Feedback on my first story please.

[supman]

First time posting a story on Literotica. Was hoping for some feedback.


http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=313464

It's a Dark Angel Fanfiction dealing with Max going into heat. Reluc/MF/Mind Control. The story has received pretty decent reviews so far. (4.40 out of 5)
I'm not sure how popular fanfiction stories are on the forums, but if you were a fan of the show check it out.

I have a pretty low opinion of my own writing, and I know I could improve in a lot of areas. So any reviews, good or bad would be greatly appreciated.

EDIT: Fixed the link

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Your link doesn't work.

 

[supman]

Argh, Fixed it.

 

[_Lynn_]

Thanks for fixing the link.

I did read it all the way through, though I don't enjoy fanfiction personally.

1) Write out your numbers "The girl was a perfect 10.." "The girl was a perfect ten.."
2) Using an editor helps catch typos, grammar and other errors.
3) Describe to us a sound instead...

"Mmmh", "Mhhohgod"

4) You use "she" a lot...mix up your sentences...find another way to tell the same thing

She felt flush, her body burned with desire. She couldn't help the soft moans that were now escaping her lips as the man roughly took her from behind. She could feel herself getting wetter and wetter with every pounding thrust she took.

As an example...

"Her flushed body burned with desire as the man took her from behind. Soft moans escaped parched lips with each thrust he pounded into her now dripping body."

5) Describe this

KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK.....
Obviously whoever it was they weren't going to simply leave

Maybe...."Three loud, impatient knocks on the door told me whoever was there....

As for the story itself...
I didn't find a plot, unless the constant fucking is all it's supposed to be about. That is too repititive.
My opinion only. ML

 

[SpencerAlanMacLeod]

Supman, I’d have to agree with Mistress Lynn on both major points.
Mix up your sentences.
And make your story about something, unless it’s only a sexual encounter.

I also found it difficult to believe that an ordinary guard or a TV policeman would be able to catch the fabled Dark Angel in a vulnerable position. Your bad guys are just not bad enough (in my opinion).

For example;
What would happen to Dark Angel if she were to be captured by a mad genius megalomaniac (and his band of perverted henchmen) intent upon turning her into a sex toy?

That is perhaps, a bit overdone, but it does allow you to justify explaining why guys are doing things to her.

In essence, a classic story of good verses evil would be a struggle by the hero against an obstacle or near equal villain, in order to achieve a great prize of some sort.

On the other hand, a sex scene by itself need not have any of these elements. Simply a telling of what happened and how the participants reacted and felt would be enough. The only problem is they are usually short.

 

[Guest]

I read the first page, but I'm not big on fanfic myself either. The one thing I noticed was him pulling down on the back of her jeans and then she was naked in front of all those men. You need to have the clothes torn off of her or her forced to strip...

Good luck with your writing.

 

[MarshAlien]

The writing is actually not bad at all. If you cleaned it up, and made it more consistent, and added a plot, you could become a very good storyteller.

By cleaning up:

The soft crunching of branches and dead leafs filled the otherwise calm and peaceful morning.

Nice sentence, but a typo like "leafs" sticks out like a sore thumb.

With nimble precision Max sprinted through the the lush green forest barely making a sound as she transversed the dense forest.

Yeah, we got it, she's in the forest. You need to be careful of repetition, but especially in the same sentence. And I think you mean traversed. That might not have shown up on Spellcheck, so you need to proof it yourself very carefully.

She landed with an 'Ummfpt' falling to her ass.

This sentence pretty much destroys the sort of lyrical mood that you've built up until now (which was well done), what with the "Ummfpt" (what is that?) and the somewhat harsh (in this context) word "ass."

The sound of dead branches and leaves crunching under hear weight alerting all in the area to her presence.

This is the same image from your first sentence, with the branches and the leaves, and it’s a sentence fragment, not a sentence. You do that a number of times throughout the story.

I think you show a lot of promise. Come up with your own plot, do some serious editing of your own, get somebody else to edit your work, and you’ll do well.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I have nothing to add from the previous posts. I agree with what they are telling you.

I am not a fan of "fanfic". To me it almost seems like the lazy way of writing a story, using characters that someone else has already created. I think you have talent, why not try to write characters that are your own, I think the end product would be much better.

I would also encourage you to do more editing of your work before submission, and even to find someone else to look at it.

Good luck with your writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Personally, I don't read fanfic. But here is my take. You are telling the story, not showing it. Your writing isn't bad but there are a few quirks.

Hey, don't you fucking."

Don't you... what?? This seems like an incomplete sentence.

From that point on in the dream this devolves into a stroke story. Then she awakens and you have the possibility of redeming this thing, but fell back into pure stroke again

Now the real problem is this nothing but a stroke story, not fan fic. I have no idea who these characters are. They have the same names as the people you have in mind, but they could be anyone. You got so interesting in fucking Max, you forgot to tell me who she is. This is the reason I don't read Fan Fic - it happens all the time. The image of this person in your mind didn't make it to the page.

Next time try something with a story, not stroke and write your characters so that I can identify or indentify with them.

Not a bad story and writing, but could have been done better.

 

[supman]

Thanks for the reviews and tips.

 

[likemags]

i have to confess that you have excellent imagination... but the strycture of the content is not up to the mark.... other ways your story makes gal wet..