Feedback on my Nude Day story please

[Hubs_in_hose]

I have entered a the Nude Day contest. This is my first work submitted for a contests and I would like more feedback.

Please let me know what you think of Lost and Found

It is a "mutt" of a story. It has a lot of different categories but not really one strong enough to push it into a predefined category.

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

sigh...

 

[Cinner]

Hi,

I entered the contest as well. My story was SciFi in general but had elements of BDSM, fantasy and Interracial along with the nude theme. I was worried about it because the nudity was used as something the characters did in their lives to make a point. This meant that the story was political and the nudity seen as adjunct to that. Like I said, I worried about it.

I will read your story now if you like, but I'm still learning as well so I'm not sure if I will be your best bet for developing your craft.

Congrats on getting a story published though! Feels good, doesn't it?

-Cin

 

[_Lynn_]

I read 'Lost and Found'. The story dragged in spots, but that was from the lack of dialogue. By the end of the first page I noticed a pattern to the sentence structure.

• She curled into a ball . . .
  
• April opened her eyes . . .
  
• She looked at her legs . . .
  
• April covered her breasts . . .
  
• She examined her naked arms and legs . . .
  
• April gathered her strength . . .

I've done that very thing, and still catch myself doing it, but it does get boring.

I didn't connect with your characters. You tell us April wakes up without knowing where she is or how she got there. You don't tell us much about April. Who is she and why did she follow the notes? Why didn't she try to escape? What was it about her personality that had her accepting everything she read?

From what you gave us, I didn't get a clear picture of her surroundings, only that "The songbirds were singing, wildflowers were in bloom, and the woods were a lush with green."

As much as the story dragged in the beginning, the end seemed rushed. She arrives, discovers who the mysterious M is, and they end up together.

I know it isn't much, but it's late and I'm tired.

 

[sr71plt]

The danger of pointing on the forum to a contest entry you have is that you might get a critique that cries readers off (or makes them see flaws they might not have seen otherwise--and thus invite a lower score) rather than attracts them to the story.

 

[Cinner]

I'm sorry that I fell asleep last night before completing the story (this has nothing to do with your story - I was just exhausted).

I liked the first part very much, the build up to meeting M. I agree with your previous commentator who felt that the end, after meeting M, was rushed and for me, implausible. If you had taken more time with writing that section then I would have liked it more.

You have some grammar and editorial issues, but those can be fixed easily since you could ask someone here whom you have befriended to read your story over before sending it in or you could find someone in Lit's Volunteer Editor programme.

You write sex and nature scenes very well and I would read more of your work. I was deeply impressed by lines like "... April felt like she had ridden into the pages of a magazine. Detailed brickwork and manicured landscaping came into view." You have gems like that sprinkled throughout the story and these made it enjoyable for me.

All this said, your story reminded me why it is that I do not like to read other people's work while in a competition. In my Work in Progress folder I have a "Celebrities" story featuring a woman called Avril who receives letters from a stalker; a "BDSM" story featuring horses, riders and training of the horses and a woman and a "Non-Human" story featuring woodland elves. SIGH It's too late for me to change my stories except I will have to change Avril's name.

-Cin

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

I am still trying to learning this craft. This is my first contest. All the feedback here will help me with future efforts and I thank you.

 

[tzu1978]

I will read your story now if you like, but I'm still learning as well so I'm not sure if I will be your best bet for developing your craft.http://www.kucei.info/g.gif

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

I read 'Lost and Found'. The story dragged in spots, but that was from the lack of dialogue.

I was struggling on how to move the story along without dialogue. I wanted to reinforce the loneliness and probably could have done a better job at that

I didn't connect with your characters. You tell us April wakes up without knowing where she is or how she got there. You don't tell us much about April. Who is she and why did she follow the notes? Why didn't she try to escape? What was it about her personality that had her accepting everything she read?

I was trying to allude that the water was drugged to make her resistance to the commands to be lowered. I didn't want to come right out and say that she drank more of the drugged water. I thought I was showing that her thoughts and ideas would become more clear the longer she went without drink, then when she received instructions they were accompanied with a drink and she would forget about her earlier concerns.

