Feedback on 1st story, please (It's spellchecked!)

[DarlingNikki]

I have been writing since I was a kid, but this is the first story, erotic or otherwise, that I have ever finished. I really want to be a good writer, so I would appreciate any feedback, particularly the brutally honest type. Nitpick all you want, please, it's the only way I'll get better.

I'm interested in any comments you would care to make, but I'm particularly wondering about the intro - too long? not relevant enough?

This is a true story and a sweet memory, so I didn't want to distance myself from it by putting it in the third person but I know there are pitfalls involved with 1st person and with true stories - how many of them did I fall into?

And the sex? Not enough?

I don't know if I can do a link, but I'll try.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=75658

If that doesn't work, it's called Volunteer Work and is one of the first few on the new stories page.

One more thing - I know I rambled on in this post - did I do it in the story, too?

Thanks for your time!

 

[English Lady]

hi well i am no expert,i'm not up on grammar and tense and spelling but i like to help out where i can! so here are my comments!

ok after the 4 paragraph you have a floating "F" which is obviously the F from "finally2 in the first word of the 5th paragraph,thats obviously just a nit-picky thing, but its the first thing i really noticed*L* and to be honest the last one too.

I thought your story was well written. descriptive and erotic. You managed to pull me in and keep me interested for the whole thing. You are a natural story teller i think! well done!

 

[DarlingNikki]

Wow, what a nice thing to say, thank you!!! Also thanks just for reading it!

Yeah, I saw that F... inally thing after it was posted. I had to redo all the paragraphs when I pasted it into the submission box and I guess I got a little lazy. Argh... it bugs me.

 

[MaxSebastian]

Very good, I thought. You're a great writer, and you'll go far if you put the work in and keep writing and learning. Fiction's next!

I think you have a good style - it's readable, there's some good description, it flows nicely, is generally interesting enough to keep the attentive reader going - there's a good bit of dialogue to break things up and provide a view into character.

The weaknesses as far as I see are these: firstly, the structure. I know it's a true story, but this story sounded a little too much like 'What I Did On My Holiday'. Particularly, I think, in the first third. You spent so long talking about this guy Tommy. You also spent a long time telling us how and why and when you decided to go on this trip, and your preparations for the trip. Unnecessary.

My view (not necessarily definitive) is that you could have made it more powerful by perhaps starting the story when the narrator first landed in the strange new place. We could have seen the narrator's reaction to the startling difference between Calcutta and home, and perhaps then she could have briefly questionned her reasoning for being there.

The ending was also a bit weak, I felt, with no satisfying conclusion. I'm not sure how you would tackle that, since its a true story - how did it all resolve itself? Perhaps you could have structured it slightly so that there was some kind of question that could have resolved itself at the end. Tough with a true story, I guess. I'm not much help on that one!

Next thing I'd say is a problem associated with writing first person: neglecting the description of the first person. I felt in places you could have strengthened the characterisation of the narrator a little. I got a fair idea of what the hero was about, but apart from obsessing about her ex, there was little to say what the narrator was about. Not quite enough of the thought process or feelings explored, perhaps.

The sex scenes were fine, they could be more erotic, but they weren't un-erotic. A bit more practice, a little more passion and you'll strengthen that side of things. Remember to always write using five senses, then add in reactions, anticipations, hopes, desires, emotions and then with your timing: try to start slow and build to a hectic climax.

Well, in conclusion, I'd say the weaknesses weren't all that weak, if you get my meaning - if you can now turn your hand to fiction (unless the rest of your true stories are as entertaining), you'll be set for the future. The important thing with any craft is to practice and to learn from others with a little reading round the subject and discussions with others of similar interests. But then you already have one foot on that particular road!

All the best,

Max

 

[English Lady]

hi well i am no expert,i'm not up on grammar and tense and spelling but i like to help out where i can! so here are my comments!

ok after the 4 paragraph you have a floating "F" which is obviously the F from "finally2 in the first word of the 5th paragraph,thats obviously just a nit-picky thing, but its the first thing i really noticed*L* and to be honest the last one too.

