feedback offer

[wildsweetone]

OK call me nuts, but i'll give this a go.

i'm willing to have a go at giving feedback. below are four areas which i will give my 'humble' opinion on.

i'm not sure how long it will take me to answer your feedback requests, but if i aim for 4 this week i'll see if i can manage it.

this is a guess at the kind of feedback i'll give:

1. a general comment about the 'feel' of the story.
2. a comment about anything that to me sticks out as incorrect.
3. a suggestion as to using a spell checker (if needed).
4. a comment about encouraging the author to keep writing.

how does that sound?

please post a link to your chosen story on here. i will post my responses on this thread.

handy thread links:
i'll add to this when i can find what i'm looking for. i know they're here somewhere.

the 'measurement's thread':
http://www.literotica.com/forum/sho...&threadid=81825


the writers resource area:
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Whispersecret's How to make Characters Talk dialogue info:
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=8982

 

[Dusty Farkworth]

feed back on stories

It sounds great to me. Go for it, as they say. Any feed back on my stories are greatly appreciated. Thanks

 

[wildsweetone]

Dusty,

Please choose one of your stories and post a link on this thread, sorry i should have mentioned that, i'll edit my initial posting.
thank you

 

[wildsweetone]

Dusty, The Round Up

Assuming you've gone offline, I've chosen The Round Up to give feedback on.

I'm not sure how specific you'd like me to be, but in my humble opinion here's what i thought.


I liked the story line. It began with a good first sentence and ended with a nice thought of more to come.

Round Up should be roundup
down right s/b downright
day light s/b daylight

some paragraphs contain words twice i.e. summer, tomorrow, remember. i would try to choose a different word to explain the same thing or change the sentences to avoid using the words again so close together.

perhaps using a spell checker would correct some of the few typos you have. it's possible to pick and choose if you use it for every word, thus allowing yourself to still keep your own style of expression.

maybe try to lessen the "I" amount. here's an example:
'As I approach the camp I listen for any sound coming from the tent.'
try,

Approaching camp, I listened for sounds from the tent.

One last thing Dusty, don't be afraid to use more dialogue and keep writing!

I hope this helps

 

[Ray Dario]

Okay WildSweetOne,

I'll take you up on your offer.

Please let me know what you think of "Help Chapter 1". It's a complete story in itself and won't leave you hanging.

Here is the link.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=6012

In return, if you like, I'll give you feedback on one of your stories. Just let me know which one and whether you would prefer private feedback or posting to this thread or opening a new thread.

Thanks again.

Ray

 

[Dusty Farkworth]

feedback

Thank you so very much on the feedback. It is greatly appreciated. I am thrilled you liked the storyline. Keep up the good work. The Round Up was the last story writen, so I'm sure my others have the same flaws and typos. Thank you again.

 

[EnchantressSmiles]

Could you kindly?

Hi WildSweetOne!
I'm willing to accept your offer for feedback. I've posted my new story and I am thinking seriously about turing it into a series. Your input would be greatly appreciated!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=47742

Thank you!

Enchantress

 

[wildsweetone]

Ray, Help Ch 1

In my humble opinion, here's what I thought Ray:

page 1
I liked your intro. I usually prefer a shorter first sentence, but yours is good.

paragraph 4 'He wasn't the most handsome man in the world and God knew he wasn't the biggest in the world dick wise, but he was a good husband. '
'dick wise'... to me it sounded a little out of place here. she is feeling loving and warm towards him. this paragraph is showing her thinking, would she really comment on his dick size at this point?

p.6 10 x 'and's. have you ever tried the style of writing without using the word and? only a suggestion to have a go and see if it fits right with you.

p.7 odor? is this american spelling - sorry not sure.

p.9 insure pregnancy should be ensure pregnancy

p.13 a comma needed in the last sentence i think.

"Oh, honey you know we can't." She said.
s/b
"Oh honey you know we can't," she said.

"Maybe." Mike said reaching out and taking her soft hand in his.
s/b
"Maybe," Mike said reaching out and taking her soft hand in his.
(there are several places where there is a fullstop like this).

