Feedback on first person present tense story

[A_Little_Show]

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[i_would]

My story, http://www.literotica.com/s/wanting-impresario, has a reasonable score but has received no feedback/comments. I'm curious because I attempted first person present tense for the first time. I want opinions about how well it worked.

The story is also my attempt to study the relationship dynamics of an Alpha male with and Alpha female and the role of a competent Beta male. I probably don't even know what those characterizations mean or if they exist in reality… Let me know what you think.

Besides quite some grammar issues (wrong words, an article missing) I'm maybe ten paragraphs in and already totally confused with what's going on. Thoughts about the past and what happens now intermingle in a way that's impossible to distinguish, especially as thoughts about past events are written in the present tense as if they happen now.

So the story is a pass for me. Not going to continue reading.

 

[LadyVer]

My story, http://www.literotica.com/s/wanting-impresario, has a reasonable score but has received no feedback/comments. I'm curious because I attempted first person present tense for the first time. I want opinions about how well it worked.

The story is also my attempt to study the relationship dynamics of an Alpha male with and Alpha female and the role of a competent Beta male. I probably don't even know what those characterizations mean or if they exist in reality… Let me know what you think.

I'm reading your story now. I find it interesting and different. Very descriptive in an unusual way. I also keep wanting to laugh. I haven't figured out yet if your writing style means for the character to be humorous, or if it's just me. But the story definitely has my attention.


PS I finished reading the story. Overall, I like the story. Like I said, it was different, and the writing is good. It had a few mechanical errors, but the story held my attention and kept me amused.

The characters are all slightly nutty or unusual, but it's on the carny circuit, so to me it was believable. I really loved the way you described the main character's high wire audition.

At first the present tense was a little jarring but it didn't take long to adjust to it, and it actually made the story interesting. I've edited one story where the story was written in present tense. At first, I was going to tell the author he needed to change the tense, but then I thought about it and realized that with the storyline and the author's style it worked. For me, it works for your story too.

I think there is another issue though that could be seen as more of a problem to most Lit readers. Although you delivered on the challenge of writing a story on Alpha men--which you mentioned in your story intro--you didn't have any tangible sex scenes the reader could get into. You mainly mentioned sex scenes. The reader wasn't given the chance to get into a sex scene vicariously. Stating the obvious, this is an erotica site.. and the story was in the Exhibitionist & Voyeur category.

Anyway, I'm glad I read your story, and I voted it a 5.

 

[sr71plt]

I read into it a few paragraphs and the first person present was slightly annoying and belabored.

 

[PennLady]

I read some, and I have to admit that as a general rule, I don't like first-person present tense. This doesn't mean I won't read it, or don't think it can't be well done, such as The Hunger Games, but it's just not something I like.

That said, I didn't care for the story but I'm not sure the POV and tense really figured in. Plus, you did a section in past tense and I found myself wondering why you didn't just do the whole thing in past tense.

Something about the story in general didn't appeal to me, so I didn't finish it, but it's hard to put my finger on it.

 

[A_Little_Show]

Thank you

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[elfin_odalisque]

I go with Penn. I find present tense inappropriate unless you have a reason for it. First person with present tense? You're asking a lot of the readers.

Your story is not really erotica (I don't mean stroke). Think you are trying to be too cerebral for Lit.

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]

 

[A_Little_Show]

[deleted]