Feedback on my story please

[Diamond Butterfly]

I have 6 works submitted under the name of IceFaerie. two of which are poems.

Would someone please give me some feedback???

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

22 Views

Well looks like people see my thread and don't want to post feedback on my stories. Are they that bad?

 

[Guest]

22 views?

That's literally impossible!

Post a link to your stories. That might help.

Good luck.

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

My Poems

Gift
L. Stevens

The pain was unbearable.
I had never thought anything could hurt so much.
I felt as though my body was going to explode
It was hard to understand what was happening.
I all of the pain, I only understood one thing.
It was time and I couldn’t wait for it to be over.
They took me into a series of different rooms before we got to one that they said was right.
I didn’t care; I just wanted the end to come.

They came in periodically to check on all of the machinery that I was hooked up to.
It seemed I had a thousand tubes coming out from all over my body.
The pain had eased with the medication.
People came and went, in and out until familiar faces came in.
Mom was there and Cindy too, they asked how I was feeling as though I was suffering from the flu.
Others came as the nurses stopped by.
When was it all finally going to end?
I didn’t know how much longer I could go.

Now, I had a needle inserted into my spine with the promise even more pain relief.
When it began working, I tried to sleep.
After hours went by another nurse came in to check my papers.
It was time.

They broke the bed and had me laying and ready.
After what seemed like a second forever I was told to help.
I knew how, but I wasn’t sure how.
All of a sudden my instincts kicked in.

A few hours passed and we had accomplished nothing.
The doctors were discussing other alternatives.
I guess something changed in my body and I tried harder.

Finally it happened.
I felt pieces of myself falling away as they urged me “harder, harder.”
With my last breath and all of my strength, I pushed my baby girl out into the world.
I cried.
As they laid her into my arms, I remember looking at her dark blue eyes and thinking;
How can you love someone so much that you just met?

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

22 views?

That's literally impossible!

Post a link to your stories. That might help.

Good luck.

How is it imposible? It was what was posted uder views when I looked at it.

I have a link, it's in my signature. Not too hard to find I hope, Plus I am posting them all here.

Thanks and I hope I don't get too much negitive feedback.

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

I'M WAITING...

For feedback on this one beffore I post some others. When I post it, my saga will be all in one, not in the four parts it is submitted as.

Reply soon!!

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

Give up?

I'm begining to think I should give up. I can see how many people are viewing, but no one wants to post a reply. Oh well, When I get to 100 views and still no replies, I guess I'll give up.

 

[Guest]

I have a link, it's in my signature. Not too hard to find I hope, Plus I am posting them all here.

Psst

The regular visitors, including me, have the sig-line option turned off (for obvious reasons).

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

Psst

The regular visitors, including me, have the sig-line option turned off (for obvious reasons).

Thanks for the advice. But still I posted my first poem right here.

 

[Lori Baby]

Thanks for the advice. But still I posted my first poem right here.

Sorry to tell you this but IMO this feedback forum is a waste of time. Nobody reads it, it's nothing personal hun that you didn't get any feedback. It very rarely works.

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

Sorry to tell you this but IMO this feedback forum is a waste of time. Nobody reads it, it's nothing personal hun that you didn't get any feedback. It very rarely works.

lol it was really to get me to 100

 

[Lori Baby]

lol it was really to get me to 100

You naughty girl!

 

[Guest]

Re: My Poems

Gift
L. Stevens


Now, I had a needle inserted into my spine

Fucking hell.

I know this. I was six. I did not cry.

 

[Lori Baby]

Re: Re: My Poems

I know this. I was six. I did not cry.

Ouch.

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

Re: Re: My Poems

Fucking hell.

I know this. I was six. I did not cry.

Are you saying you had an epidural at 6 years old?

 

[wishfulthinking]

Hi, thought I would have a read of your first chapter and prove Lori wrong I'm not very good at reviewing, so I'll just make some general comments. You have a great writing style, very smooth and flowing. The only things I didn't like were the italics - I can't read them on the computer as it is excruciating to the eye, and you have a long fantasy segment in them, so maybe some people would be off-put by this. The only other thing, and it is a very small thing, and is probably your intention, but you wrote things in a sort of 'negative' manner eg Like crossing the road and looking to see that they weren't killed - maybe just say something like she checked for traffic. But otherwise think you have a lot of talent and potential!

