Feedback on my First story?

[TheLonghorn]

Hi all,

My first story has just been approved; under the same username you see posting this topic.

It's in the incest/taboo category (don't worry, not all my stories will be in this category, it's just the order in which I've been inspired!)

So, if anybody would like to read and give feedback of any kind; positive, or negative, I'm more than happy to receive it.

This isn't my first piece of creative writing ever, but it's certainly a first in as far as erotic writing is concerned.

I feel I've done quite well. It's quite a long story, and the 2nd and 3rd chapters have been approved, and will be posted on the site tomorrow (29th March 2010) and Tuesday (30th March 2010).

For those interested in a brief description before reading, here it is:

"Caitlin and Rochelle are twins. They've always been identical in every way; even their taste in men, and sexual appetites. The two of them have always been inseparable, even when it comes to having sex with their boyfriends. But that's not all they've done together; long before they turned eighteen, they've also both fantasised about making love to their divorced father, Jack... That is... until it actually happened.

This is the story of how it came to be, that Jack and his twin daughters, Caitlin and Rochelle, would all live happily ever after, as a far too loving family."

And finally, here's the link to the story itself:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=469616

As I say, any and all feedback/criticism/whatever is welcome, and 100% appreciated.

Thanks in advance, and I hope you enjoy the story, and any others that may be approved in time.

 

[TheLonghorn]

Apologies for the double post.

Just letting you know Chapter 2 is available to read, if you haven't already seen it:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=469618

I have already responded to some of your comments; some of which were helpful, some were implying a rather disrespectful tone, actually.

I thank you all for reading, nonetheless.

 

[TheLonghorn]

Again, apologies for what is now a triple post!
Chapter 3 is now available also.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=469620

 

[Darkniciad]

The disrespectful tone that you're referring to is actually pretty tame by Lit standards. Best get ready for some truly nasty feedback, because you're sure to get some eventually from the unsavory elements that wander the comment boards. Everybody gets it.

If these comments are getting to you, do not -- repeat NOT -- post anything in the Loving Wives category until you've got the old skin armored up. That category is a shark pit of nastiness. Just a fair warning

Be careful about replying to commenters on your comment board. That can be a turn off for people who might have otherwise commented, and the feedback is few and far between enough as it is.

I do agree with your one seriel commenter that you go overboard with the ellipses in your dialogue. It's something that almost everybody does when they first start out.

You can pump up the readibility and add some flair to your writing ( and get ellipse nazis like me and that commenter off your back *laugh* ) by replacing some of those ellipses with narrative. Think about what's going on during that pause. Is the character casting her eyes down in shame? Perhaps licking her lips? Shifting from foot to foot? A rapid-fire series of thoughts running through her head?

I really only had time to skim, but that certainly jumped out at me right from the beginning. Your paragraphs feel a bit long and wandering, too. I'll need to come back and take a closer look to really explain what's giving me that feeling. One thing that did jump out at me was small bits of dialogue in the middle/end of long paragraphs. Pop that out into a new paragraph, and it will increase the readability a lot.

Just some quick thoughts from a quick skim. Hope it helps

 

[TheLonghorn]

Thank you. Thank you for actually posting something helpful!

I'll respond to each point in order!

First off, I'm not preparing for any nasty comments; if people don't like what I write, and can't give positive, constructive feedback, then they shouldn't respond to it, or even continue reading it. I didn't come here to get myself into arguments with people over technical uses of grammar etc. I came here to write some erotic stories and have a good time doing so. When I ask for feedback, I'm mainly asking for those who like it, to let me know they like it; that's about it. I'm not here to pander to the "perfect" mindset of professional writers.

As for replying to people on my comment boards - if they're anonymous, I can't very well send them a private message, but I can, however do that if they have had the guts to comment using their username. Regardless, though, I refuse to be seen as just "taking" negativity like that. I've been on plenty of other forums where people have been either condescending, patronising, derogatory, or flat out mean towards me when I only join to have fun - where's the fun in that? I don't take that anymore, so if someone speaks to me in a way I see unfit, I will respond, and if the public don't like it, they can simply go to other stories and other authors; it's that simple.

As for my overuse of "..." this is the way I was taught to write long pauses, rather than using "," or "." for any length of pause. I also use these to give the impression of dialogue being cut off mid-sentence; Although, I was taught an alternative technique would simply to add a "-" before closing the dialogue. I see that most people are picking up on this point, so I will try to employ other techniques when writing future stories.

