sure that the longer you wait, the bigger the payoff.

7 – Knights and Dragons – I actually think you’ve under-done the metaphor to the point where when it’s put in at the very end it’s almost disillusioning. Like I said, it should be more subtly hinted at or done away with altogether. The story would work without it. It just seems like you’ve based the story around that scene but you haven’t really known how to put the theme into the rest of the story.

8 – Definitely too much exposition and not enough things happening. It’s fine to be descriptive but if you want readers to really get into your characters and your story then show, don’t tell. I’m starting to sound like a broken record here.

Well that’s pretty much it! Hope this was a bit more helpful to you and a bit clearer. Again, my way might not be the right way for you. You’ve gotta find that rhythm for yourself. I just hope it gives you some brain candy to eat up!
 
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