Feedback on my first try

[mysterion]

I would love some feedback on my freshman effort. A semi-true story. You can probably guess where it stops being true.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=138149

It is entitled Student Massage. I am not afraid of criticism, but I do love praise.

M

 

[Guest]

Snaps for Mysterion!

Wow, I love it. Wanna re-enact it? Great description, a truly awesome piece of writing. Now I feel so inadequate *pout*

Lots of claps,

subwithnocollar

 

[Lycon]

Not so keen

Sorry, it just didn't do it for me. I suppose I stopped believing in it at about the time it stopped being true.

 

[bbkradwell]

I disagree

 

[mysterion]

Re: Not so keen

Sorry, it just didn't do it for me. I suppose I stopped believing in it at about the time it stopped being true.

Lycon, what do you like to read?

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I thought it was a good story, especially good for a first effort. There are a bunch of typos, but nothing extraordinary by Literotica standards.

The plot was of course pure fantasy, but that's what porn is. It doesn't have to be real. It just has to seem real, and this seemed real enough.

The sex was hot and well-described, very graphic. Somehow I think it might have worked better had the story ended after the first sex scene though. The anal had a really tacked-on feel to it. Maybe it's because we understand what motivated her to screw him the first time, but it's not clear what mativated her the second. Obviously she's taken with him, but it would have helped if you'd made that clear.

All in all I thought it was intelligently written with wit and style and some good description and imagery. Very nicely done.

---dr.M..

 

[bbkradwell]

Yes.

I agree with my esteemed colleague, "dr. Mabeuse," here. OK, sure, he does look like the illegitimate son of Joe Mantegna and George Lucas but, he knows I don't hold that against him...