Feedback on: Our First Group Encounter

[StrG81]

I just submitted a story here for the first time and I figured I'd post it here and get a little feed back. Be as brutally honest as you can please.


My wife, Amy, and I have always been open with our sexual fantasies even when we were dating. Since before I met her she was into dancing sensually with people. Whether her friend, Ashley, or a random guy she was always willing to shake her beautiful ass.

My wife isn't the smallest woman in the world but she has an ass that any ass man would drool over. She has told me on numerous occasions that she thought about fucking a black man. Often while in bed she would call me James and pretend I was a black man. On those nights she would cum louder and more often than she usually did during our usual sex. I never worry though because I know she still loves me.

One night we decided to go to a club so she could dance. As she enjoyed herself on the dance floor I watched from a table (I don't dance myself) as she danced with the best looking black men there. As she ground her ass on their crotches I felt a hard on forming in my pants. I knew she wanted on of them and was just waiting for her signal as to which one. After an hour and a half or so she looked in my direction and tugged her ear. She'd picked who she wanted. Finishing my second beer I returned the sign and got up and headed for the door.

After a few minutes my wife walked up with a handsome black man and introduced us. It turns out his name was Mark. She then laid out the plan. She wanted him to come with us to a hotel room and join us in a threesome. He readily agreed and we climbed into our car and I drove to the closest hotel to the bar. During the drive I moved the mirror to see what they were doing in the back seat and* I saw him kissing her neck as she rubbed his cock through this pants. As I watched my wife unbuttoned his pants and pulled out a massive seven inch cock and started stroking him. He reached his hands under her miniskirt and discovered (maybe for the first time) that she wasn't wearing any panties. He mumbled against her neck, "I love soaked white pussy!"

After a few minutes we arrived at the hotel. I ran inside to check out a room and left the two of them sitting in the car. The lady behind the counter eyed the bulge in my pants with a slight smile as I checked out the room and got the key. She asked if I was putting it to good use tonight. When I explained the situation I asked if she wanted to join in with us (my wife's first sexual encounters were with a woman and she always talks about how she loves pussy). She agreed since her shift was ending in a few minutes and she agreed to come right over. I hurried back out to the car and climbed in. I could see my wife already giving Mark a blow job on the back seat and he had her hair held tightly in his hands as he kept her going at the right speed. I drove around to the room and parked the car. As I got out to open the door they were getting decent enough to leave the car and go in.
Once the door was closed my wife started ripping the clothes off of Mark as I set up the camera. Amy and Mark threw themselves on the bed and kept each other occupied as I finished up with the camera. Once I had it set up, Amy continued sucking his cock for the camera. After a few moments of her sucking his cock the door opens and Angela, the lady behind the counter, walked in.

She immediately stripped off her clothes and got behind Amy. She buried her face in Amy's pussy and Amy jumped so high her mouth came off Mark's cock. Amy had been so wrapped up in Mark's cock she hadn't even heard Angela come into the room. After looking back to see who was licking her pussy she went right back to the huge black cock in front of her. After adjusting the camera to get all four people in frame I stripped off my own clothes and joined the group on the bed. I got behind Angela and began licking her pussy slowly as she continued working on my wife. She was surprisingly wet for having just joined the party. As I continued licking her pussy I heard Mark start groaning and saying he was going to cum. My wife likes to suck down some cum as much as the next woman, but she didn't want to risk not having that massive cock in her pussy this night.
\
She immediately released his cock and turned to Angela. She pulled her up and kissed her tasting her own juices on Angela's lips. I continued licking Angela's pussy as my wife reached down to finger her soaked clit. I move away from Angela as my wife climbs onto Mike's still hard cock. I move around and I put my dick in Amy's face as Angela begins sucking Amy's tits.* As Amy slowly lowers herself down on Mike's cock she begins sucking my cock down her throat and rubbing my balls. Amy begins riding his cock faster as she builds to an orgasm. Amy screams as she cums all over Mark's cock. She climbs off of him and Angela takes her place. Angela leans down over Mark and I climb behind her and shove my cock in her ass. Amy gets behind us and begins sucking on Mark's balls. As Mark and I fuck Angela she screams that she wants to be filled up in both holes. After a few more minutes she gets her wish as we both cum in her at the same time. We both pull out of her and I lay back on the bed. Angela gets above me with her pussy in my face and Amy climbs on my cock. She then leans forward and joins me in licking Angela's pussy clean.

