I'm interested in reactions or feedback to Vanillaicecream's "Her Gift." I have to say my interest is partly literary and partly personal, since I'm the guy in the (fictional) story. But I am also interested in the genre, and, more generally, in the place where people locate a story like this -- we had difficulty deciding on the category!
Feedback on "Her Gift"?
- Thread starter blues2000
- Start date
Jenny_Jackson
Psycho Bitch
- Joined
- Jul 8, 2006
- Posts
- 10,872
First of all the story is --> http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=447217 It's alway better to post the link rather than have us hunt for the fucker.
Second, look at how the story looks on the screen.
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l27/Jenny_Jackson/ScreenShot424.jpg
The term for this was coined by Cloudy. "WALL OF WORDS" The paragraphs are too long which makes this hard to read on a computer monitor. Paragraphs should be held to 8 to 10 screen lines. In a printed book longer paragraphs are okay, but stay away from there here.
Third, Three of your first four paragraphs beging with "I". I don't care or empathise with "I". Who is "I"? Does "I" have a name? Is "I" married? Have kids? Go to college? Live in a retirement home? At this point I have no idea and really am not interested in knowing.
The author spent ten dreary paragraphs of discription until finally in the eleventh it reads -
"No," I repeat.
I finally got through the first page - entirely uninteresting discription - and gave up.
I have no idea where this story belongs. But please don't bring it back to us.
Second, look at how the story looks on the screen.
http://i92.photobucket.com/albums/l27/Jenny_Jackson/ScreenShot424.jpg
The term for this was coined by Cloudy. "WALL OF WORDS" The paragraphs are too long which makes this hard to read on a computer monitor. Paragraphs should be held to 8 to 10 screen lines. In a printed book longer paragraphs are okay, but stay away from there here.
Third, Three of your first four paragraphs beging with "I". I don't care or empathise with "I". Who is "I"? Does "I" have a name? Is "I" married? Have kids? Go to college? Live in a retirement home? At this point I have no idea and really am not interested in knowing.
The author spent ten dreary paragraphs of discription until finally in the eleventh it reads -
This is grammaticly just wrong. The author finally lets the character say something and it's done in discription. The line should read -
"No," I repeat.
I finally got through the first page - entirely uninteresting discription - and gave up.
I have no idea where this story belongs. But please don't bring it back to us.
Trudy_Antone
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Jun 13, 2009
- Posts
- 278
I found it hard to connect with any of the characters. There was too much hokey pokey - I put my right hand there, I put my left leg there... I don't mean to be harsh, I like the premise, but I was bored by the execution. However, I am no great writer and there are plenty others out there who will enjoy it.
cygnedautrefois
Experienced
- Joined
- Sep 8, 2009
- Posts
- 61
These criticisms are far too harsh. The author is making an attempt to avoid cliches and present things with some kind of rhythm and style.
Paragraphs cannot be too long. They can be poorly organized or well-organized.
Given the nature of our existence, I don't think the author overuses the word "I". That's a very strange criticism of a peace written in the first-person singular.
I think I will read the story in full.
Paragraphs cannot be too long. They can be poorly organized or well-organized.
Given the nature of our existence, I don't think the author overuses the word "I". That's a very strange criticism of a peace written in the first-person singular.
I think I will read the story in full.
SinsiousSiren
Experienced
- Joined
- Nov 5, 2007
- Posts
- 83
Jenny must have been...
on the rag when she posted this critique.
So the author didn't do as YOU Pleased, get over it.
There is only so much trashing one critic can do... I think you went overboard. Kind of like Jeffery on Iron Chef... way too much!
Yeah, the story is a bit hard to read, but overall, I find it a good attempt to tell a story with out all of the "lovie dovie", "oh honey, suck my..." etc. overtures and constant repetition as so many other stories have here.
Perhaps if you have a hard time reading the words, you should adjust your monitor accordingly, or get a bigger monitor.
Good job to the author and their subject.
on the rag when she posted this critique.
So the author didn't do as YOU Pleased, get over it.
There is only so much trashing one critic can do... I think you went overboard. Kind of like Jeffery on Iron Chef... way too much!
Yeah, the story is a bit hard to read, but overall, I find it a good attempt to tell a story with out all of the "lovie dovie", "oh honey, suck my..." etc. overtures and constant repetition as so many other stories have here.
Perhaps if you have a hard time reading the words, you should adjust your monitor accordingly, or get a bigger monitor.
Good job to the author and their subject.
