Feedback on First Story (Nylon Fetish)

[Nylonian]

Go easy on me, friends. This is my first story and I am trying to fill a gap with some interesting scenarios involving nylons that haven't really been explored in too much depth before. I am not trying to write novellas (although I do have an idea that I want to tackle once I get a bit more experience). So far so good, good ratings but I've only received two anonymous comments. No haters so I guess I am doing the right thing so far. Thanks in advance for reading. Any feedback is immensely appreciated as I am working on my second short story at the moment. Without further ado, I present 'Restocking The Minibar'. Pun intended. Hope you'll enjoy:

https://www.literotica.com/s/restocking-the-minibar

 

[TheRedChamber]

Since no-one else has, I'll have a go at critiquing this. I've only just started writing myself so take everything with a grain of salt - this may be a better exercise for me than it will be for you. I don't have the particular fetish this is aimed at, but I'm always interested in reading stories that are a bit different.

So first the postiives. The story is a nice length and I think does a good job of covering a sexy situation without falling into the trap of 'and then they did it a different way'. You generally do a good job of giving an impression of a luxury hotel and cultured guests. It's easy to read and rattles a long at a good pace.

Next, the issues. Note this is always longer ends up as longer than the positives even when I've enjoyed the story.

1) The characters are a little vague. It isn't a huge problem, especially in a one-page story, to have a main character who is an blank-slate for the reader to superimpose themselves on, or to have a woman whose job is to fulfill completely the particular fantasy set out for the story. However, I read the story a few times and I became a little confused by some of the details. For example, with Tom we are not given an age, profession, marital status or nationality. It says he's on vacation in London, but it's not clear if he's been here before and doesn't react to anything like a newly arrived tourist. It also says he drives a Porche (his Porche), is this a rental? The story says he made the trip in record time, but also that he's not been to the hotel before. Is the record time implying he's the type of guy to go speeding through central London? The first time reading the story I had an idea of him being a James Bond, international man of mystery, type, but I'm not sure if that was the intention.

2) Similarly with Evelyn we don't get a lot of explanation for her actions, which is fine as she's not the main POV character. However, I found her dialogue didn't quite match what I was expecting (and stress these are my expectations) she starts off a little too chatty for someone working at an expensive exclusive British hotel and kind of remains that way (for example, it would be highly insulting to suggest to someone that they might be drinking whisky in the morning, she'd express that far more carefully). Her dialogue seems to border on a domanatrix style sometimes, but then she'll be complete different in other sections (for example yelling 'success' when getting his underpants off).

3) The whole story is told from Tom's perspective, but there's just one paragraph ('Eve swiftly grabbed the bottles...') where we follow Eve out of Tom's sight which is a little disorientating for the reader we should see it from Tom's perspective ("Eve left the room. A moment later she was back with new bottles...") There also a little niggle where we are told Evelynns name before Tom know it, then the story has him look at her name badge to find it out. It's less confusing if she's just refered to as the conciege in the first paragraph and then we learn her name at the same time as he does.

4) There is a lot of names we don't really need as they barely figure in the story (James the doorman, Danielle the other conciege, Jess the friend). Naming them makes it sound like they are going to be important later and makes it sound more complicated than it needs to be. Unless it a trait of Tom that he makes a point to know everyone's names.

5) I thought the section with Tom drinking to excess alone in his hotel room was a bit strange. Does he have an alcohol problem? This doesn't really match with how his character is portrayed in the rest of the story and seems like it would make him less attractive to Eve, whatever her reasons for hooking up with him are. There's also a couple of paragraphs where he goes down to the restaurant to eat which don't seem to have a lot of point except for him to tell another character who doesn't appear again that he drank too much. I'd suggest either having another mini-encounter with Evelyn or else just have him stay in his hotel room, which is where he needs to be for the next part anyway. It's established that he's jet-lagged so I think I would be reasonable to say that he doesn't need to eat (because you always eat on the plane at different times anyway) and have him fall asleep because he's in a different time-zone. Evelyn's coming up with a pillow anyway, and can just as easily restock Perrier water.