'Mike's eyes plead with Ann' s/b pleaded

'On the other hand if it was just sex to conceive a baby then maybe it wouldn't be like cheating on him and if .'
is this sentence finished or does it need those little ... at the end?

two thirds down page, paragraph beginning 'That was another thing Mike...'. Within this para. there is the word 'abstain', is that the word you were wanting? i think abstain means to not drink or to hold oneself back from doing something. is your donor a drinker? or do you mean abstain from other sex to ensure his sperm is more 'potent'?

in the next para. 'decease' s/b disease i think. a dead donor might not be much use, though i suppose it depends how long he'd been dead for.

now i've got sidetracked by your story... oops

ok, a general comment on page 1.
i like the story line so far. a good intro, the story then moves along well. character description is, i think, a little wordy in places.

just along the line of wordiness, may i use an example?
'Ann began to cry softly as they got into the car and drove home.'
how about:
Ann began to cry softly as they drove home.

i like the dialogue usage you have. it works well, i can see you're not afraid to use it. in a few places it sounds a little unreal though... can not instead of can't. a person would often speak with the word 'can't' twice in the same dialogue, don't be afraid to write as they actually speak, no matter if the grammer sounds messed up.

yes as you see from above, i got sidetracked from specific feedback. you drew me into the story, i love it when that happens.

i also like the way you've brought other events in. using the photo idea, expanding on it in the way you did was excellent.

ok i'm going to read the rest of the story now. if you'd like specific feedback similar to the above or different, or in fact any more for the other two pages, please don't hesitate to ask. i'm not sure if this is too much and i need an idea how much ok?

all this of course is simply my thoughts on your work. don't lose your own style, it works great

 

[Ray Dario]

WildSweetOne, Thanks. I'm going to print this out and then go through the story with it. I think this is fantastic.

You may discover this before you read this reply but the other two "Chapters" are just stories about the same characters. It's not really an ongoing story. And they probably have many of the same problems.

Thanks again, I love getting this kind of thoughtful, honest feedback!

Okay, if you would like me to, as you say, have a go at one of yours I will be happy to. Just tell me which one.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

you're welcome Dusty, i'm glad you weren't offended i wasn't sure how much to say.

 

[wildsweetone]

golly...

this isn't going to be as easy as i thought. rofl

Ray, i've finished reading the rest of your Help, Chapter 1 story. how do i explain the delay... *wicked grin* hmmm maybe i should just leave you with a *wink* and dear, know that i really enjoyed reading it.

yes i'd like to take you up on your offer of feedback.
the new story i wrote called 'An Ideal World' is my choice. you have given me feedback on the original version, this is the one i chose for submission. it is not a jack-off piece, so don't expect it. but i'd be interested to know your feedback on it.

be as specific as you feel you'd like to be.
right at this moment it has 5 votes and rates 3.20. my belief is that it's low because it's not erotic.

 

[wildsweetone]

EnchantressSmiles

if it's ok with you, i'll look into your story tomorrow (a little under 24 hours from now).

one feedback a day is about the most i can manage (maybe one every couple of days).

yours is next on the list

 

[jon.hayworth]

Wildsweetone,

You know I have the greatest respect for your skills as a short story writer but this time I have to say I was not impressed.

When I read "An Ideal World", I thought you had thrown away a fantastic storyline, by making the story so short.

Should the story have been in romance? I am unsure - I could think of another 3 categories and it does not sit comfortably in any of them.

My chief complaint is that you started off with a big issue - ingrained, institutionalised racism. And for some reason decided to barely scrape the surface. To be honest that story could be the basis of a full-length serious novel. I do not think you do justice to your skills with this story.

Technically it was faultless, well editted etc., but you did not have space to build the tension. The mother was just too accepting to be believable. Rational yes but people have emotions and emotion leads to irrationality.

Just go and write the novel - and try for a publisher!

jon

 

[wildsweetone]

EnchantressSmiles, The Homecoming

i've managed to squeeze in a little time for this today.

Remember please, these are simply my thoughts...

'...that she put off...'
should be
'...that she had put off...' or '...that she'd put off...'

