Feedback on my Story Sensual Persuasion?

[haremhottie678]

Hi! Pretty self-explanatory. I would really love some general feedback on my story Sensual Persuasion. I wrote this a while back, so I would be interested in hearing what other people thought of it! Thanks!

Please don't hesitate to leave any comments! I appreciate all sorts of constructive comments!

 

[Bramblethorn]

Hi! Pretty self-explanatory. I would really love some general feedback on my story Sensual Persuasion. I wrote this a while back, so I would be interested in hearing what other people thought of it! Thanks!

Please don't hesitate to leave any comments! I appreciate all sorts of constructive comments!

When asking for feedback, it's a good idea either to include a link to the story or have a link in your signature. Otherwise it takes people a lot more effort to get to it. It's also a good idea to let them know what genre.

I didn't have time to read much, but a few comments on chapter 1:

You introduce the chapter as "Chapter 1: Cameron Laurent" but then switch to a different perspective halfway through without clearly identifying this. You have several blank lines above the switch, wondering if there was meant to be a chapter heading that got left off? This sort of thing disorients the reader - you want them absorbed in the story, not trying to work out who's talking.

Some typos/spelling issues: e.g. "Jesus, Cameron, your losing it" - should be "you're". I've seen a lot worse but it was a little jarring; an editor could help here.

This paragraph:

Hailey was one of the coolest chicks at Rorington; the elite prep high school that anyone who was somebody's child went to in Massachusetts to get an education. Both my parents were noted doctors. One was a neurologist and the other was an immunologist, so they were pretty noted in their field. Money spoke volumes at Rorington. We weren't exactly as well off as some of the other hotel magnates, billionaire CEO's, or politicians, but I still managed to be acceptable amongst the crowd of the elite.

The first sentence there is quite awkward. The semicolon doesn't belong there (see this useful guide) and the structure of the second half is hard to parse. Here's how I might write it:

"Hailey was one of the coolest chicks at Rorington, a prep high school for children of the Massachusetts elite."

You don't need "to get an education"; that's the default purpose of a school. "Elite" and "anyone who was somebody" are conveying pretty much the same information, so you don't need them both, especially since the rest of the paragraph reinforces the point with talk of magnates and billionaires.

"One was a neurologist and the other was an immunologist, so they were pretty noted in their field" - redundant "noted", and also the "so" doesn't make sense here. "So" implies a logical consequence; just being a neurologist or an immunologist isn't enough to make a doctor noteworthy, there are thousands of those professions around.

"...amongst the crowd of the elite" - redundancy with "elite" at the start of the paragraph, and you've already established their eliteness. Just "amongst the crowd" would work here.

 

[haremhottie678]

Hey! Thank you so much! I'll definitely go over it and post an edited version.

I appreciate it!