I thought your story was well written. descriptive and erotic. You managed to pull me in and keep me interested for the whole thing. You are a natural story teller i think! well done!

 

[English Lady]

oops!

 

[DarlingNikki]

Max,

The weaknesses as far as I see are these: firstly, the structure. I know it's a true story, but this story sounded a little too much like 'What I Did On My Holiday'. Particularly, I think, in the first third. You spent so long talking about this guy Tommy. You also spent a long time telling us how and why and when you decided to go on this trip, and your preparations for the trip. Unnecessary.

I was afraid I'd spent too much time on Tommy - believe it or not, I actually cut a couple of paragraphs. I guess I should have cut some more. The reason I spent to much time explaining why I went on the trip was to have it make more sense, I mean - who up and goes to Calcutta? I wouldn't have bothered if I met Kurt in NYC. Even people who know me think I'm kidding at first when I tell them about my trip. But I hear you on that... maybe if the story hadn't been so short it would have worked better?

My view (not necessarily definitive) is that you could have made it more powerful by perhaps starting the story when the narrator first landed in the strange new place. We could have seen the narrator's reaction to the startling difference between Calcutta and home, and perhaps then she could have briefly questionned her reasoning for being there.

You're right, I think that would have been better, and I did think about it, but I didn't think I was ready technically to attempt to do a non-cheesy flashback. I will definitely have to work on that.

The ending was also a bit weak, I felt, with no satisfying conclusion.

I agree with you on this one too. I was kind of like, whew, through with the sex, that's it. Definitely something to work on.

Next thing I'd say is a problem associated with writing first person: neglecting the description of the first person. I felt in places you could have strengthened the characterisation of the narrator a little. I got a fair idea of what the hero was about, but apart from obsessing about her ex, there was little to say what the narrator was about. Not quite enough of the thought process or feelings explored, perhaps.

Ok. Part of the problem is I wasn't really sure what my thought processes were at the time and still don't really. But I get you that I need to put something in to make it read better as a story.

The sex - hmm... I get embarrassed writing "dirty" things... I guess that shows in the story!

Thanks so much for your detailed feedback, it definitely helps! Also thanks for the nice things you said.

 

[oggbashan]

I liked the story a lot.

I don't think that the introduction was too long - but I wouldn't because mine are long as well . The sex scenes are good and well written. They are also romantic in that both characters are thinking about the other and not just their own pleasure.

If this is your first posted story then I look forward to reading some more from you. It isn't easy to make the switch from your own experiences to writing about made-up characters but with practise it can be done. For a start you might take the same setting in Calcutta and tell the story of another couple. I don't suggest that your first try at such a story would be good enough to post, but it could start you to think about making up stories with the common plot of girl meets boy, girl loses boy, girl gets boy back again and add your own twist. If you can do it by re-telling the first story as if it happened to another couple, then you can jump to writing an original story.

Once you have tried fiction I hope that you find, as I did, that your imagination starts to work overtime and there are too many stories.

Good luck with the writing.

Oggbashan

 

[DarlingNikki]

Thanks for the kind words, oggbashan. I do plan on writing more stories, and eventually making them up, but I still have a few more stories of my own I want to write. Me, me, me

 

[damppanties]

Great story. I loved the way you managed to convey the atmosphere of the place. I didn't think the introduction was too long. In fact, I liked it because it tells me your state of mind at that point of time. I think that's relevant.

Sex. Well, it was enough but a little too long in coming. You took us through almost four nights (just a guess... didn't count ) of being in the common room and you're doing the same thing again and again there. It seemed a bit repetitive to me.

Since you said nitpicking is allowed...

My friends and family were alarmed at the thought of me going to India alone

shouldn't that be : thought of my going to India alone? I'm not sure, it just seemed wrong.

In one place you confused me with the dialogue.

“Thank you.” I leaned my head on his shoulder.

“You smell good,” I said.

