feedback on my first posting..

[grenefire]

hey all

So i posted my first story this week and I would love to hear what people think of it. I plan on writing a whole series of these stories so any feedback would be appreciated so that the other parts are even better.

thanks all!!!!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=362748

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi, grenefire,and welcome.

Sorry but, you really commit a lot of the mistakes first time story writers usually make. First, the start:

My name is Miriam. I'm 5"3, brown eyes and hair, nice legs and 34d breast. I've been told I'm pretty nice on the eyes. This is based on a true story. My true story about how I went from being a good orthodox Jewish girl to the Bi slut I am today.

Always start in the middle of the action, never a detailed and boring description and bio, and never address the reader. Oh, and never say it is a true story - this is a fiction site. Oh, and please, don’t give the ending away. Let us find out the bi-slut stuff much later. If I hadn’t been reading to give you some feedback, I would have clicked out there.

I have no gripe against first person POV, although it’s not easy, but you must keep “I” as the narrator of a story and not the author making asides to the reader. ‘My name is..’ is just about the worst first line you could have.

Several times you say, “Let me tell you, I looked hot/sexy.” Never use the ‘let me tell you’ bit. Narrating would be, “I knew I looked hot’. The reader gets excluded from the action by being talked to.

If you began as Miriam arrived in Israel and let the details of her Jewish upbringing come out slowly as she squares her fun-loving character and growing desires for Aviva with the religious strictures of the seminary you could create more tension.

Also, every aficionado of lesbian fiction goes “Aaaargghh!” when they read the cliché, “I’ve never been with a girl before.” It all becomes too sudden and unbelievable.

Where you really lost my interest was after the first paragraph. Instead of using the tension of a nice Jewish girl going wild, you just wrote a college lesbian stroke story that, while well written, could have been set with any two girls in any college dorm, and has been done many times before.

Having been critical, I think you have a good handle for a plot (a twist on the old ‘Catholic preppy gone bad’) but need to give more tension to the relationship and emotions to make us want to be involved.

Hope this is a help and good luck with part 2.

Elle

 

[drksideofthemoon]

I agree with Elle's comments. We don't care about your height, or your bra size.

Don't start the story with your life, and family history. It's just plain dull. Again, as Elle told you, start in the middle. You can add some of the back story as the plot moves along.

As we oft say here, don't tell us, show us. Let your characters tell the story, and not the narrator. Dialog is your friend.

Good luck, and keep writing.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yeah, Elle pretty much covered it. But I will add two additional comments.

You wrote in your first paragraph

My true story about how I went from being a good orthodox Jewish girl to the Bi slut I am today.

Don't tell me it's a true story. There are lots and lots or stories out there that do that. None of them are true. Your job as writer is to make me believe the story, not tell me the story is real.

The other thing is paragraph length. You start with two paragraphs that are 10 plus screen lines long. Later you insert moree paragraphs that are 9 and 10 lines long. That just kills the eyes. Keep your paragraphs down to six or seven lines max. The easier you make your story to read, the more reads you will get.

 

[Noira]

I agree with Elle's comments. We don't care about your height, or your bra size.

Don't start the story with your life, and family history. It's just plain dull. Again, as Elle told you, start in the middle. You can add some of the back story as the plot moves along.

As we oft say here, don't tell us, show us. Let your characters tell the story, and not the narrator. Dialog is your friend.

Good luck, and keep writing.

Aye, in this case, I have to completely agree with this post. Elle said it all, really. I could pick through more specifically, but I don't think I need to.

Your biggest flaw was the 'show, don't tell' thing. I didn't have to read in detail to decide that. You don't need to tell us her bra size and her height and weight. Rather, what you NEED to do is let the reactions of the characters show these things.

You could describe how her breasts jiggle when she jumps and have her notice that her smaller-built friend doesn't really flop around in gym class or contain a joke about 'yeah, I'm so small I don't need a bra!' if you want to show bra size--rather than telling. Height, same thing. You could have a tall male character duck a little from habit as he goes under a door, or a short male character get harrassed. A short girl could be picked up and swung around by a tall guy and complain that they always do that to her.

Let the characters and situation show off your character. Don't let your narrator say 'Hi, I'm a 5'6 redhead. I have a C-36 and damn, but my temper is HOT!'. Rather, have her start yelling at someone. If her temper doesn't matter to the story, why tell us? I'm just using these as an example.

First person view is GREAT, but remember. When you're thinking about yourself and a situation, you're not going to think 'Oh, I'm 5'2 and I have blond hair!'. You aren't going to say that to someone. You might type it online in a profile, but you're not going to introduce yourself to a person as a 'B-cup with black hair'. Treat your characters and narrators like real people. If you make your situation true to life in how they respond, you'll get better responses from readers.

Easy first time mistakes to make. A lot of regular writers do it too. Work on it and your writing will shine above the rest.

 

[PJ526]

Ummmm


I am telling you this not because I am perfect, but because I recently asked the same questions. Your first two paragraphs are too long. They will scare the reader away. Let's face it. The typical erotica reader is not looking for literary quality. They are looking for a quick jerk to a climax.

Instead of giving hard core specifics (height, bra size), use the appropriate adjectives. Let the conversation say it though. "Ample bosom", "busty", even "heaving breasts" alludes to the size.

As you tell the story, include the past but don't start out with it. Let the characters talk and tell the story.