Feedback on a new Story Please :)

[sachiaiko]

Okay, so, i did so well on my first story i figured i'd try another. Vampire finds love of his life, yada yada.

This story, however, isnt so much just sexual erotic fiction, its kinda the begining to an actual story. It ends well, doesnt leave a massive cliffhanger i mean, but at any rate its quite long.

I always love feedback, I'm really proud of it, i loved writing it. Soo... while i blush my little heart out, lemme give ya guys the link.


Cael's Star


Thanks

Nikki

 

[Rainbow Skin]

This is a really good story, very well written, and I think you achieve what you're trying for. You should be proud of it.

(Sorry, I can't go through giving detailed feedback to all the new requests: it takes time. This will be too abrupt.)

One little criticism, most noticeable in the beginning: you try to cram too much description into where it doesn't belong. When she goes out to her car, you write she goes out into her... haven't got it to hand, but something like... her 1980s cream Volkswagen GTO with fawn trim. When she tosses her hair, she tosses her dark hair with golden highlights. (I'm making this up.) And so on through a number of things: you put the description in where it isn't wanted. Tossing your hair doesn't vary depending on what colour it is. Driving off in a car is more or less the same whatever kind it is. I'm not saying don't describe -- but when you mean 'she got in her car and drove away', write that; and when you want to tell readers her car was this colour and that model, do so: but don't illegitimately combine them.

Minor point. It was a great story, and you don't need me to tell you that.

 

[sachiaiko]

Hrm... Thank you for your feedback, this is very helpful. However, I have gone back and reread the begining, and i am not seeing what problem your talking about. If you have time, could you post an example for me? I know teh ones you gave werent real ones from the story, cause she never tossed her hair. heh. And i would really like to better my writing and skill, so any examples would be really helpful so i can learn how to identify it in my own work.


Actually, i didnt think that my story would do well here on Lit, since it was very long, and alot of the story didnt involve sex but very normal life things. But i was WRONG, apparently. Very, very wrong. I think putting in a warning at the top helped me, because it let the pure porn seekers find something else without being annoyed and voting down on my story because i didnt get them off as well. Or whatever. But i'm number one in the nonhuman section right now! I'm SO proud

I just REALLY wasnt expecting that. *at all* Maybe I'm just my own worst critic, i dunno.

STILL, any constructive Criticism is greatly appreciated for those who've got the time. I *always* want to improve, i hope to one day publish, and that means taking alla information in.

Thanks a bunch
Nikki

 

[Rainbow Skin]

Okay, specifics. Well the first two paragraphs are legitimate description. But subsequently we get these:

Almost immediately she saw Stan, her boss, at the little mom-and-pop pizza house she worked at from 4-10:30 every Monday, Tuesday, and Friday.

Glancing up at the large mounted wall clock

Stan said in the quiet manner he had

Making a beeline for her little mint-condition pearl white '88 Volkswagen Rabbit convertible

In each case you're actually narrating an action -- she saw her boss Stan; glancing at the clock; Stan said quietly; making a beeline for her car. The action is the foreground, but you're folding in background information -- when and where she worked; what and where the clock was; Stan's habitual manner; what her car was.

It's not the giving of the background information that rings false, but throwing it directly into a foregrounded event.

Later there's some legitimate backgrounding, given directly:

He was dressed in black slacks, spit-shinned black boots, and a black silk shirt.

His voice was deep and smooth like caramel;

Now, once this information is known, you can refer to it again in passing:

"I am Cael," he said, in that slow rich voice again

It's hard to be precise about why the earlier ones don't ring true, but it's something to do with the fact that some sentences present new information: her car was white (description), she walked to her car (narration). Combining these seems to imply that all the information is pertinent: she walked to her white car.

Normally we don't have several cars waiting, so this is less misleading than saying she picked up, for example, her white shoes. In her own home she'd have a choice, and this would mean her white ones as opposed to another pair. But staying at someone else's she might not, so if you wanted to say 'she picked up her shoes; and her shoes were white', saying it as 'she picked up her white shoes' would give the wrong impression.

 

[ScottishChieftan]

Very descriptive and well developed storyline. I must say, I am impressed. Being new to this, I had no idea of the talent and well written literary works I would find here. I gotta admit, I am kinda intimidated!!

I don't actually have any critique for you. Myself, I am a bit more sinister and "dark" in my writing style. What you are proffering up is a different style of writing than mine, but I certainly can't find any fault with it.

I felt like I actually came to know the charactors and was enticed with the story as it unfolded.

