Feedback or insults welcome

[fallen lover]

Samuels Cure

I'm not sure where I was cumming from with this one, maybe you know? Maybe you know where it should go?

 

[the_bragis]

Hello fallen lover,

Call me a sick little bunny but I really enjoyed this quirky little story of yours. What a perverted but intriguing and lovable character Samuel is!

I've only a read a handful of interracial stories, and they're usually just erotic stories that happen to mention one character being black and the other being white. Boring! This one is different.

I really enjoy stories where the information is fed though slowly. I was a little confused at first, and usually that would mean back clicking, but here it really hooked me and I had to keep reading more. Like when you first mentioned the police, I though"police? What police? Then a little later down it was, "Oh those police. That's how it all began," and then it nravel from there.

I felt Samel had an almost childlike quality about him, but with a cunning edge that certainly bordered on dangerous. I especially enjoyed the scenes with him visiting the luscious Doctor Diane Evans. I loved that control she had over him and that frustration he felt.

On the nit picky side:

A couple of your paragraphs were very long. It makes it easier to read, especially of a screen, if they’re broken down into smaller ones.

New dialog must always have a new line. About four or five paragraphs in you have his and her dialog in one paragraph.

Don't use brackets. People here at Lit, who know a whole lot more about these things than me say, "don't use them because they break the feeling of suspended belief."

I noticed to you are fond of using "..." Periods like this should only be used to indicate words missing.

A number of sentences are missing full stops, which quite frankly I don't give a monkey's nuts about, but since it will really bug some more pedantic readers it's best to double check for them.

To be continued?

Yes please!

I wish you well with your future writing.

Have a great day,

Alex (fem).

 

[cookiejar]

Your story had me hooked from the start. Like Alex I felt the same strange pull to Sam and his fantasies. The candy bar incident highlighted his obssessive-compulsive disorder and was kind of spooky. I once worked in a movie theater and in slow moments found myself counting the candy bars!

I hope you continue with Sam and even though there is a dangerous edge to him, try to keep him the weird almost lovable character he is. I will be watching for more.

 

[fallen lover]

Thanks alot you folks, I really appreciate getting feedback on this (even the technical stuff, like the not using brackets advice... doh!).

I certainly feel encouraged by what you've said so far, and will try to make the next chapter good by you too.

 

[requerdos]

his compulsion is explained very well.

sam doesn't really need to be cured, does he? i mean, let's hear some more about him.

requerdos

 

[Rainbow Skin]

That's quite compelling. It could have come out disgusting, but it's a very convincing inner picture of a real mental disorder. And, though you need to fix some of the minor points, I found the long paragraphs worked: the slightly mad, fixated need to catalogue and explain everything.

The order you reveal things is good. The knife, the power, the danger, the threat... then what it turns into. That convincingly traces his own odd discoveries.

The ending doesn't work if it's to end there. Yet I'm not sure what to suggest as a continuation.

 

[fallen lover]

Thanks for the feedback req and RS, I do know what's supposed to happen next, now I just have to get round to writing it up. And requardos, no I guess Sam doesn't have to be cured as such... and I'm really glad you picked up on the power-play with the Doc, and am delighted cookie and the_bragis thought that Sam is almost lovable slighty childish and borderline dangerous, an interesting character then.

Author winge: I got a Word copy of the story of course, so only recenlty read the story online, and to my shock and horror found parts of it got screwed up! When the Doctor makes her notes, those bits were all in italics, but online the first note is in massive bold font, some of her other notes don't have any formating at all, and some are as they were intended...

So the overall effect of that isn't as intended, and I found it really irritating-- you know how it is, they spoilt my baby, AAAGH! I guess next time I'll just copy paste, and not risk that happening again. I just had to mention it on here because-- well just because.

 

[fallen lover]

In case anybodies been wondering where part two went, I simply ceased to be frustrated enough to write, because I met somebody. She uses up all my juice before I have a chance to type it out. Apologies and salutations.

 

[A7inchPhildo]

I found your story to be a nice twist.
The monkey comment IMO was not needed to make the story.

Some areas could have used a little bit more imaginative discription. Most white girls look like a white girl. Yes, but then consider so do most black women look like a woman too.

Next, I guess I never did figure out why he wanted a white woman?

It did take a bit of context placeing to understand the story. Over all I enjoyed it by the closure and yes left wondering what happened?

That is my biggest complaint of section stories (part 1, part2, part3...)I may never get to read the end for many different reasons and while I am cought up in the moment I want to know now not next week/month/year, (never in most cases on lit) when I have to read part one over.