Feedback on my lesbian story

[warmlips]

Just wondering if I could have some feedback on my little story The Main Course, Lesbian Sex. Only two people have written so far with polar oppposite views! Do comment on the style of writing too, I have never written like this before and want to know if it works!
Thanks everyone!
warmlips

 

[71bruce8]

Lesbian story

Nice story. Compact. Even flow to the action. I think the style works as the action is presented head on without any descriptive rambling or irrelevant chatter. Are lesbian encounters really this easy?

 

[Baron]

But people were cheering them at the end? What kind of restaurant is this


I liked the story overall, I definitely liked the fact that it was short and sweet and to the point, but there wasn't enough flirtation or build-up between the two main characters, and the opening distracted me, because I thought the fiancee/boyfriend would figure into it, but they don't.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Warmlips, (I still love your handle)

You've posted a URL for your poem, but not your story. Use EDIT to stick one on and I promise you will pick up at least one response (me).
Unfortunately, that's all I can promise. My latest epic has been up since the 17th and I've yet to get any feedback from this site.

Guess everybody on this side of the pond is watching college basketball. If you get a chance, check it out and tell me what you think. http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41555

Rumple Foreskin

 

[jacqui4u2]

honey, i loved the story. you made it real and that is what counts. write more.

Jacqui

 

[Fairytat]

Rumple--

Read your story and was turned on by it which is always a good sign. However, when I got to the second page--the confrontation with her fiance--I was totally disgusted by it. If she hated sex with him that much--hell, if it hurt her that much--why in god's name didn't she talk to him about it? I've always been upfront with all my lovers about what I like and don't like with their techniques so it was a bit hard for me to swallow that she wouldn't do the same. Especially as she was going to have to endure sex with him for the rest of her life.

 

[Guest]

I just read your story and thought it was very good. I would have liked there to be a little more build up before they got together.

Maybe some mutual flirting. Perhaps the waitress could have come to their table and they could have let their hands touch for a brief moment.

I liked your story and hope you post some more very soon

 

[CarolineOh]

Just wondering if I could have some feedback on my little story The Main Course, Lesbian Sex. Only two people have written so far with polar oppposite views! Do comment on the style of writing too, I have never written like this before and want to know if it works!
Thanks everyone!
warmlips

Let me first say that generally, I don't like the first person present perspective very much. I think the writers voice sounds more natural, and thus easier to tealte to, if they are telling me a story that has happend, rather than an account of events as they occur. That's just my perspective, that "I kissed her" is more appealling to read than "I am kissing her".
Putting that aside, I like the story. My one piece of advice would be that, you might have preshadowed the surprise ending a little bit. Maybe some teasing suggestions that things at the bar are not what they seems. What if the protagonist noticed some hints of same sex flirting amongst the other customers. or if there were some hints that her friends were setting her up? The way it is written now, the ending is cute, but with a little more set up, could carry a stronger erotic charge.

 

[warmlips]

Thanks for replying guys

Thanks, that was helpful, sorry I didn't say anything before, I haven't been in here since I set up this thread . . . too busy in Lit Personals, you see. . . I love meeting people, mmmm so nice in here!
See you later on the boards

warmlips

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Warmlips,

You've written a nice, short, erotic story, but it has flaws. The main one concerns the positions of the two characters in the bathroom. These three excerpts show the problem.

"She obviously has the same idea, gesturing frantically for me to climb onto the loo seat and lifting my dress, revealing my soaking pussy."

"I reach down and pull up her top and fondle her small, round breasts, just as I had imagined them, and then I suck each of them..." (Even a VERY flexible person would probably have trouble pulling off that feat, especially in a tight space while trying to keep from falling.)

"Her beautiful dark hair is flowing onto me," (Unless there's a strong updraft, the hair would be defying the laws of gravity.)

Here's a few other points. You've done a remarkably good job writing in the first person singular. That said, it's still not, IMHO, good enough to justify not switching to something easier on the reader, such as first person past or, preferably, third person.

There are places where the saga reads like an attempt to emulate Bridget Jones' Diary. Some of the sentences are too long and convoluted. For instance, " Her outfit fits her perfectly and closely, a short black skirt pressing against her backside, I can see the outline from where I'm sitting, and like me, no knickers. "

Other's are plain confusing. "When he walks back to the kitchen, my friends all burst out laughing, convinced that the waiter fancies one of them, due to his staring at her the entire time we were ordering.

And finally, some of your paragraphs should be broken into shorter units (Readers tend to perfer shorter paragraphs. This is especially true when they're reading on a computer.) You might consider the para where she goes to the john. It opens with a description of the antipasto and ends with her fingering herself.

Remember, all critiques are subjective-not authoritative. For a first time post, it was a first rate effort. Keep up the good work.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[jon.hayworth]

Warmlips,

Read your story.

I liked its simple construction, I tried a simular quick encounter in my lesbian story "Janey Stuck in a lift".

I also liked the fact that you had taken the time to spellcheck and render your story error free.

As an account - and something for people to use as a jack-off aid they work. But as in terms of story telling there is an important element missing - the cliff hanger. Will she won't she.

I also feel it is better to tell a first person story in the past tense.

Finally without foreshadowing the final bit about people cheering is out of context. I was left asking myself where did that come from? - I reread the story and still could not get it.

Having given all these negative comments I must tell you I still rated it a 5.

jon

 

[judeegdon]

Can't believe this is your first effort. Mmmmmm. Liked it a lot.

Scrivi molto bene! Adesso sto ansioso vedere tu prossimo racconto!