As she's doing that Mark slowly shoves his cock into Amy's asshole. He begins thrusting into her as she rides my cock and moans into Angela's pussy. I reach up and begin rubbing Angela's tits as I suck on her clit. I can feel a mixture of her pussy juices, Mark's cum, and Amy's saliva dripping down my chin and onto my neck and chest. As Angela is about to cum Mark stiffens and shoots what's left of his cum into Amy's ass and she screams that she's cumming. As she's coming down from her orgasm I shoot my load into her pussy sending her over once again.

We all collapse on the bed for a few minutes then Angela gets up to go shower and Mark follows her into the bathroom. Amy and I lay there listening to the two of them fucking in the shower for a few moments. Amy then gets up and begins sucking on my cock again until I'm rock hard. She then lays down and I climb between her legs and begin slowly fucking her with her legs over my shoulders. I gently squeeze her tits as she slowly builds to another orgasm. As we're finishing up again Mark and Angela come out of the bathroom looking no tidier for their time spent in the shower. They thank us for a great time and get dressed. They gave us their numbers and left together. We spent the rest of the night watching the video of our time and fucking some more.

That was six months ago. We continue to watch the video to this day. We even invited Mark and Angela over to watch it with us. They didn't come together but when they each came over we had more fucking going around our house. Maybe we'll all get together again some time soon.

 

[Darkniciad]

Since before I met her she was into dancing sensually with people.

This threw me. Heaven help me if I can remember the grammar lesson, but I know that there's something off about it. It feels as though it should be part of the previous sentence, because it starts with "since".

usually did during our usual sex.

This might be workable, as a part of your narrative voice, but you'll want to be careful about putting the same word twice so close together as a general guideline.

There are a lot of places where I would have used commas. One example is here:

As I watched my wife unbuttoned his pants and pulled out

This makes me go back to the beginning of the sentence and start over at "unbuttoned". It brings me to a dead halt because I'm expecting "unbutton" and "pull"

Put a comma after "watched" and the sentence flows smooth.

I see some places where sentences have this structure: I did this, and this, and this...

This is another place where you want to consider a less complicated sentence as a general guideline. You can use this as a narrative device, and there are times where more than one and flows fine, but it feels a little clunky when it is just a series of actions, and the structure isn't used to convey some specific feeling.

He readily agreed and we climbed into our car and I drove to the closest hotel to the bar.

I would split this up into more than one sentence, with either the first or last action given it's own sentence, putting the middle action with the other as a compound sentence. I'd probably pump up the sentence I split off a little, too.
"He readily agreed, with almost no hesitation."

Your paragraphs get a little long once you get into the action. It's harder to read large blocks of text on a computer screen than it is on a written page.

I think you have a bit too much going on in some of those paragraphs, as well. This provides some natural breaking points.

She immediately stripped off her clothes and got behind Amy. She buried her face in Amy's pussy and Amy jumped so high her mouth came off Mark's cock.

Amy had been so wrapped up in Mark's cock she hadn't even heard Angela come into the room. After looking back to see who was licking her pussy she went right back to the huge black cock in front of her.

After adjusting the camera to get all four people in frame I stripped off my own clothes and joined the group on the bed. I got behind Angela and began licking her pussy slowly as she continued working on my wife. She was surprisingly wet for having just joined the party.

