Feedback on new story, please.

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=486648

This is the rewrite for my story I had pulled down. Oddly, though I think this one is better, the other had much higher scores.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

For what it's worth, I think the new version is better - less adverbs and just the names and some dialogue make it more real.

Maybe the lower scores reflect the fact that keen readers of version 1 saw this was a rewrite and clicked back without voting. With hindsight, it would probably have been better to do an edit rather than a delete. That way you retain all the votes and scores you had before. The process is just as DK said for 'delete' just you put EDIT, not DELETE on the title line and either paste all the new text or attach a Word doc. In the notes field you put 'edit of story #(lit id)'

I still think you've haven't fixed lynn's comment about the opening 'hook'. It is slow to get going, there is too much description and explanation. An old greybeard of Lit, Rumple Foreskin wrote this guide;

How to be a Happy Hooker

Well worth a read.

For me, there are still too many sentences beginning 'he/she' and the structure 'he/she did this'. If I remember right, you said you were more concerned with the scene, and the reactions, than developing characters. To make this work effectively I suggest you use far more of the senses.

This not only gets rid of the 'he did' syndrome (The wicked caress of his fingers on her spine was tantalizing, sending tingles through her whole body) - lousy example but you get what I mean. Paco can give more artistic suggestions.

Turn simple action into mental reaction to get inside their heads. "The tension was electric, she desperately wanted him to slide his finger inside her. The strong musky aroma of her arousal was heavy in the air. Surely he must know how desperate she was." Not good stuff but still.

Use touch, sight, smell, taste and sound more and you bring the scene to vibrant life. If you choose not to make us readers want the coupling to happen through character development, you need to work doubly hard on the sensuality of the scene.

My two cents is leave chapter 1 and go to work on part 2. What did she see in the alley? See, that's the hook to get me reading more .

 

[TheLovelyLickerish1]

Thanks, E_O. I appreciate the time you took not just to read and comment on this one, but to refer back and apply against the old one. I will definitely read the hook lesson. Sometimes I can grab from the go, sometimes not so much. I think Ch 2 is a pretty tidy hook with a nice barb. I had a good hook with Running Late as well.


I got rid of a lot of the he did/she said, etc., beginnings but I suppose it's going to take a while for me to get into the groove of working them all out. I did a lot more character development, but again, not having written so extensively as I did on this one, it will take practice. For the two years I've been around and writing (not that I wrote constantly all that time) I did it one way. I never did ask for feedback because I wrote for me.

I think I was really looking for some more positive reinforcement in my life. I get a lot of PR from my other craft, which is pretty public, very diverse and which I LOVE, so think I just wanted to prove that I could be really, really good at something other than what I do daily. I guess until I can commit to this like I commit to my other craft, I can only expect to be a good writer and not a great one. As long as people like it, well enough, and they seem to since it's scoring pretty well, I will be satisfied with that. I don't have many more stories in me right now, which is the same thing that happened back in 08 when I shot out a bunch and then nothing for almost two years.

I'm leaving well enough alone with 1. I learned some new stuff, a lot of which I have applied, a lot of which I will still bring with me for my next writing spurt.

Chapter 2 is the alley. I personally found it pretty intense, but again, that would be a matter of opinion. I'm sure everyone thinks their stories are the greatest; every crow thinks hers is the blackest...

 

[stressballs]

Story is very interesting and thrilling to read. I have enjoyed the story.