As for my paragraphing, I will admit, I rushed my spacing in this particular story. I just added spaces wherever I felt the writing was looking rather clumped, rather than spacing it out into "sections" of storytelling, dialogue and descriptions separate, dialogue spaced out, trying to write each paragraph with roughly four sentences (basic paragraphing skill, that one!) etc.

I'll admit, when I first wrote it, I was just too eager to get it approved, rather than checking for readability. I assumed once it was approved, I could make edits, but it doesn't look like I can, here, so I'll learn to make sure future stories are far more readable.

It's clear now that regardless of my intentions for use of literotica, I'm going to be critiqued no matter what I do or say; which is a shame, because it takes the fun out of it all, but I guess, if I want people to read my stuff, I'm going to have to try and present it all better...

 

[Darkniciad]

Well, I'd say that your best course of action is to take advantage of your delete comment button. Rather than responding to any comment that you don't feel is valuable, just delete it. That way, it isn't there every time you look at your comments making your blood boil

That can also be a discouraging factor for people to comment as well, though. Even someone who had something really nice to say about your story might decide it isn't worth it, fearing that they'll just get deleted or responded to in a way they don't like, etc.

I know all about trying to stick to the rules taking the fun out of writing. I tried it for a while, and it just put me off completely. Now, I give something a shot when someone points out where I'm not following the Chicago Manual of Style, decide how much the point compromises a reader's ability to follow and enjoy the story vs. how much of a pain in the ass it is to do correctly, and write accordingly.

You don't have to respond to every little nit-pick from commenters by delving into the manuals and pulling your hair out until you get it right. If most of the readers get what you're writing the way you're writing it, that's good enough. This is Lit, not Harper/Collins

If your positive comments about the story outweigh the complaints, then you're doing okay. You can work on the complaints, but don't stress on it so much that you don't want to write at all. There's a readership for damn near everything on Lit, even stories with far more issues than what I noticed in yours. Subject matter can trump grammar, depending upon what buttons you push with the readers.

Even a little work on readability can make a big difference on the number of people who read, vote, and comment on your story. Start with a couple of small things, and see whether the benefits of feedback are worth it to you.

There actually is an editing process on Lit. It's a little more involved than it should be, but it does work, and once you've done it a couple of times, it's not all that much of a pain in the posterior.

• Start a new submission
• In "Title" use the same title ( or as much as will fit ) as your original story/chapter + something like *EDIT*
• Select the same category, and fill in other fields ( description, keywords ) with placeholders. They don't matter.
• Paste/upload the new, edited text
• In the "Notes" field, say that this is an edit of an existing submission's story text. It can't hurt to reference the Lit ID# of the story ( the numbers at the end of the url in your browser window when you view the first page of your story ) to avoid any question about what story/chapter you're editing
• Preview and submit as you would a new story/chapter

Approval of edits is subject to the same wait time in the queue as for a new story. I have seen edits go through a lot quicker -- and in bulk -- than new stories quite often, though.

If you decide to edit and anything there doesn't click for you, feel free to ask questions. I'm on the board on a fairly regular basis, and I'm far from the only one who knows the process.

 

[_Lynn_]

First off, I'm not preparing for any nasty comments; if people don't like what I write, and can't give positive, constructive feedback, then they shouldn't respond to it, or even continue reading it. I didn't come here to get myself into arguments with people over technical uses of grammar etc. I came here to write some erotic stories and have a good time doing so. When I ask for feedback, I'm mainly asking for those who like it, to let me know they like it; that's about it. I'm not here to pander to the "perfect" mindset of professional writers.

Sorry, but you really don't have that option with this thread. When you post in the feedback forum, you're going to get a little of everything, from my experience.


I agree with Dark on the overuse of the ellipses. They are very distracting.

Many of your paragraphs contain more than one speaker. Each one should go into a new paragraph as a way of separating them. Often I found myself confused and lost track of the story while I went back to clarify which character spoke last.

There are several errors a good editor should catch for you.

Brushing her hair brunette hair over her head

"Now, now, girls. Calm it down,"

"How big do you think it is?" Rochelle said; as she and her sister were getting dressed, in the morning of a warm spring day in April.

"How big do you think it is?" Rochelle asked as she and her sister were getting dressed one warm April morning.

Often when readers see so many grammar and punctuation errors they click out of the story or give it a low vote. Paying closer attention to the details shows the author cares about their work.

I read the first page of chapter one. The scene with the teacher was a little too far-fetched for me as written. Out of the blue they all have sex?

Most of this part jumps without following a path, in my opinion. A plot takes the reader through the fictional lives of characters. But there should be some sense to what happens. Tossing scenes into the air and writing them in wherever they land gives the piece a chaotic feel. That's how this first page reads to me.