The person saying both those things is the same but they are in different paragraphs. Yes, I know you said you were lazy with the paragraphing, but it's there so thought I'd let you know.

Now, keep in mind that all these are really small things and I'm just pointing these out cos it's a critique. Your story was truly better than most ones here and I enjoyed reading it. I'll definitely look forward to more from you.

Keep writing.

 

[Moyds_jewel]

Since I have recently asked for feedback/criticism for my own stories on this board, it is only fair that I perform the same service for other authors. However, criticism and editorial advice are largely a matter of context and perspective. My observations and comments regarding your work are simply one person’s opinion.

I chose your thread to respond to in part because I, too, have been writing for my own pleasure since the age of 12. I see in your work many of the strengths and weaknesses that I find in my own. I hope that you find the comments that follow useful. Feel free to disregard any and all of them.

1. Know your target reader/audience.

- you have posted in English, then introduce the reader to German. Provide a translation, please. Assuming that your readers will/can/should figure out the translation on their own is a dangerous assumption to make and you will lose some of them.

- What is your intent, your hook? Do you want to inform? Arouse? Surprise?
Any sentence which does NOT further your intent to inform, arouse, surprise (for example) should be discarded.

Your intent is not always clear here and contributes to a kind of rambling
that can be distracting. I think another in this thread described it as
feeling like "what I did on my holiday…"

2. Perspective

First person narration can be most difficult to pull off for a variety of reasons: too many sentences beginning with “I” for example. First person narration should offer the reader a unique window into the character telling the story. Therefore, the biggest drawback to this perspective is often the author’s blithe assumption that the reader shares or understands their motivations and emotions and there is no need for further exposition.
For example:
“This gave him a contemplative look that made me develop the first tingles of a crush.”
Oh, really? Does the same thing happen to you when Larry King, say, shoots you a contemplative look? What is it –exactly- about this look in this particular situation that moves you, that MAKES you do anything?
Or
“Looking closer, I could see the youth in his face…”
Was it written across his forehead with a sharpie? Define what “youth” is in this context…what it means to the narrator…and why his youth even matters.
Or
"..I'd never had a more sensual massage..."
Your only description of the massage is Kurt's hands on your shoulders and if this is your idea of a sensual massage, watch out for crowded subway cars...

3. Technical thoughts

From the bottom of my heart, THANK YOU for spell-checking!! Nothing takes me out of story faster than misspelled words. That said, you missed one. 'Anonyminity' should be anonymity. And in the sentence "...she probably had no problems resisting booty-calls from 'exes'.." exes should be ex's, imho.

Your biggest technical weakness, I think, is in your punctuation (mine, too!). Specifically, your love and overuse of the comma.

"In such a big group I didn't get the chance to speak with him and, although he had classic good looks, he didn't stand out in any remarkable way, so I didn't even notice him in particular."

This sentence is chopped up by the commas and they make it feel like the dreaded "run-on" sentence. Is it not stronger to remove the first and last commas?

"In such a big group I didn't get the chance to speak with him and although he had classic good looks, he didn't stand out in any remarkable way so I didn't even notice him in particular."

Or, even better, create two sentences:

"In such a big group I didn't speak directly with him and despite his classic good looks, he didn't stand out in any other remarkable way. I didn't particularly notice him."

One of the nastiest things an author can do to the reader is lead them down a confusing maze of clauses and commas and abandon them. In other words, lose the reader in a run-on sentence:
"Kurt increased his efforts on my clitoris and thrust into me strong and deep and I could feel it building up, his fingers rubbing me, the sweet, slow tension like honey pouring, more and more, and his cock, finally, finally, his cock hard inside me, filling me, and his lips, and oh my god, his cock so hard when I was so, so soft, my heart pounding, my body begging, and then I was sobbing with the delicious release as my back arched and my orgasm flowed through me, overflowed, suffusing my entire body with incredible sweet warmth."
Why not:
"Kurt increased his efforts on my clitoris and thrust into me strong and deep. I could feel it building as his fingers rubbed me; the sweet, slow tension like honey pouring through me, more and more. His cock, finally - finally!- his cock hard inside me, filling me while his lips...his lips! And oh my god! His cock so hard when I was so, so soft; my heart pounded, my body begged and then...then I sobbed with delicious release as my back arched and my orgasm flowed - overflowed - suffusing my entire body with incredibly sweet warmth."