'Michael had gone missing the year before when his plane crashed on his way home from the teaching safari where he was honored for his research on indigenous people and human sexuality.'
should Indigenous People and Human Sexuality be as initialised capitals, sorry i'm not sure about this...? also, it is a really long sentence, can it be shortened or punctuated a little more?

"Just the trees…I do need a drink!"
s/b (i think)
"Just the trees.... I do need a drink!" (again I'm not sure on whether there should be 3 dots or 4, but there does need to be two spaces after as 'I' is the beginning of a new sentence).

paragraph 7. 6 x 'she'. hmmm i would try rewriting it to see if i could loose some of the personal pronouns (i had to look that up - it's a fault of mine to use too many also)
from this:
'She grabbed a half-full bottle of wine and a glass in one hand, a few candles in the other and headed to her bath. She lit the candles one by one and turned out the lights. She perched on the edge of the 2 person- tubs she and Michael insisted on having when they moved in. As she started running the water, fragmented memories of their shared baths flashed through her mind. She raised her face to the mirrors surrounding the tub and took in the image that greeted her.'
maybe to this:
'Grabbing an opened winebottle, glass and scented candles, she headed for the bathroom. Candlelight glowed on the 2-seater tub that had been installed when they'd moved in. Running the water, fragmented memories of their shared baths flashed through her mind. In the misty mirrors surrounding the tub, the image that greeted her was pleasing.'

Michael's name is mentioned in the next paragraph so i don't think it looses too much to miss it in the above suggestion.

p.10 '...mound above her cit...'
s/b
'...mound above her clit...'

'And he thrust into her deep and hard!'
i'm sure there's a rule somewhere that says never start a sentence with 'and'. i like using it, glad you have too

the flipside of the coin:
'He grabbed her hair and pulled her face to meet his and kissed her hard.'
try:
'Grabbing her hair, pulling her face to meet his, he kissed her hard.'
make sense?

'...slowly pulled off of him.'
is the 'of' needed? personally this always makes me re-read, i prefer not to have the 'of'.

'When it was over she collapsed on top of him…his cock still twitching inside her.'
if it was over, would he still twitch?


ok my general overview... I like your story. It's descriptive (possibly a little too much in some places). It moves forward. I believe that it has strong possibilities for a series. I hope this helps. well done and keep writing!

 

[wildsweetone]

Jon,

possibly i should wait before i answer your feedback...
i'm in several minds as to how to answer you actually.

i could own up and say i am scared to death to let myself just go with the storyline. i held back. what you've just read is the third attempt and it's the only one that i got that 'tingly' feeling with at the end.

both the interracial angle and the incestuous angle are huge areas and have deep meanings for me personally.

to put it bluntly, i didn't want a 'fuck' piece (boy, that would have been soooo much easier to write! lol). i purposely wanted humanity. if i'd gone for the former it would have been hot. i've left the ending open though so it's possible to write more.

i didn't think it would be accepted by lit., it's not erotic and it doesn't quite fit under ANY specific category, none that i'd prefer anyway.

i'm not sure you quite picked up on the mother though... why was she too accepting? try re-reading and see if you can pick it up. let me know what you find please.

yes i agree the story should be a novel, i didn't think i'd have the skills to take it that far. i would like the courage to give it a go though.

i know that i've gone top heavy towards the incest, it would be simple to sway it the other way and increase the racism. do you think it's possible to even both out, or are they overpowering in themselves?

btw did you realise the storyline was the DARE that i was pulling my hair out over?

thank you for your feedback though, i appreciate your thoughts very much *hug*

 

[Ray Dario]

WildSweetOne,

This is a very good story. I disagree with Jon about all stories that touch a serious subject having to explore them at length. Sometimes it is okay to scratch the surface and use just a little of the conflict to enhance the story. In this piece you did just that.

A few things caught my eye, however.

Her clothes had gone from the chair.

How about

Her clothes were gone from the chair.

and


My head spun to her. "Oh yes? What can we possibly do about this? It can't continue and yet how will I stop loving two women? Do I choose between you? Do I leave and make sure I never return? What? What's your idea?" I stopped in front of her.


