Feedback on first stories
- Thread starter Jerry5
- Start date
I have never done links before either.
Do you mean: www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100113 and http://http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100492
Do you mean: www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100113 and http://http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=100492
Hotcappucino
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- May 5, 2003
- Posts
- 655
Jerry:
Very good for your first effort, with just a few minor problems.
You seem to be mixing first and third person perspectives within Chapter 01. You start the story off in the first person, but a few paragraphs later, when Susan goes down to the doctor's office, it reads more like a third person perspective. What's confusing about these changes in perspective is the detailed description of the doctor's office (and what goes on there), even though "I" (Susan's husband) isn't there to witness it. You can easily change the entire story to third person without any negative impact. The first person perspective in Chapter 02, on the other hand, reads fine since Susan's husband is actually part of what's going on. I would suggest changing both Chapters to third person.
There are a few mistakes in punctuation and the fifth paragraph in Chapter 01 is too long (break it down into at least three separate paragraphs). There wasn't anything consistent with any of your errors (besides a problem punctuating dialog), so I'll assume that they were just minor oversights.
When you punctuate dialog, you need to separate the quoted elements from the non-quoted ones with a comma (unless you're using an exclamation or question mark):
"God, I love women who wear stockings," he said ...
"Oh, I haven't been yet," she said.
"I am getting dressed to go to the doctor's," she said ..."
"Oh, yes it's wonderful," I replied.
Very good for your first effort, with just a few minor problems.
You seem to be mixing first and third person perspectives within Chapter 01. You start the story off in the first person, but a few paragraphs later, when Susan goes down to the doctor's office, it reads more like a third person perspective. What's confusing about these changes in perspective is the detailed description of the doctor's office (and what goes on there), even though "I" (Susan's husband) isn't there to witness it. You can easily change the entire story to third person without any negative impact. The first person perspective in Chapter 02, on the other hand, reads fine since Susan's husband is actually part of what's going on. I would suggest changing both Chapters to third person.
There are a few mistakes in punctuation and the fifth paragraph in Chapter 01 is too long (break it down into at least three separate paragraphs). There wasn't anything consistent with any of your errors (besides a problem punctuating dialog), so I'll assume that they were just minor oversights.
When you punctuate dialog, you need to separate the quoted elements from the non-quoted ones with a comma (unless you're using an exclamation or question mark):
Should be:
"God, I love women who wear stockings," he said ...
"Oh, I haven't been yet," she said.
"I am getting dressed to go to the doctor's," she said ..."
"Oh, yes it's wonderful," I replied.
Similar threads
