Feedback On My Contest Entry

[Vaginalpuppetry]

I didn't quite win the 2016 Holiday Contest but my entry definitely put up a fight. Already have an idea for Valentines but if anyone wants to provide feedback on A Gift Named Holly I'd really appreciate it. I'm not a professional writer, so constructive criticism helps me adapt and learn.

https://www.literotica.com/s/a-gift-named-holly

 

[Bramblethorn]

I liked this story. My only major criticism is that the beginning is a bit slow - after the first page I still didn't have much idea where the story might be going. That risks losing readers. One possibility might've been to open with the scene where he finds the doll, and then flash back as necessary - open with something that hooks in to the main storyline.

This bit:

"Is that your choice though? I don't think I would feel right otherwise, it would be like owning a slave." The idea of having full control over someone made me feel a bit uneasy.

I liked that you explored this - this kind of story can be a bit creepy otherwise.

 

[8letters]

I enjoyed the story. Neat concept. Nice characters. Good ending.

Three criticisms:
1. Slow, misleading start. I thought it might be a brother-sister story from the way you started the story. I didn't know where the story was going. You could have easily started the story at the old time shop
2. I read to page 4 and then skipped to page 9. I went back and read some of the in-between and I don't think I missed anything. Once he accepts Holly and fucks her, the dramatic tension left the story until Holly gotten broken
3. Holly knew too much about sex. This fed into my "I'll skip the next five pages of sex and see if he bags his sister as well" feeling. She seemed to know everything about sexually pleasing Elliot right away. I think it would have been better if Elliot had had to teach her how to kiss, how to give him head, what fucking is, etc. One line really bugged me - "I suppose I don't have to remind you how big you are?" How would she know that Elliot is big? Is he big compared to the guys in porn videos?

 

[Bramblethorn]

I enjoyed the story. Neat concept. Nice characters. Good ending.

Three criticisms:
1. Slow, misleading start. I thought it might be a brother-sister story from the way you started the story.

...yeah, now that you remind me, I also had this issue. Not just with the start, but also when his sister catches him watching brother-sister porn and mentions that she loves that stuff too, it felt like it was going to veer into incest.