Bravo

Bodie

 

[Hotcappucino]

Wow, five pages. Very ambitious and I'm very impressed with the sheer volume of your work. I hope you don't mind, but I have quite a few comments, although most of them pertain to the first two or three pages. Forgive me if some things seem nit-picky, but I felt I owed it to you to try and do as thorough job as I could while still getting a reply to you in a timely manner.

The third paragraph mixes a couple of different ideas. That is, you mention Star seeing Stan and then write about Star's work schedule. I would either move the part about her work schedule to another part of the story or leave it out altogether, especially since the details of her work schedule doesn't seem important to the rest of the story. For example, maybe combine the third and fourth paragraphs like this:

Almost immediately she saw her boss. "Hey, Stan!" She gave a cheerful wave and a little grin as she walked by. "I'm off my break now." Stan checked his watch and acknowledged her with a curt nod.

Another example where you try to incorporate too many ideas into one paragraph:

Stan didn't pay her an amazing amount of money, but her tips did bring a rather good living. Besides, she also had substantial income coming from her parents, who'd set aside a good trust fund for her in their earlier years. She had a small studio apartment down 11th street. All in all, she didn't have too much time to herself; it was too taken up with working and studying. Sure, plenty of men would come on to her, smile, wave, even approach if they were feeling adventurous, but after the first 6 months of school, most soon realized it was a hopeless dream to approach Star Artenza.

You start off writing about her income, then mention where she lives, then throw in how much free time she has (or doesn't have) and finally end on how difficult it is for men to approach her, all in one paragraph. I think you should try to keep each paragraph focused on one idea, so maybe break this paragraph up and expound on each idea separately (if the idea is germane to the story).

On one line you switched from a third person to a first person perspective by using the pronoun "I":

Table 14 was the rowdy crowd of boys Stanzeria's always got on Friday nights. Maybe "boys" was the wrong word —- I guess one could call them "men";

Perhaps better saying ...some would call them "men"; or some other phrasing to keep the perspective in third person.

The "Dr. Pecker" line was clever!

...and studying the arts and literature.

I probably would have mentioned a specific degree, rather than the vague phrase "the arts and literature." Something like "...majoring in art history" or "majoring in American lit."

There are some misspellings. I'll mention just a few:
"El was one of those girls that teased the bull when the bull was in the coral,..."
"Coral" should be "corral."

"...snickering as her friend's blush depended to a dusky rose."
"depended" should be "deepened."

"In an unconscious gesture, she rubbed her check back against his hand,"
"check" should be "cheek."

"...the last fading rays of sunlight seeping from the awat..."
Not sure what you were trying to spell with "awat."

You used "your" when you should have used "you're" in a number of places.

There are a number of other misspellings throughout -- I'd probably go back and do a couple of re-reads. It took at least five re-reads of my own story to catch most of them.

It's a little vague who is speaking in this paragraph:

Nodding and yawning, they both pulled on their sweaters. "Sure thing, Stan. If I think of anyone. I'll be sure to send her over. Well, goodnight you two." And with that, she waved to her two companions and sauntered out the back door into the employee parking lot.

I assume the speaker is Star, but it could have been El. You don't know who is speaking in this paragraph since the opening sentence says "they both."

You use the phrase "heaved a sigh" (or some slight variation of that phrase, like "heaving a little sigh") a little too much. Three times on the first page alone, twice on the second page, twice on the third page and once more on the fifth. In fact, you use the word "sigh" probably a little too much overall, even without "heaving" it. For example, "She turned the knob for hot water, watching the steam mist through the room with a satisfied sigh" would probably work better without trying to incorporate that word.

...reaching out to wrap his hand around her shoulder, drawing her prone body slowly into his embrace.

Prone means lying down flat on your stomach. Star, at this point in the story, is standing up in the bathtub. Maybe you mean still or frozen or petrified?

...then ran out the door to meet Stan at four o'clock.

This line sounds like she's going out on a date rather than just going to work. I'd probably rework this one.

But when he turned, the table was empty, and a twenty dollar bill was placed under the still full glass he'd abandoned.

The way this line is currently written makes it sound like Stan had abandoned the drink. Try ...under the still full abandoned glass or ...under the abandoned glass that was still full.

Your erotic sequences are excellent . You paint a very vivid picture.

I liked your description of the vampire characteristics at the end of the story. I'm not familiar with vampire lore -- is that the generally accepted version of what vampires are like and how their physiology works?

Overall, an incredible story. It would be worth your time & effort to go back and make some minor corrections (it seems that everytime I re-read my own story I seem to find something that needs to be corrected). You've inspired me to go and take a look at Love at First Bite?