As I continued licking her pussy I heard Mark start groaning and saying he was going to cum. My wife likes to suck down some cum as much as the next woman, but she didn't want to risk not having that massive cock in her pussy this night.

Just a quick break down of one paragraph into chunks that are easier to read, and don't have quite so much going on in them.

You may get called out for anal sex without mentioning any kind of lubrication. As this is essentially a stroke story, a lot of those readers won't care, but it can very well pull people out of the moment, and there are some commenters that love to rail about this.

Mark changes to Mike at least once. I have a bad habit of this myself. You have to really check hard if you change your mind about a character's mind partway through writing the story. Some people automatically consider a messed up name as a sign that you stole the story from some other author and changed the names to hide it.

Overall, the narrative feels a little dry. There's not much emotion/imagery in there. Many of the sentences are over complicated, while a lot of others are just too compact, especially in contrast to the long ones.

Lack of dialogue is part of the reason for this, in my opinion. A lot of places where you tell us what people are saying, I think you could have added a lot more to the story by actually having the characters speak the dialogue.

I have to stretch my suspension of disbelief quite a bit with Angela at the counter. I give a stroke story a lot of leeway with believability, but this pushed it a little for me.

We only get a tiny glimpse of Mark's personality in the one line of actual dialogue, and it comes across a little stereotypical to me.

I would either drop the "seven inches" or the mentions of "massive" and such. Those two just don't jive in my head. Seven inches is big, but it just doesn't qualify as "massive" to me.

Many readers are quite vocal about disliking any mention of dimensions in a story at all. Cup sizes, how long it is, etc.

In this case, if you drop the descriptors like "huge" and "massive", you might actually score some points with people who dislike reading about "huge black cocks" Seven inches is bigger than average, and gives that little kick without the stereotypical image of a guy with a baseball bat dangling between his legs.

Drop the descriptors down to "big", or "thick" or something, and I think it will moderate some of the negative reactions that you might receive to that element of the story.

If you've already submitted this story, then I hope you chose to put it in "Group Sex". If you put it in "Loving Wives", then be prepared for massive amounts of venomous feedback. You're also likely to get some venomous ( and racist ) feedback in "Interracial". It fits best in group sex, and avoids some of the categories that harbor the largest concentration of venom-spitting commenters on the site.

There's heat in there, but I think you could pump up the imagery a little more. It seems like there's an awful lot of quick position changes, too. Part of this is the long paragraphs, having too much going on in a single block of text, but I think it would seem a little rushed even if broken up.

It's not a bad little stroke fantasy, but there are a lot of tweaks you could make that would make it a lot more interesting, and easy to read.

Just my knee-jerk reaction, typed as I read the story.

 

[_Lynn_]

There isn't really anything that I can add to what Dark said. He made excellent points.

The lack of dialogue made it dry right from the beginning, so that I struggled to go on.

 

[ericahope]

There's quite a bit that could be changed here to make it better.

As a whole, it reads like a bad porno. Basically no plot, no character development other than a list of your wife's fantasies at the beginning and wham bam sex. Maybe that's what you were going for, but it just doesn't do it for me.

Dark had some good suggestions about sentence structure.

For example:
"Whether her friend, Ashley, or a random guy she was always willing to shake her beautiful ass."

That sentence should probably read: Whether with her friend, Ashley, or a random guy, she was always willing to shake her beautiful ass."

The word "ass" is used way too much in the first couple sentences. Try using other words.

I don't think you should put things in parenthesis in the middle of a story. Also, if you didn't get out a ruler and measure the black guy's penis, you shouldn't use measurements to describe a person or body parts. Use descriptive words such as "large" "thick" or "longer than average".

You change tenses from past to present, which jars the reader.

One thing rubs me the wrong way in stories and just turns me off is when I have no idea how something logistically takes place. How did Angela get into the room? You said the door was closed. Don't hotel doors lock automatically? Did she have a key? How'd it happen?

Just my thoughts...