Feedback on new story.

[bondagegirl007]

Hi all! I'm new to the site and have recently published my first story. It's got a couple more chapters coming so I'd love to get some feedback before I try again. Thanks so much to anyone who takes the time to read/comment!

My story is "Becoming His," it's under the non-consent/reluctance genre, and here's the link (if I've done it right anyway). Thanks again!

https://www.literotica.com/s/becoming-his-ch-01-2

 

[LesDesirable]

Other than your opening paragraph, which has some sentence fragments and clumsy lines, the story works well enough. Telling in first person present can lead to the story being a bit of an odd read, especially in a category where the narrator is not in control of the situation after the first paragraph. I think I would prefer to read this as her thoughts after the initial incident, but that is a minor thing, and it is too late to change to past tense.

More careful attention to phrasing: The pen pal program my church set up with inmates at the local state prison was supposed to help keep them motivated to stay on the right path. can be "The pen pal program my church started with the state prison was intended to motivate inmates."

"get as much out of it as the inmates." drop the rest of that sentence.

I would also have liked to see some of the back-story prior to jumping into this scene, the pen-pal program, the letters, and some of the life prior to becoming a sex-slave to your anti-hero. A more developed character can bring your readers in by helping them care about the narrator. She had a life prior to pulling up to the gates, and you touched on it with a single line or two (my church, no friends...)

Good start, you should gain some readers.

 

[OneAuthor]

I like the plot, and I can see it is getting a lot of great comments.

It could use a bit of editing, but otherwise it's a strong start.

 

[bondagegirl007]

I would also have liked to see some of the back-story prior to jumping into this scene, the pen-pal program, the letters, and some of the life prior to becoming a sex-slave to your anti-hero. A more developed character can bring your readers in by helping them care about the narrator. She had a life prior to pulling up to the gates, and you touched on it with a single line or two (my church, no friends...)

Good start, you should gain some readers.

Thank you for this! This is great, exactly what I was looking for. I had wanted to expand more in this chapter on her history in particular, but I worried there was already too much clogging it up before we got to the action. But I had planned to go more into her back story and some of theirs together in the next chapter, and then his in the chapter after, but was facing the same fears... so this has helped me decide on a direction. Thank you!

And I'm far more comfortable in first person, which is a crutch I'm working on. As this is my first time delving back into writing in a couple years, I thought trying to make the switch right off the bat probably wasn't the best idea.

Thanks so much for your feedback -- you've helped guide my next two chapters.

 

[bondagegirl007]

I like the plot, and I can see it is getting a lot of great comments.

It could use a bit of editing, but otherwise it's a strong start.

Thanks for your feedback! I know there are definitely some things I could work on in the editing department... every time I read it I catch more issues. Is there anything in particular you'd recommend looking out for in future chapters?

 

[SynSlave]

I only gave it a quick skim because I've been reading and writing/editing half the day. It looks interesting so I'll probably read it more completely the next time I click this thread title.

But with just a cursory skim I do have a piece of advice I just gave someone else. Break up those paragraphs.

A few of them have multiple people speaking and that tends to make reading more difficult/confusing. Other than that, some of them are just longer than necessary. It may not seem like a major issue but one of the things I learned primarily from this site and it's members is--when reading on a screen (and thus it's even more pertitant to tablet/mobile users) smaller paragraphs are easier to digest.

 

[bondagegirl007]

Thanks for the feedback! I'll keep that in mind going forward. I haven't been on this site long and whenever I do access it it's on my computer, so paragraph size isn't something I ever really noticed on here. But it's an easy fix to make things easier for readers. Thanks!

 

[OneAuthor]

Thanks for your feedback! I know there are definitely some things I could work on in the editing department... every time I read it I catch more issues. Is there anything in particular you'd recommend looking out for in future chapters?

SynSlave said it well. Mostly, having pieces of dialogue separated by multiple sentences requires more paragraphs.

For instance, this:

"Lillian," he says, his voice the low, husky timber I've become familiar with over the past few months, sends shivers down my spine. It's too much. My legs freeze and I stop walking. Going any further would be beyond stupid, but I can't step back either. As much as I've talked to this man over letters and phone calls, nothing' has prepared me for the dark predator standing before me. Nothing's prepared me for his chiseled good looks or the intense scrutiny of his gaze. And in the seconds I stand there, locked in front of him like some kind of helpless deer, I've become his prey, and I know it. "I, umm..." I squeak out on a helpless whisper.


Would be better like this:

"Lillian." His low, husky timber - which I've become familiar with over the past few months - sends shivers down my spine.

It's too much. My legs freeze and I stop walking. Going any further would be beyond stupid, but I can't step back either. As much as I've talked to this man over letters and phone calls, nothing has prepared me for the dark predator standing before me. Nothing's prepared me for his chiseled good looks or the intense scrutiny of his gaze. And in the seconds I stand there, locked in front of him like some kind of helpless deer, I've become his prey, and I know it.

"I, umm..." I squeak out in a helpless whisper.

 

[bondagegirl007]

Thank you! Easy enough things to look out for.