This dialog sounds forced or un-natural to me. It may just be my American prejudice though.

The only other item I want to mention about this story is the flashback. I rarely like flashbacks and this is not an exception. It felt forced and contrived. I think I'd like to see the story written starting with his encounter with the mother first then jumping forward 20 years to his encounter with the daughter. Of course it may be better the way you wrote it.

I did like getting rid of the blind element. I thought that cluttered the story before. And I absolutely loved the ending!

Overall it was very well done. A very good story that you should be proud of.

Ray

 

[jon.hayworth]

OK I am on the spot. Yes I do realise it was to do with the dare.

YOU ARE PUTTING YOURSELF DOWN YOU ARE MORE THAN CAPABLE OF WRITING A NOVEL - according to all the writers I have read on writing or talked to, the good short story is far harder to write than a novel.

In a novel you would be able to strike the balances between the racism and the incest. Telling the story "rondo" to use the film-makers terms. As I see it with the back story the incest would only constitute about a third.

OK the mother's acceptance. Maybe this is a consequence or problem of the short story. I would have expected her to be pulling her hair out or his hair out when she arrived at the hotel.
She could calm down and rationalise later, but the initial reaction - go potty I think. Think yourself into her shoes -

Emotional level. - The father of your child has just screwed his own child -
Reaction will be on the same level

Then (later) Rational Level - the father of your child did not know he had fathered a child - he screwed the child who looks a lot like you did at that age - what a compliment that he is still attracted to a woman like you.

Well that is how I think it goes.

This is an added bit because I saw Rays feedback - I liked the flashback and as I said would advise using the technique if you take it to a novel. You have to because I shall nag you.

Write the bloody novel and really put someone's nose out of joint.

jon

 

[wildsweetone]

ohmygolly

Jon i don't think you picked it!

Ray do you know about the mother?

 

[Ray Dario]

WSO, I'm pretty sure.

It seemed very clear from the mother's reaction and the ending that she has either incestuous feelings for her daughter or is actually involved in an incestuous relationship with her.

If I'm way off base here then forgive me, but that is how I read it.

Ray

 

[wildsweetone]

whew!!!

thank you Ray!

Jon sure had me wondering if i'd pulled it off or not. rofl

oh ray! i'm sorry i've been remiss. too much going on around me here.

thank you for your feedback,

can you explain the difference to me about 'were' and 'had' please? why is were prefereable? i'm interested

i very much appreciate your comments ray, thank you *hug*

 

[EnchantressSmiles]

RE: feedback from WildSweetOne (The Homecoming)

WildSweetOne!

Thank you so much for taking the time to point out those points to me! Some of it hadn't even caught my eye. I will do as others before me and print your suggestions and go through my text. Thanks again...until next time!

Erotische Träume zu Ihnen

Enchantress

 

[wildsweetone]

EnchantressSmiles

you're very welcome, thank you for giving me the chance to 'practise' my feedback.

please will you tell me the meaning of

Erotische Träume zu Ihnen?

erotic trauma in the home? hmmm i can't speak a word of french nor german, sorry.

 

[EnchantressSmiles]

translation

HAHAHA Erotic Trauma... I think I've heard some emergency room stories about that! But seriously, Erotische Träume zu Ihnen means, "Erotic Dreams To You" in German.

Until next time...

Enchantress

 

[wildsweetone]

aahhh

thank you dear, i will sleep well tonight now. (maybe) rofl






ATTENTION; EVERYONE
i'd like to know what you think of the kind of feedback i've given so far?
is it too specific?
is it too painful?
is it helpful?
do you have any suggestions how i can improve?

 

[Ray Dario]

WildSweetOne,

Were vs. Had

I think the sentence was something like

Her clothes had gone from the back of the chair.


It is probably an American thing, but to me that says the clothes did something. They didn't. By saying

Her clothes were gone from the back of the chair.


It just says they were not there anymore and doesn't imply action on the clothes part.

Just my opinion. Come on you grammer guru's come tell me why I'm wrong on this.


And WildSweetOne, I think your feedback has been well thought out, meaningful and helpful. Just the right amount of detail and good overall feelings too.

Thanks
Ray