Repeat after me: semi-colons and colons are my friends!

"Kurt asked me, momentarily coming closer to me to avoid stepping on the repair-wallah's tools and spare parts..."
SHOULD be:
"Kurt asked me; momentarily..."

There are a few sentence fragments ("Hard and hot and moving against me, inside of me") but a few are generally ok, particularly if you use them in a kind of rhythm.

"Kurt slowed down his thrusting until he was lying still on top of me, still inside me..."
I think that "down" in this sentence is redundant and using "still" twice is repetitive. While repetitive can be a good thing...is it what you intended here?

Passive vs active verbs. An ongoing debate about what is "better" ...greatly depends upon context, of course. Even so, look your work over for passive verbs and ask yourself if your sentence would be stronger, carry more punch if you removed the "ing" from the verb.

Final thoughts:
I came away from your story with a real feel for India.
I love that you are not afraid of multisyllabic words
(circumnavigate!!).
You have talent.

Recommedations:
Don't stop writing.
Find a compatible editor.
Cut out half the commas, don't be afraid of short sentences.

Forgive the length of my response. Best of luck in future literary forays!

jewel

 

[DarlingNikki]

damppanties, I'm glad you liked the story and the intro. I think you are right on your "nitpicks." As far as the common room stuff - believe me, it seemed repetative at the time, too! But for the sake of the reader, I guess I would have to either cut one of those scenes out or vary it more.

(for those who did think the intro was too long, I'm working on a continuation now which I hope will stand on its own but which will pretty much jump right into things...)

 

[DarlingNikki]

moyd's jewel...! No need to apologize for the length of your response, it's great and I really appreciate it.

you have posted in English, then introduce the reader to German. Provide a translation, please. Assuming that your readers will/can/should figure out the translation on their own is a dangerous assumption to make and you will lose some of them.

Okay... hmm... I do see your point, but I thought (perhaps mistakenly) that there wasn't enough German to confuse anyone about what was going on and that it would be apparent that all the stuff he says is "sweet nothings." But if that is a problem I will find a way to translate gracefully, or else keep it all in English.

Your intent is not always clear here and contributes to a kind of rambling

My intent was pretty much to finish a story goddamn it and quit being so skittish about showing my work... Your point is noted.

Therefore, the biggest drawback to this perspective is often the author’s blithe assumption that the reader shares or understands their motivations and emotions and there is no need for further exposition. “This gave him a contemplative look that made me develop the first tingles of a crush.” Oh, really? Does the same thing happen to you when Larry King, say, shoots you a contemplative look? What is it –exactly- about this look in this particular situation that moves you, that MAKES you do anything?

Sadly, I probably would go all tingly if Larry King shot me a contemplative look. But I hear what you're saying.

'Anonyminity' should be anonymity.

I'm just never going to use that word again... I can't even say it properly.

Your biggest technical weakness, I think, is in your punctuation (mine, too!). Specifically, your love and overuse of the comma.

Yeah, I suck at commas. I will have to work on that. I agree with your rewrites of the other sentances, but I stand by that paragraph sentance in the sex scene. I meant to convey the whole "ongoingness" of it. If it didn't work, it didn't work, but if I were to re-write this story, I wouldn't cut the paragraph up, I'd just try harder to make the flowingness work. Or maybe not. I'm too embarrassed to read it again right now. I'll look at it again later.

I'm glad you got a feeling for India. (My secret dream is to be a travel writer.) Multisyllabic words rock.

Thanks again for putting so much effort into this critique. I will definitely look at your advice again as I write the next story.

I have to say, people here have been really great! Thanks again to everyone for your help!

Nikki