Feedback on my first story please.

[Nikkismaster]

I am new to this area and with the prompting of that special someone I wrote a story and submitted it here. I would welcome any comments on my firts endeavor and feel free to vote on my story. Thanks again for taking your time!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=292670

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

The first paragraph or two in a story is the one that makes all the difference between being read and skipped. This one will get skipped for two reasons.

First, the wording is weak and confused. Secondly, there are grammatic errors in the first and second sentence. -

"Captains log HMS Queen Charolette, July the 6th the year of our lord 1815. The ship yards of Deptford have came into view as the rising sun brought a new found cheer to my men."

The first sentence isn't a sentence because it doesn't have a verb. It is actually a sub-heading and should have been set off by itself.

The second sentence has a confused verb - "have came" should be "have come." This makes the sentence past tense. The third sentence is in present tense and the forth in past again. You need to keep this straight.

Also, there should be a comma after the word "view".

Frankly, I'd just throw the entire first paragraph away. There's really no need for it.

You really should find a good editor for your work. You'll find it makes all the difference in the world. The story is good (not my cup of tea) but the wording and grammatic errors will kill it for the reader.

But still a good first story.

 

[DonFox]

The problems with grammar and punctuation do detract from the story. Other areas of concern are the repetition of certain words and phrases ("lovely bride" appears twice in close proximity; "cock" is repeated endlessly throughout) and, as noted, perhaps a bit too much exposition in the first paragraph. When it heats up its definitely worth the read, and I like the attention to period detail, but the little issues mentioned above keep it from being a great piece of historical erotic fiction.