Feedback on Latest Story

[clownprince2008]

I'm just requesting feedback on my 3rd story. It's in the romance category, about a little over 11,000 words, and yes, I do think I layed on the cheese factor a bit too much at times. But anyway, here it is.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=457637

Thanks in advance for any feedback.

 

[CWatson]

Okay.

First off, you've got way too many adverbs. They just grate on the nerves. For your next story, do us all a favor and do an editing pass where you run a search for every instance of "ly". Unless you've had the bad luck to write about a character named Beverly or somesuch, it will come up mostly with adverbs. Then delete those adverbs and change the verbs instead.

Second, the tense change at "THREE DAYS AGO" is kind of jarring. If you're moving into the past, why change to present tense? Oh, and then you shift back after three paragraphs... And then back into present at the end of the three-days-ago segment. Uhh, what?

Other than that, no major comments. Some misspellings, some punctuation bobbles, but not enough to detract from the story the way the already-identified issues do. This is fun. I liked it.