Feedback on first story...

[Guyanonymous]

Hello,

This is my first story written for the site, and I was hoping for some feedback about it...anyone?

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=59285

Thanks very much,

guyanonymous

 

[the_bragis]

Feedback

Hi guyanonymous,

What a hot little story this one is! The idea was very erotic and something many people would fantasize about, or if they didn't before, they sure will now. Damn it, I wish I had thought this idea for a story myself.

This is what I noted as I read it:

I'm a little Aussie, and I know many words are spelt differently here, but I noted a couple that didn't look quite right. New and feint, knew and faint.

I don't believe periods should be used before a sentence. Put it this way, it looks odd to me. Actually, I think perhaps you used periods just too much, but that's just my opinion... and while on the subject, always use two spaces after them.

Many people don't like this first and second person style of story, you may be better off using the third person next time. No matter how good your story is, many readers will give it the flick immediately they see it's written in the first or second person.

The scene with the women talking about your cock and touching you while you were blindfolded... Woh! Red hot stuff!

I felt like a science exhibit, with someone pointing out all the important details of anatomy….not knowing what was next.

I enjoy lines like this. They make me smile.

Andrea was a nice little inclusion, and a nice contrast to Nancy. I especially enoyed her little 'mistake' when tasting you. That was a classic!

You gave your story a nice little tease ending too, I always enjoy that.

Overall I thought this was a good little read.

I wish you well with your story writing in the future.

Have a great day now,

Alex (fem)

Please read our stories

 

[Guyanonymous]

thanks for the feedback!

Thanks very much for the quick and positive feedback.

knew knew knew knew knew!

I admit that I didn't even proofread the story myself...a bad habit...but I will in the future...

I enjoyed writing it, and will probably write more in the future.

Thank you again for the positive constructive comments.

I also received an email response with comments, and thank you for those kind soul.

I look forward to more constructive help!

Guyanonymous

 

[Guyanonymous]

Any more suggestions? Requests for future subjects?

Any more suggestions/comments?

Perhaps suggestions/ideas for future stories if you want more?

Guyanonymous

 

[ehlanna]

I LOVED it!

What I wouldn't give to have a guy do this for me! *gave me some ideas of my own too*

The spelling mistakes have already been pointed out. The elipses (...) shouldn't be used so much. Usinging them to show that you aren't hearing all is ok but for example in this line.

And again I felt hands…this time, not yours, on my body…on my penis...my cock.

This may look better something closer to this (mind you I ain't no grammar expert LOL) "Again I felt hands, but this time they weren't yours. They touched my body constantly though seemed to always come back to my cock."

Trust me I understand how easy it is to use ... I do it all the time especially after chatting online for such a long time. There is a great article that will help you if you want everything guide

 

[drsalt]

alternative

A better alternative (my opinion, of course) is to use hyphens :
"I felt hands -- this time not yours -- on my body..."

To me that illustrates a better 'aside' than the ellipses.