Feedback on Sci Fi Non-Con story

[Valentina93]

Hello, I would appreciate any and all comments on this new story of mine:

http://www.literotica.com/s/slave-assets-ch-01

I'm new to writing, so please don't be too harsh. It's about a future where humanity left Earth and colonized the Milky Way. There's a powerful company which has interests in the interplanetary slave trade, and the story will be centered around it. It's going to be composed of many chapters, and not everything will have a sexual focus.

Thanks in advance.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Hello, I would appreciate any and all comments on this new story of mine:

http://www.literotica.com/s/slave-assets-ch-01

I'm new to writing, so please don't be too harsh. It's about a future where humanity left Earth and colonized the Milky Way. There's a powerful company which has interests in the interplanetary slave trade, and the story will be centered around it. It's going to be composed of many chapters, and not everything will have a sexual focus.

Thanks in advance.

Let me start by saying that I read and write in the NonCon/Reluctance category, but I don't normally read stories that have a Sci Fi or Fantasy theme. There's nothing wrong with that type of story, I just prefer my NonCon to be more reality based. That may seem like somewhat of a paradox, since nonconsent essentially means rape, but the dynamics of reluctance/coercion/persuasion are an entirely different discussion not relevant to your story. All I'm trying to say is that your story is not one that I would normally read.

But I did read it, and I do have a few comments. First, I don't know where you are from or what is your native language, but your presentation of quoted material was in a nonstandard format. By that I mean the speaking parts should be enclosed in quotation marks, rather than set off by hyphens. I'm surprised it was approved in that form.

Second, your story is set in a distant future somewhere in another part of the galaxy, but the feeling I got at the beginning was more of a middle earth, orcish environment. This was due to the way you presented Golbath. His vocabulary and gruff behavior did not suggest to me that he was the richest man in the galaxy, but more of a brutish orc whose power was derived entirely from his physical strength. Also, the name "Golbath" just has a harsh sound that reinforces that image, in my mind.

Third, not much happens here except that we meet two characters and they fuck. I don't know either of them and I'm not yet invested in them, but I'm presented with a sex scene at the very beginning. It does say something about their relationship, but I already knew that from their descriptions as master and slave. The most interesting thing about their coupling was that he ejaculated and left her hanging, and that he was totally indifferent to her needs. That told me something about their personalities, but it was the only thing I learned about either of them.

Your post described an ambitious project, but this chapter barely scratched the surface. You have an entire world to build, and that will take more than inventing names like "Rodgerian tropic" and "hagsac wood." Tell me what those things are. Make you world come to life.

This has potential, but it needs to be fleshed out more. Keep writing, and good luck.

 

[Sean Renaud]

Okay let me start with a brief apology. I made the mistake of reading the earlier critique of your work before reading the story and I might have had some different problems if I'd done the proper thing. So I'm sorry.

That said this does scream orc or warlord way more than rich businessman. I noticed the Islamic names. Is this a world where Islam or at least the Middle East eventually became the dominate influence on human culture? Even a lot of his behavior seems kinda pointless, like poking her with the fork, why is she a slave?





Technical stuff: Note I'm not a grammar nazi if I'm dinging you for this stuff it's because it really hurts.

While I'm not amazed that the hyphens made it past the mods that isn't standard and lead to some very interesting parts where I couldn't quite follow what was going on, especially since you often forgot to close them.

Personally I prefer to write out my numbers but I don't think there is a solid rule between using numerals and writing them out. That said once you chose one you have to stick with it. You can't say 12 inches and then four minutes. It's either 12 inches and 4 minutes or twelve inches and four minutes. You can't mix and match.

 

[Valentina93]

...
This has potential, but it needs to be fleshed out more. Keep writing, and good luck.

First of all, thank you for reading it. I apologize for not replying earlier.

Your comments are certainly very helpful, and I had originally considered a longer chapter where more things are explained, but I was afraid too much information on this fictional setting could be offputting. Should I dedicate more paragraphs to developing the setting?

As for Golbath, yes, he may appear brutish, but he only acts that way with slaves. I wanted him to appear rude like that. Should I reconsider? I'll work on the first chapter and try to show more about the characters.

In my native language (Spanish), dialogue is hyphenated. I will of course use quotation marks in the future.

Again, thank you for commenting.

 

[Valentina93]

Okay let me start with a brief apology. I made the mistake of reading the earlier critique of your work before reading the story and I might have had some different problems if I'd done the proper thing. So I'm sorry.

