Feedback on my first, please

[Pequin]

Finally decided to go for it. Anyone willing to give feedback? I would greatly appreciate it.

Thank you!

https://www.literotica.com/s/kalinas-dark-desire

 

[KayceeCharles]

I'm missing something. What was so dark about her desire? Just being a somewhat submissive sub who crave Dom and pain in her sex play?

And what's that bit early on about being tortured? Is that relevant?

There's really not much of a "conflict" in the story. Did Kalina negotiated all this? Was that play session at the conclusion the "big event" they had planned? If so where's the leadup? What's PREVENTING her from getting all this? I'm not sensing internal or external conflict.

Like me, you have a bit of tense shifting problem, as you sometimes flipped back to present tense when most of your writing is in past tense. I think there's also a little editing error. I think you wrote "his thongs" (when it should have been her thongs)

 

[Pequin]

Excellent, thank you!

As far as relevance? It was trying to show she (actually me) did have issues with this in the past. I'm learning how to expand on the past and write about my actual PTSD of being a slave.

I was trying out first person and trying to get a grasp on it.

"His thong..." Was actually meant as his thong for they were bought for him.

I'll have to get a better grasp on tense the next time.

I appreciate your help!!

 

[KayceeCharles]

Hope you're feeling better. Writing something is one way to confront the issue and sort of wish fulfillment.

OTOH, I wish you would write more about your feelings, your hesitancy to commit to another D/s relationship after suffering abuse when another dom pushed you too far. I want to read about your fear, your doubt, your desire fighting in your heart. I want to read out the dryness in your throat, the dryness on your lips, the shortness of your breath, the fear in your gut.

But I also need to read about your growth, your willingness to trust again, your baby steps as you explore the relationship with this new guy, who is not yet your dom, but you're exploring the waters.

So how does the story end? Did you accept him as a dom? Tell us how it ends.

 

[Pequin]

Hope you're feeling better. Writing something is one way to confront the issue and sort of wish fulfillment.

OTOH, I wish you would write more about your feelings, your hesitancy to commit to another D/s relationship after suffering abuse when another dom pushed you too far. I want to read about your fear, your doubt, your desire fighting in your heart. I want to read out the dryness in your throat, the dryness on your lips, the shortness of your breath, the fear in your gut.

But I also need to read about your growth, your willingness to trust again, your baby steps as you explore the relationship with this new guy, who is not yet your dom, but you're exploring the waters.

So how does the story end? Did you accept him as a dom? Tell us how it ends.

This is wonderful!! Thank you so much.

I was going to write a second chapter, but really messed up that title without putting Ch 01 on it. Being new to this, I would love to do that.

I love your feedback. It gives me insight on how to create the next.

 

[KayceeCharles]

Space out your adventures a little. Each chapter obviously need a sex scene, but make sure it's organic to the stuff happening in the chapter.

And tell us about the JOURNEY. If you end with "I accept him as my dom", that's the end of the journey (unless you have more than one dom or had several doms in between, each with their own problems)

Your story here ends with you getting FOYL (fuck of your life) which is pretty rough play, but I couldn't tell if it's the end of your journey or not, and it doesn't sound like it is. Are you sure you want to get that rough just to end the first chapter? As I said before, baby steps. Maybe you just have regular sex, and you had blurted out something like hurt me or use me that revealed your submissive side and you both feel ashamed and you wonder if you drove him away because he stopped. Remember, conflict!

We should END with you getting your FOYL, so to speak, the grand finale, whatever.

But remember, this is YOUR journey. I am not you. Tell us YOUR story.

 

[Pequin]

Nice pointers!

Much appreciated...

FOML...sounds good, well, great right now. I'll take notes

 

[ElectricBlue]

I was going to write a second chapter, but really messed up that title without putting Ch 01 on it. Being new to this, I would love to do that. .

Don't worry, you still can. When you put up Chapter 02, just use the same story title as the first. Laurel (the site editor) will see that it is a second part, and will connect the two parts together, and if you add a third part, just add Ch 03. You can also add a sub-title to each chapter. See my story link for examples.

Tense shift can sometimes work - grammar Nazis will say never do it, but hey, things change. I occasionally find my sex scenes shift into the present tense, especially when first person pov, because it brings a real intimacy. Don't shift each paragraph though, that is clunky and will drive readers nuts.

I should go read your story, it sounds intriguing. Kaycee seems to be saying, dig for the emotion - but if you are writing as therapy and healing, I imagine that could be hard to do.

 

[Pequin]

Don't worry, you still can. When you put up Chapter 02, just use the same story title as the first. Laurel (the site editor) will see that it is a second part, and will connect the two parts together, and if you add a third part, just add Ch 03. You can also add a sub-title to each chapter. See my story link for examples.

Tense shift can sometimes work - grammar Nazis will say never do it, but hey, things change. I occasionally find my sex scenes shift into the present tense, especially when first person pov, because it brings a real intimacy. Don't shift each paragraph though, that is clunky and will drive readers nuts.

I should go read your story, it sounds intriguing. Kaycee seems to be saying, dig for the emotion - but if you are writing as therapy and healing, I imagine that could be hard to do.

I hope you enjoyed it...I say with trepidation, lol!!! Now I have to go read myself to see how poorly I did shift the tense, again!

Very grateful you chimed in about adding the Chapter 02! I was at a loss.

I will go under your profile and check your story links.

Thank you!