Feedback on First (First-Person) Story

[Rumple Foreskin]

Greetings,

After eight third-person assaults on good taste, I've now spread my ineptitude into the world of first-person story-telling.

Nurse Nailed (interracial love) can be found at: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=80649

While all comments, whether brickbats or bouquets, will be gratefully received, I'd really appreciate any thoughts on the first-person aspects of this story.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[gauchecritic]

Hi again Rumple

So far so brilliant. The difference in stories is quite remarkable. Leroy is so much more vital and imagineable because of writing with his 'voice'. I've noticed a few typos so far, and a disconcerting lapse of character by choice of words.

I haven't managed to read the second page yet but I will and then give you a proper (gauche)critique.

Gauche

 

[hiddenself]

RF, were you trying to produce a "black" story? If so, I think it was a failure. But then, I'm white, so we need someone who has those racial and cultural experiences to be the judge.

A pre-med black student is not the same as a ghetto washout. The main character had elements of both, but was neither. Frustrating. For example, you seem to have him speak ebonics but more often than not it simply sounds fake (also, a pre-med black student usually doesn't sound much different than a pre-med white student ).

Add to that some spelling and grammar errors (aside from those that appeared deliberate for character's sake) and the final product was not very appealing to me.

I remain unconvinced but wonder how other people feel about it.

hs

 

[gauchecritic]

Extry extry, read all about it

Ok, first-person aspects

“Hoover” – Using the capital letter makes this a brand name not generic

“Naturally, I turned around. What I saw, even in that dim light, damn near turned me to stone. Stretched out on the back seat of my old car was the sexiest sight I’d ever seen. This drop-dead gorgeous chick was lying buck-naked on her back and looking up at me with those soft, blue, bedroom eyes of hers while giving me a come hither smile that was an open invitation to fuck. What's more, she was slowly stroking a fine looking boob with one hand “

For some reason this paragraph doesn’t have the same ‘swing’ as the rest of the story, two of the reasons are; using the phrase ”drop-dead gorgeous” and the word boob but there is something else which knocks it out of synch which I can’t put my finger on.

“However, I’d learned that once she committed to making love,”

Making love, to me, is the last thing that these two do.

“What can I tell you, there never seems to be enough time to smoke when we’re together.”

I like these little touches, making the character so much more personal

“Like I said,”

Ditto

“the flared head”

One of those phrases from the ‘Big Big Book Of Sexy Cliches’

“lasted for ages “

This actually caused me to halt in my reading, it was so terse and unusual in the context

“Donna “

Just a little over-used even for a Leroy story

“When she realized what I had in mind, she started protesting and tried to turn back around. But I was almost certain that blowjob had kick-started her wild side and that if I kept insisting, she’d agree. Finally she did, although it took a lot more shoving and sweet-talking than I’d expected. “

This paragraph made me think that you were holding back on the bdsm/non-consent thing which in my opinion would have been exactly right at this point

“Just wait until I tell you about Brenda.”

Nice ending.

Like I said previously, this is such a different story from the original I was quite amazed. It worked really well and I’m glad that you decided to write it.

.
Gauche

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

hiddenself,

I'm sorry you didn't like my story. And while that's always a personal opinion an author must accept. I would like to take a few words in my defense.

"RF, were you trying to produce a "black" story? (NO, I WAS WRITING A STORY FOR THE INTERRACIAL LOVE CATEGORY) If so, I think it was a failure. But then, I'm white,(ME TOO) so we need someone who has those racial and cultural experiences to be the judge." (THE IMPLICATION OF THAT LAST SENTENCE SEEMS TO BE THAT ONLY WHITE FOLKS CAN WRITE ABOUT WHITE FOLKS OR JUDGE THEIR WRITING, ONLY BLACKS ABOUT BLACKS, ETC. PUT THAT WAY, YOU PROBABLY DISAGREE AS WELL.)

"...you seem to have him speak ebonics but more often than not it simply sounds fake (also, a pre-med black student usually doesn't sound much different than a pre-med white student " LET'S START OFF BY STATING THE UNSTATED BUT OBVIOUS, ALL THAT WAS "IN YOUR OPINION." NOW, "IN MY OPINION," LEROY USES SLANG THAT IS RESONABLY CORRECT (VERISIMILITUDE) FOR THE TIME (1970's) AND PLACE (ATLANTA).

ONLY HAVING KNOWN TWO OR THREE BLACK GUYS WHO WERE PRE-MED STUDENTS BACK IN THE 70's, I MAY BE TOTALLY OFF BASE. HOWEVER, THE NARRATIVE IS SUPPOSED TO SOUND CONVERSATIONAL, AS IF HE WERE TALKING TO A FRIEND. AS SUCH, IT'S STYLE WAS MEANT TO BE MORE CASUAL THAN WHEN HE ACTUALLY SPEAKS, AS IN THESE THREE SAMPLES.

“Lady, you’re acting all tense and nervous, kinda like I do when Brenda’s been playing real hard-to-get. You and old Clay having problems?”
--
I adopted my “shuck & jive” teasing voice, “Man, I can’t imagine any self-respecting dude not wanting to get it on all night long with a fine lady like you.”
--
“Well, you know, maybe the two of us should look into easing each other’s pain. Like, maybe after work.”


Now, as for the spelling and grammar-they are hateful suckers. The first time I saw the posted version of the story, there was a "he" that should have been a "she" staring me in the face. However, I promise you I ran a spelling/style checker and proof read the piece. And, once again IMHO, the spelling and grammar are, if not good, at least above average.

With all that off my chest, let me thank you again for taking the time to give me you thoughts. My goal was to have Leroy come across as a three dimensional, horny guy who just happened to be black. With at least one reader, I failed. But hopefully that will push to do a better job next time.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

gauchecritic,

You are, as your handle implies, a tough critic, so I really appreciate, and I'm kinda proud of, the kind words.

When it comes to the paragraph that doesn't have the right "swing" I sense what you're talking about but, like you, I can't spot the problem.

“However, I’d learned that once she committed to making love,”
Making love, to me, is the last thing that these two do.
--YOU'RE SO RIGHT. BUT MAKING WHOOPY IS A TAD DATED AND "SCREWING" DIDN'T SEEM TO FIT. SO LET'S JUST KEEP IT UNDER THE V-E-R-Y BROAD DEF. OF "LOVE."

Thanks again for the feedback and advice.

Rumple Foreskin