M
mia_erotica
Guest
I agree w/ Jenny. Paragraphs too long, no dialogue, just two people about to fuck. There's nothing here that would make me want to connect to the characters. Your first paragraph description of the scene was very well written. The way the rest of the story is written leaves the reader out of it.foldedpaper
Experienced
- Joined
- Dec 8, 2009
- Posts
- 63
Hi there,
I was led to this story by a fellow Literotician, who also asked my opinion on both the story and the feedback it received.
The plot and underlying ideas are really good - it is an interesting setup and, rather like Blues2000, I have enjoyed similar fantasies. It was therefore interesting to see someone else fulfilling them in some respects, if not all.
The gay scenes are written well enough, although the third person in your triangle is a bit nebulous - I really have no idea who he is, but that may be the way you want it to read. I'm not one to tell you how to write what is YOUR story.
The straight sex at the end is great - I really enjoyed reading it, it turned me on and gave me some ideas - what could be better?
As to the style... I did find some of the paragraphs a bit long, and admit to skim reading bits of the story, but this is a style thing - if you like long paragraphs, keep writing them.
Certainly keep writing - the only way to learn is to try. I am still in the early stages of writing on this site, so I am learning. I hope I can help to encourage other newbies on here. There is (somewhere on this site) a really good guide to writing dialogue if this is something you find a challenge. God know, I make a lot of mistakes with mine, still, and struggle with the absolutely correct forms and rules.
Don't take the heavy handed bullying of some of the self appointed (I assume?) quality control police on here too seriously - I find it better to rely on the feedback of readers and the more balanced members of the Lit. community!
foldedpaper
I was led to this story by a fellow Literotician, who also asked my opinion on both the story and the feedback it received.
The plot and underlying ideas are really good - it is an interesting setup and, rather like Blues2000, I have enjoyed similar fantasies. It was therefore interesting to see someone else fulfilling them in some respects, if not all.
The gay scenes are written well enough, although the third person in your triangle is a bit nebulous - I really have no idea who he is, but that may be the way you want it to read. I'm not one to tell you how to write what is YOUR story.
The straight sex at the end is great - I really enjoyed reading it, it turned me on and gave me some ideas - what could be better?
As to the style... I did find some of the paragraphs a bit long, and admit to skim reading bits of the story, but this is a style thing - if you like long paragraphs, keep writing them.
Certainly keep writing - the only way to learn is to try. I am still in the early stages of writing on this site, so I am learning. I hope I can help to encourage other newbies on here. There is (somewhere on this site) a really good guide to writing dialogue if this is something you find a challenge. God know, I make a lot of mistakes with mine, still, and struggle with the absolutely correct forms and rules.
Don't take the heavy handed bullying of some of the self appointed (I assume?) quality control police on here too seriously - I find it better to rely on the feedback of readers and the more balanced members of the Lit. community!
foldedpaper
_Lynn_
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Dec 12, 2006
- Posts
- 49,526
Ember_on_ice
Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 19, 2012
- Posts
- 259
Worth the wait
[this is what I posted in the comments area for this story]
I was put off at the start because of the uncertainty created by the style. I didn't know if the narrator was male or female, or any of the backstory, so I had a hard time maintaining my interest in the story. However, you cleared that up nicely within the first few paragraphs, and once the couple were in the car heading away from the station, I was hooked.
The slow pacing and careful level of detail suits the emotional content and helps convey the feeling that this is not just a "wham-bam" situation - it's a precious gift that you have lovingly arranged for someone you care about, even if your relationship with him may be temporary or one-dimensional, as indicated by your thoughts of his morning departure.
I liked how you focused mostly on what each person was doing and feeling, rather than going into detail about their physical appearance - what people do is always hotter than how they look!
[this is what I posted in the comments area for this story]
I was put off at the start because of the uncertainty created by the style. I didn't know if the narrator was male or female, or any of the backstory, so I had a hard time maintaining my interest in the story. However, you cleared that up nicely within the first few paragraphs, and once the couple were in the car heading away from the station, I was hooked.
The slow pacing and careful level of detail suits the emotional content and helps convey the feeling that this is not just a "wham-bam" situation - it's a precious gift that you have lovingly arranged for someone you care about, even if your relationship with him may be temporary or one-dimensional, as indicated by your thoughts of his morning departure.
I liked how you focused mostly on what each person was doing and feeling, rather than going into detail about their physical appearance - what people do is always hotter than how they look!