From what you gave us, I didn't get a clear picture of her surroundings, only that "The songbirds were singing, wildflowers were in bloom, and the woods were a lush with green."

I need to do a better job of painting the world I saw in my mind on the paper. I had the entire story pictured in my mind, the translation from my thought pictures to word pictures did not do the job well enough.

As much as the story dragged in the beginning, the end seemed rushed. She arrives, discovers who the mysterious M is, and they end up together.

Yes, you are 100% right about this. I got to the end and felt that the story needed to end. I had more that I wanted to say and do, but it felt like more filler and the story seemed too long already. I tried to answer some of the obvious questions, but I guess I wasn't clear or thorough enough

I know it isn't much, but it's late and I'm tired.

I appreciate your comments. You validated some of the things that I was thinking and gave me some things that I need to improve. As long as someone doesn't say "you suck and your work sucks too" then there is something that I can get out of the feedback.

 

[Hubs_in_hose]

I liked the first part very much, the build up to meeting M. I agree with your previous commentator who felt that the end, after meeting M, was rushed and for me, implausible. If you had taken more time with writing that section then I would have liked it more.

I agree, I addressed what happened in my previous reply.

You have some grammar and editorial issues, but those can be fixed easily since you could ask someone here whom you have befriended to read your story over before sending it in or you could find someone in Lit's Volunteer Editor programme.

I did have someone edit my work and I believe that he did a fantastic job. We had to rework the story to be told from an entirely different perspective. In his defense, he edited the first draft (very thoroughly and very thoughtfully) and I rewrote it using many of his corrections and suggestions. I thought we were running out of time for the contest so I didn't have him edit the rewrite. Besides, the amount of work he did to get the story were it is now, I wouldn't have felt right asking him to give it another pass.

You write sex and nature scenes very well and I would read more of your work. I was deeply impressed by lines like "... April felt like she had ridden into the pages of a magazine. Detailed brickwork and manicured landscaping came into view." You have gems like that sprinkled throughout the story and these made it enjoyable for me.

Thank you.

All this said, your story reminded me why it is that I do not like to read other people's work while in a competition. In my Work in Progress folder I have a "Celebrities" story featuring a woman called Avril who receives letters from a stalker; a "BDSM" story featuring horses, riders and training of the horses and a woman and a "Non-Human" story featuring woodland elves. SIGH It's too late for me to change my stories except I will have to change Avril's name.

-Cin

Oh, I am sorry, don't change your stories on my behalf. One of the most difficult things for me to do in this story was the section when April was riding the horse and having her body become aroused. I was trying to incorporate the motion of the riding and the eroticism without it coming across in any sort of bestiality scenario. Thank you for your feedback. I do appreciate it.

 

[_Lynn_]

I was struggling on how to move the story along without dialogue. I wanted to reinforce the loneliness and probably could have done a better job at that

I was trying to allude that the water was drugged to make her resistance to the commands to be lowered. I didn't want to come right out and say that she drank more of the drugged water. I thought I was showing that her thoughts and ideas would become more clear the longer she went without drink, then when she received instructions they were accompanied with a drink and she would forget about her earlier concerns.


I need to do a better job of painting the world I saw in my mind on the paper. I had the entire story pictured in my mind, the translation from my thought pictures to word pictures did not do the job well enough.



Yes, you are 100% right about this. I got to the end and felt that the story needed to end. I had more that I wanted to say and do, but it felt like more filler and the story seemed too long already. I tried to answer some of the obvious questions, but I guess I wasn't clear or thorough enough

I appreciate your comments. You validated some of the things that I was thinking and gave me some things that I need to improve. As long as someone doesn't say "you suck and your work sucks too" then there is something that I can get out of the feedback.

When I first started writing (early 2007), I knew nothing. I was lucky enough to connect with a few people who took their time to help me improve. I soon learned that the best feedback wasn't praise for a job well done but a critique of what the person didn't get out of the story. Reading some of the comments was rough, but I learned from each one.