6) Even if we accept as Evelyn as a 'magic fantasy fulfilling woman' type, I thought it was a little unbelievable that she would pick up on his fetish so quickly. Most women who catch you looking at their legs are going to assume you're looking at their legs. At the least, I would have had the line 'So is it my legs or my tights?' before she explains that they're Wolfords. It also seemed a little unbelievable that she would have another pair of the same tights with her (unless I'm missing something). I would have Tom mention something about tights earlier in the story (Sorry I couldn't help noticing your tights. Is there someone nearby where I can buy a similar pair?) that would clue her into his fetish.

7) Again, nitpicking for the final paragraph. It seems a little short to conclude on what is presumably a whole new day. He may have had a fantastic time, but it seesm a bit weird to suddenly call up and start with those words (I'm also worried that it's morning in the UK and so about 2-4am in the States, but I'm not sure where Jess is supposed to be). Maybe text him the message instead? Also why is he waiting for a ride, doesn't he have his own Porche?

Anyway those are my thoughts. I hope they're helpful. Mostly they are fairly nitpicky and the result of looking at it very carefully. I didn't really spot most of this stuff on the first pass.

 

[Nylonian]

Since no-one else has, I'll have a go at critiquing this. I've only just started writing myself so take everything with a grain of salt - this may be a better exercise for me than it will be for you. I don't have the particular fetish this is aimed at, but I'm always interested in reading stories that are a bit different.

So first the postiives. The story is a nice length and I think does a good job of covering a sexy situation without falling into the trap of 'and then they did it a different way'. You generally do a good job of giving an impression of a luxury hotel and cultured guests. It's easy to read and rattles a long at a good pace.

Next, the issues. Note this is always longer ends up as longer than the positives even when I've enjoyed the story.

1) The characters are a little vague. It isn't a huge problem, especially in a one-page story, to have a main character who is an blank-slate for the reader to superimpose themselves on, or to have a woman whose job is to fulfill completely the particular fantasy set out for the story. However, I read the story a few times and I became a little confused by some of the details. For example, with Tom we are not given an age, profession, marital status or nationality. It says he's on vacation in London, but it's not clear if he's been here before and doesn't react to anything like a newly arrived tourist. It also says he drives a Porche (his Porche), is this a rental? The story says he made the trip in record time, but also that he's not been to the hotel before. Is the record time implying he's the type of guy to go speeding through central London? The first time reading the story I had an idea of him being a James Bond, international man of mystery, type, but I'm not sure if that was the intention.

2) Similarly with Evelyn we don't get a lot of explanation for her actions, which is fine as she's not the main POV character. However, I found her dialogue didn't quite match what I was expecting (and stress these are my expectations) she starts off a little too chatty for someone working at an expensive exclusive British hotel and kind of remains that way (for example, it would be highly insulting to suggest to someone that they might be drinking whisky in the morning, she'd express that far more carefully). Her dialogue seems to border on a domanatrix style sometimes, but then she'll be complete different in other sections (for example yelling 'success' when getting his underpants off).

3) The whole story is told from Tom's perspective, but there's just one paragraph ('Eve swiftly grabbed the bottles...') where we follow Eve out of Tom's sight which is a little disorientating for the reader we should see it from Tom's perspective ("Eve left the room. A moment later she was back with new bottles...") There also a little niggle where we are told Evelynns name before Tom know it, then the story has him look at her name badge to find it out. It's less confusing if she's just refered to as the conciege in the first paragraph and then we learn her name at the same time as he does.

4) There is a lot of names we don't really need as they barely figure in the story (James the doorman, Danielle the other conciege, Jess the friend). Naming them makes it sound like they are going to be important later and makes it sound more complicated than it needs to be. Unless it a trait of Tom that he makes a point to know everyone's names.

