Feedback on a journey

[MarcoP]

I have written a first story for literotica - a story of the start of a BDSM relationship (see http://english.literotica.com:81/stories/showstory.php?id=226901). I would apreciate any feedback and thoughts on whether this is a storyline worth developing.

Thanks for your help

MarcoP

 

[kbate]

I would delete all of the slowly, gently, suddenly, incoherently and other adverbs.

Use "as" and "then" less often. delete the 'Then' near the end dialogue.

Pine cones?

More commas than necessary. before but and and. other places as well.


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"We have guests coming for dinner. Before they arrive, I help you dress. I will not let you wear any underclothes. Instead, as you stand naked, I put a belt around your waist and tighten it. I take another belt. I loop it through the first belt at the back and pass both ends between your legs. I fasten it around the front of the first. I tighten it. You feel it tighten into your sex - a constant pressure. You wear a dress over the top. It shows, on close inspection, that you are not wearing a bra. Aroused, your nipples stand out.
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the above should either be written in past, present or future tense, not a combination of all three (or two in this case). The story should remain consistent in tense as he tells it to her.

 

[MarcoP]

Thanks

I would delete all of the slowly, gently, suddenly, incoherently and other adverbs.
.

Thanks Kate

useful tightening of my style. (I was rather fond of the pine cones tho')

MarcoP