Feedback on First Story

[greysequoia]

Ugh, for some reason I'm horribly nervous about posting this!

This is my first attempt at writing erotica and I'm hoping that some of the reviewers on here can give me some tips and pointers as I seem to have run into a bit of a wall with the story. Chapters 1-11 are posted with 2 more pending (don't worry, they're all very short chapters!) and I can't seem to get any further.

The story is called "Why Me?" and the first chapter is here: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=492530. As fair warning it is very firmly in the NonConsent/Reluctance category. I've had some feedback and while it's been mostly positive (which I love!) I'd also love some constructive negative feedback regarding what didn't work about the narrative. I'm hoping for a nudge in a direction that might get this story rolling again, so fire away!

Thanks in advance.

 

[Hotcappucino]

How do you want the series to end? It's hard to keep writing when you don't have a final destination in mind. Does she get away from her captors? Does she eventually give in and become a willing sex slave? Does she end up becoming an active participant in abusing other captives? Right now, the story seems to be a series of sex scenes which ramble along without any focus. Pick an ending and work towards it. In fact, it might help to write the very last line of the series and work towards that.

I would also think about character development. We know nothing about the main character, other than she's an office worker. We don't know how old she is or anything about her background other than she has a cat, reads mysteries, and drinks mint tea, so it's hard for the reader to gauge if she is acting in a realistic manner. I personally would not have had her enjoying the experience in the first chapter, in fact, maybe not for several chapters. I don't think many captives would react that way, and, IMO, it would have been better to show some sort of transformation along the way.

Likewise, I would like to see some character development of at least one of the captors instead of them being all nameless/faceless characters.

Lastly, I would consider changing the point of view from first person to multiple third person, alternating chapters between the woman's POV and one of the captors that you pick to be the main (though not necessarily the lead) one.

Good luck.

 

[SweetOblivion]

At the moment it's more of a snippet than a story;

...but I'm sure that with eleven chapters lined up you'll correct that defect. Fifteen or so paragraphs does not make a chapter.

I liked the introduction and the tension in the first couple of paragraphs, but it does become more than a little predictable once your protagonist is cornered and captured. As such, if it continues along the same lines it will not stand out from a thousand other stories written in the same vein.

Perhaps you need to dare to be different by having her overpower her captors in all sorts of interesting ways that amount to "freedon" of a different kind.

The language is good, but breaking your paragraphs up a little might be good for readability.

Sweet O.