5) I thought the section with Tom drinking to excess alone in his hotel room was a bit strange. Does he have an alcohol problem? This doesn't really match with how his character is portrayed in the rest of the story and seems like it would make him less attractive to Eve, whatever her reasons for hooking up with him are. There's also a couple of paragraphs where he goes down to the restaurant to eat which don't seem to have a lot of point except for him to tell another character who doesn't appear again that he drank too much. I'd suggest either having another mini-encounter with Evelyn or else just have him stay in his hotel room, which is where he needs to be for the next part anyway. It's established that he's jet-lagged so I think I would be reasonable to say that he doesn't need to eat (because you always eat on the plane at different times anyway) and have him fall asleep because he's in a different time-zone. Evelyn's coming up with a pillow anyway, and can just as easily restock Perrier water.

6) Even if we accept as Evelyn as a 'magic fantasy fulfilling woman' type, I thought it was a little unbelievable that she would pick up on his fetish so quickly. Most women who catch you looking at their legs are going to assume you're looking at their legs. At the least, I would have had the line 'So is it my legs or my tights?' before she explains that they're Wolfords. It also seemed a little unbelievable that she would have another pair of the same tights with her (unless I'm missing something). I would have Tom mention something about tights earlier in the story (Sorry I couldn't help noticing your tights. Is there someone nearby where I can buy a similar pair?) that would clue her into his fetish.

7) Again, nitpicking for the final paragraph. It seems a little short to conclude on what is presumably a whole new day. He may have had a fantastic time, but it seesm a bit weird to suddenly call up and start with those words (I'm also worried that it's morning in the UK and so about 2-4am in the States, but I'm not sure where Jess is supposed to be). Maybe text him the message instead? Also why is he waiting for a ride, doesn't he have his own Porche?

Anyway those are my thoughts. I hope they're helpful. Mostly they are fairly nitpicky and the result of looking at it very carefully. I didn't really spot most of this stuff on the first pass.

Hi TheRedChamber! Thanks for taking the time to write up this extensive review and provide some very insightful feedback that will definitely help improve my next story. I'd like to address each of your points and hopefully provide some perspective to why I wrote the story the way I did and explain the motive behind obscuring certain details etc. Of course, a lot of the points you made were definitely things I overlooked (alas this was easy to do as it was my first story).

1. Characterisation is definitely something I should probably work on. I didn't want to be too verbose in describing Tom but I probably should have mentioned why he was travelling to London in the first place and past experiences he's had in London. He's definitely one to travel a lot and seek out interesting destinations and I really should have done a better job of fleshing that out.

2. Evelyn is meant to be kind of a mystery character and we don't really get to understand her intent with the subtle "domming" of Tom and her playful nature. That part was intentional but I should have at least fleshed out her mischief and her understanding of Tom's fetish (since I am kinda hinting at the fact that she knows nylons and may have a thing for them as well).

3. Agreed, that bit could have been finessed a lot better and her introduction was verbose and a bit wordy and awkward. That jarring transition was actually intentional where we shift from focusing the "camera" at Tom and then at Evelyn. I was trying to build a bit of tension with that moment.

4. Agreed, a lot of the names were unnecessary and this is something that I am dumping in the current story that I am writing to neglect the unnecessary details so we get a lot better flow and continuation.

5. This is something that I've done myself as well. Drinking to excess and indulging a bit too heavily with a free minibar so I think this part's okay and believable enough.

6. Regarding this point. Like I said, if I fleshed out Eve's understanding of the fetish and her affinity for nylons a bit more and hinted at that in the beginning from her perspective, that would have probably helped to sell the story. It's also not that unusual she'd keep a spare pair in case she or one of her friends gets a run.

7. I probably should have cut the final scene but felt that Tom should have had some sort of cheeky moment where he was reflecting on the previous day's event. But this is a good point as well.

Thanks again for your incredibly helpful feedback and for reading my story.

 

[TheRedChamber]

Hi Nylonian,

Happy to help and as I say, it's helpful for my own wring to look at someone elses in detail. A couple of quick clarificatons.

1) Definitely don't do an infodump on Tom at the beginning of the story, I hate having paragraphs and paragraphs of the main characters life story before things start. You just need a few more hints about his background throught the story and make sure things are consistent for the mental image the reader is building up.

