feedback on my first submission

[fogbank]

Hello all;

I'd greatly appreciate some feedback on my first submission; the link is in my sig. Some good stuff in it and some bad. Here are the specific things I wanted to look into:

1. The initial encounter (with Paul) is intended to be a little 'flat' and unsexy. Is this a bad idea to have a scene like this?

2. The whole 'AIDS' idea. I thought it would be interesting to write a story that treated that issue in an interesting and intelligent way; I'm not sure if I achieved that.

3. Ilapu's character. Maybe a little too undeveloped? Too much a stereotype?

4. Meredith's character. This is really what I was focusing on in the story. Was the progression for her 'natural' at all, or was it all too sudden?

Any feedback is greatly welcomed!! It's my first one on here and I know that there's a lot of things I need to work on in my writing!

 

[MarkedMan]

1. The initial encounter (with Paul) is intended to be a little 'flat' and unsexy. Is this a bad idea to have a scene like this? I'd have to say yes. It's useful to have Paul act as the character who presents the information that she's not taken seriously because of her lack of experience, but his little performance afterward is jarring, and leaves too many loose ends.

2. The whole 'AIDS' idea. I thought it would be interesting to write a story that treated that issue in an interesting and intelligent way; I'm not sure if I achieved that. I think you achieved it, especially with regard to the different cultural perceptions of it. I wanted to know more.

3. Ilapu's character. Maybe a little too undeveloped? Too much a stereotype? I didn't see anything blatantly stereotypical, but I'd agree he needed more development.

4. Meredith's character. This is really what I was focusing on in the story. Was the progression for her 'natural' at all, or was it all too sudden? WAY too sudden. The way you've written Meredith as so bright and independent, and with the background you've given her, it would be more realistic for her to react with a "that's their problem" and "I'm not going to change just because of what they think" attitude. However, falling in love with a more developed Ilapu could set her on the path more realistically, and a love story is what you seem to be after in the end.

As far as the rest goes, my overall impression is good. It's a unique idea, but it felt hurried. Work on flow and don't force the characters. Also with an interesting setting like this, you can afford to dwell on details. Give us more smell, sound and sight.

Good job.

 

[fogbank]

Thanks MM, good suggestions--for the most part agreed with my own suspicions. I do like the idea for it and I might return to it and do an extended, more polished version at some point. Good call on what Meredith's natural reactions would be. Maybe the whole thing needs to happen over a longer period of time--a week or so. Always hard to find a balance between realistic characters and punchy, good flow.