That said this does scream orc or warlord way more than rich businessman. I noticed the Islamic names. Is this a world where Islam or at least the Middle East eventually became the dominate influence on human culture? Even a lot of his behavior seems kinda pointless, like poking her with the fork, why is she a slave?





Technical stuff: Note I'm not a grammar nazi if I'm dinging you for this stuff it's because it really hurts.

While I'm not amazed that the hyphens made it past the mods that isn't standard and lead to some very interesting parts where I couldn't quite follow what was going on, especially since you often forgot to close them.

Personally I prefer to write out my numbers but I don't think there is a solid rule between using numerals and writing them out. That said once you chose one you have to stick with it. You can't say 12 inches and then four minutes. It's either 12 inches and 4 minutes or twelve inches and four minutes. You can't mix and match.

Thank you for reading the chapter and taking the time to comment.

Neither Islam nor the Middle East dominate in this setting, but cultural amalgamation has resulted in an emphasis on humanity as a whole, with ethnicities becoming less and less important. In this future, names are not restricted to an ethnicity in particular, so you get guys like "Qiang Wolf", "Kobayashi Simmons" and "Keiko Van der Meer". I aim for unusual, wierd, mixed origin names.

As for the Sultan, his particular planet was mostly settled by Africans and Middle Easteners, so his name shouldn't be taken as a litmus test for the rest of humanity.

In my natuve language, Spanish, we use hyphens at the beginning of each quote, and we don't close them. I apologize for this and will use quotation marks in the future.

 

[ambiguityperson]

Your comments are certainly very helpful, and I had originally considered a longer chapter where more things are explained, but I was afraid too much information on this fictional setting could be offputting. Should I dedicate more paragraphs to developing the setting?

By choosing the Sci-Fi & Fantasy category, you're targeting an audience that is used to (and expects) a bit of exposition dedicated to establishing the setting. If you had set this in a grimy dungeon and placed it in the NonConsent/Reluctance category, then you could get away with skimping on the description of the setting, but not in Sci-Fi & Fantasy. It sounds like you have some definite ideas of what your world contains, so it's up to you to find interesting ways to open that up for your readers.

Writing is so much like making love. You can get in, do what needs to be done, and achieve a result, but it's so much more enjoyable when you take time on the little details that excite you, little things that seem meaningless to the thrust of the story, but serve to enhance the mood and make the setting and the characters feel more real.

You've got the bones of a good story here, it's just a little skinny. Put some flesh on it. I want to know what exactly makes Magda switch from "dreading all of it" to wishing it would have lasted longer. She is obviously not new to Valery's service, as she knows what to do and how, so why would she dread his attention, but then miss it when it was over? And what does Magda want? Freedom? Her Master's approval? A new Master? She has been given very little in the way of motivation, other than avoiding making her Master angry. I think you probably already know Magda better than you've let on with this chapter. Let us in on what makes her tick, and we'll like her better.

Keep writing!

 

[Valentina93]

By choosing the Sci-Fi & Fantasy category, you're targeting an audience that is used to (and expects) a bit of exposition dedicated to establishing the setting. If you had set this in a grimy dungeon and placed it in the NonConsent/Reluctance category, then you could get away with skimping on the description of the setting, but not in Sci-Fi & Fantasy. It sounds like you have some definite ideas of what your world contains, so it's up to you to find interesting ways to open that up for your readers.

Writing is so much like making love. You can get in, do what needs to be done, and achieve a result, but it's so much more enjoyable when you take time on the little details that excite you, little things that seem meaningless to the thrust of the story, but serve to enhance the mood and make the setting and the characters feel more real.

You've got the bones of a good story here, it's just a little skinny. Put some flesh on it. I want to know what exactly makes Magda switch from "dreading all of it" to wishing it would have lasted longer. She is obviously not new to Valery's service, as she knows what to do and how, so why would she dread his attention, but then miss it when it was over? And what does Magda want? Freedom? Her Master's approval? A new Master? She has been given very little in the way of motivation, other than avoiding making her Master angry. I think you probably already know Magda better than you've let on with this chapter. Let us in on what makes her tick, and we'll like her better.

Keep writing!

All good advice, and I appreciate your comments.

I now realize Magda is very shallow in the context of this chapter. I'll work on her. Is it possible/acceptable to edit the original chapter once it has been published?

 

[ambiguityperson]

Is it possible/acceptable to edit the original chapter once it has been published?

I'm not sure, I've never tried. But I don't think it's completely necessary, if you were planning on expanding on this work, you can use your subsequent chapters to flesh out the details.