3) I was looking at the 'jarring transition' again. I'm not sure about how this builds tension? If I wanted to do that, I'd probably have a pause where she goes out of the room and he describes his thoughts of her and considers if/how to make a move.

5)

He headed straight for the minibar to grab some ice, and casually threw a handful of cubes into the nearest tumbler and poured himself a drink from the complimentary selection. "Lagavulin 16, my they really shouldn't have!"

The thought of over-indulging never really occurred to Tom but after a quick shower and shave, he gravitated back towards the bar and made himself a couple more drinks. "Why not indeed, I am on vacation after all." Before he knew it, the geometric carpet was spinning before his eyes and had blurred into a kaleidoscopic mess. With a thump, he collapsed like a wounded beast on his king bed...

Reading this again, I think the issue is that you're thinking of it as being an ordinary 'had a few drinks and dozed off' whereas the writing seems a bit more dramatic 'kaleidoscopic mess","wounded beast" and makes it seem like a big deal to the reader. Tom's mostly portrayed as a whisky afficationardo, but here he seems to maybe be knocking them back quickly 'made himself a couple more', 'before he knew' it. There's not really a sense of time or what he's doing during the drinking. Depending on the impression I wanted to give, I'd probably write something like:

He checked to see what was in the mini-bar. He was originally just going to grab a minteral water, but he saw it was fully stocked with wide range of complementary alcholol. Lagavulin 16, my they shoudn't have, he thought. He grabbed some ice, and casually threw a handful of cubes into the nearest tumbler and poured himself a drink. He savored the taste, then went for a much needed shower and shave.

He had theatre tickets for seven, but it was still early. The whiskey had been good, his favourite, so he poured himself another glass while he looked at a tourist guide the hotel had thoughtfully provided. After the long flight and madness at the airport, he was just enjoying some peace and quiet and found himself pouring another glass without really meaning to. Three shots of whisky wouldn't normally be overinduldging, but the combination of jet-lag and alcohol suddently hit him hard. He went for a brief lie down on the bed and in minutes was snoring.

Alternatively.

The first thing he did was go straight to the mini-bar. Langavulin 16, thank God and free as well! He'd had some of the cheap stuff on the plane, but you couldn't taste anything at thirty-thousand feet. He poured himself a shot and knocked it back. He thought about having a shower and a shave, he really needed one, but decided that having another shot wouldn't hurt. That quickly became three. It was only when the geometric shapes on the carpet started spinning that he realized he had overindulged again and he collapsed like a wounded beast on the bed.

 

[Nylonian]

Hi Nylonian,

Happy to help and as I say, it's helpful for my own wring to look at someone elses in detail. A couple of quick clarificatons.

1) Definitely don't do an infodump on Tom at the beginning of the story, I hate having paragraphs and paragraphs of the main characters life story before things start. You just need a few more hints about his background throught the story and make sure things are consistent for the mental image the reader is building up.

3) I was looking at the 'jarring transition' again. I'm not sure about how this builds tension? If I wanted to do that, I'd probably have a pause where she goes out of the room and he describes his thoughts of her and considers if/how to make a move.

5)

Reading this again, I think the issue is that you're thinking of it as being an ordinary 'had a few drinks and dozed off' whereas the writing seems a bit more dramatic 'kaleidoscopic mess","wounded beast" and makes it seem like a big deal to the reader. Tom's mostly portrayed as a whisky afficationardo, but here he seems to maybe be knocking them back quickly 'made himself a couple more', 'before he knew' it. There's not really a sense of time or what he's doing during the drinking. Depending on the impression I wanted to give, I'd probably write something like:



Alternatively.

Haha. I wasn't gonna do an infodump, that would be the most boring thing. I've read stories that have had full character resumes and that's the quickest way to get me to click off.

I guess I was going for something a bit more dramatic and got carried away. I think I probably could have been a bit more subtle with the whole "wounded beast" description. LOL!