Feedback on an unorthodox story

[IsaacTolkien]

I've just put up A Long Road to Paradise in the Group Sex category. It's a little over 5,000 words long (2 lit pages).

This story is a sexual version of The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. I know there are a few other attempts at this, but I like the original so much I just had to try this myself.

The basic structure comes from the original - four fantasies, each interrupted by a reality scene, which inspires the next fantasy, followed by an ambiguous death scene.

The fantasies follow a progression: first base, second, third, blowjob, group sex. Each fantasy (except the first) is based on an emotional need from the previous reality scene.

Each of the reality scenes features a nonsexual relationship with a female, in order of intimacy - coworker, mother/sister, daughter, wife.

I wrestled for a long time with the title and intro, don't know if I got it right. I put it into Group Sex as the main sex scene at the end is clearly group, even though the individual scenes along the way aren't.

Does this work? If not, is there any way it could have?

 

[yukonnights]

Just finished reading your story. For me, it worked and I enjoyed it. I'll just copy below the comment I left;

Unique and Well Done: I found this to be something new and unlike anything I've read here on Lit. It kept me interested, not so much because of the details, but in my desire to see how you would finish it. The ending was cleverly ambiguous...(last sentence removed to keep the ending unknown ). I say Bravo!
***
In regard to my comment that it wasn't the 'details' of the build up that kept me interested; It's not that they didn't keep me entertained, or were poorly written. It's more that I was so anxious to see how it all resolved that had the strongest draw. I would say that's a good thing. I really don't have any negative critique on this.

 

[ElectricBlue]

It's a writer's piece, and works for being that. For the great unwashed masses, though, I'm guessing it might be a bit of a head-scratcher, and you might get some inane comments and scores to match.

Nicely done .

 

[IsaacTolkien]

Thanks for the comments! This was very helpful.

I'm going to move the last, explanatory sentence to the beginning, and I'll ask that the entire story be moved into Humor & Satire; hopefully readers there will like it better.