 

[tn_greeneyez]

Hi, thought I would have a read of your first chapter and prove Lori wrong I'm not very good at reviewing, so I'll just make some general comments. You have a great writing style, very smooth and flowing. The only things I didn't like were the italics - I can't read them on the computer as it is excruciating to the eye, and you have a long fantasy segment in them, so maybe some people would be off-put by this. The only other thing, and it is a very small thing, and is probably your intention, but you wrote things in a sort of 'negative' manner eg Like crossing the road and looking to see that they weren't killed - maybe just say something like she checked for traffic. But otherwise think you have a lot of talent and potential!

I agree..........and the mere fact that you have an "H" after one story should tell you that people like them.

 

[Guest]

Re: Re: Re: My Poems

Are you saying you had an epidural at 6 years old?

No.

The scientists took my monkey spinal fruid for test. I had been violently ill.

 

[Diamond Butterfly]

Re: Re: Re: Re: My Poems

No.

The scientists took my monkey spinal fruid for test. I had been violently ill.

Ouchy. I never had a spinal tap, but I had two epidurals. At least after a minute you go numb with that.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I read part I of “Best Friend’s Boyfriend”, and I looked at Part 4, and I really don’t know what to say. They were good stories. I don’t know what else to say.

Part 1 was kind of off-putting because you’ve got that entire fantasy section in italics. I avoid putting long blocks of italics into a story, because to me italics are kind of hard to read. I think you could have got away with normal text for the fantasy.

I also noticed you started mixing past tense and present tense towards the end of the fantasy. The confusion continued after the fantasy ended too

Your narrator seems to be a little passionless for me. Things feel good to her and she enjoys them, but there’s something missing from her, and I think maybe it’s strong emotion. She kind of talks in a monotone. Looking back just now to Part 4, I see that her descriptions of sex are kind of “he did this and I did that”, without a lot of descriptions of people’s responses. It makes the sex feel a little bit clinical. That’s probably why I think she feels passionless.

But all in all, they’re fine stories. I suspect you’re not getting more feedback because there’s just not much to say about them.

---dr.M.

Edited to add: Okay, here's what it is. Check out this excerpt:
------------------
have always loved the first penetrating motion of entrance, but with Matt, it was even sweeter. I enjoyed every inch sliding in my wet pussy. I felt every inch deeper and deeper as though it were on fire. I wanted more and told him so with each thrust. I cried, I moaned, I think I even screamed in pleasure at one point in time. There was no stopping him or me. Our bodies were one, joined in such a way that no one could pull them apart.
------------------

This is your old "telling not showing" canard. The reason the sex seemed kind of clinical to me is that you never take us into it in real time. Instead of "More! More!" I cried as I arched my back and heaved my hips up at him. we have "I wanted more and told him so with each thrust." The first one puts us into the action, the second just tells us what happened.

 

[Guest]

Some people do give feedback in this forum -

But you haven't given anyone much time to do so.

You posted the initial thread on the 8th, and then posted a few times on the 9th, wondering why no one had answered.

To give proper feedback takes time. Not just to read and review the work, but to think of things to say that would help the writer.

The best way to get feedback on your work is to give feedback to others. When you read poems and stories from others, make sure you send them comments. And sign your name to it. Never send anonymously. (Don't give public comments if you aren't comfortable - private email is fine).

They'll appreciate it, and they'll usually reciprocate on your work.

 

[Guest]

Re: Some people do give feedback in this forum -

But you haven't given anyone much time to do so.

You posted the initial thread on the 8th, and then posted a few times on the 9th, wondering why no one had answered.

To give proper feedback takes time. Not just to read and review the work, but to think of things to say that would help the writer.

The best way to get feedback on your work is to give feedback to others. When you read poems and stories from others, make sure you send them comments. And sign your name to it. Never send anonymously. (Don't give public comments if you aren't comfortable - private email is fine).

They'll appreciate it, and they'll usually reciprocate on your work.

Pants on fire!

 

[hiddenself]

The forum is not a wast of time. But you get what you put in. If you review others' work, you get more (and more detailed) comments on your own stuff. If you appear as a meteorite and demand feedback, don't be surprised by the lack of enthusiasm.

 

[Lori Baby]

The forum is not a wast of time. But you get what you put in. If you review others' work, you get more (and more detailed) comments on your own stuff. If you appear as a meteorite and demand feedback, don't be surprised by the lack of enthusiasm.

I was using reverse psychology, worked really well too. I don't think the feedback is a waste time.

 

[wishfulthinking]

I was using reverse psychology, worked really well too.

Tsk. Tsk. More faith in human nature is obviously needed! We would have got here eventually