Feedback needed

[christiankay]

I would like some feedback on my first attempt at writing a novel. The novel 'Adam Martin - The Pupil' is the first of a tree novel series I have a storyline for.

Over four-thousand people have read the first 2 chapters, but I have received very little feedback. I would really like to know what you think about the story so far, and my writing. The final book will be edited again for continuity and should be around forty chapters in length.

Adam Martin - The pupil, is the story for a eighteen year old, who starts a new life away from home, at a school for musicians. Along the way, he has many sexual adventures and becomes a sensation with the crowds as his new found passion for life and sex flows into his music.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1139058&page=submissions

Thank you in advance.

 

[_Lynn_]

I looked at the first chapter. So you legally filed for a copyright as the symbol indicates on this piece?

The disclaimer would have been enough for me to click out, but I went on. Then you have several paragraphs of dull narrative. Dialogue at last, I thought. *sigh* That wasn't any better.

Punctuation errors, words in caps, repetition, incorrect use of the ellipsis, and more all pulled me away from what the story might be. You need a good editor.

I tried to speak but no sound came from my lips. I wasn't aware sound came from lips.

I stopped there.

This piece needs a lot of work if the beginning is any indication of the rest.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

The disclaimer is completely irrelevant and almost certainly makes readers click back before they start reading your story. You have copyright, it is automatic. Scrub that and get get a punchier starting sentence.

Lynn is right that you need need a good copy edit to sort out spelling and other glitches.

I read both parts, though only because you asked for comments. There are major problems in your work.

First, you don't keep your paragraphs short enough for a web environment and you don't use dialogue at all to advance the story.

You give us a load of tedious back-story at the beginning that would make most readers click back, then you go into an interminable stroke story with no emotion or justification and no relevance to whatever story you want to tell.

There will be infantile responses but I believe you can't handle first person POV and you spoil any chance by not being able to express Liza's feelings.

Why she wants a quick fuck on a bus trip, I have no idea - and you don't justify it.

Everything moves too slowly. We don't need the blow by blow accounts, they slow the plot and turn an erotic story into a football commentary. What is going on in their heads.

You need to look at your stories with the idea of building tension and ruthlessly eliminating the mundane things that slow the story.

 

[_Lynn_]

The disclaimer is completely irrelevant and almost certainly makes readers click back before they start reading your story. You have copyright, it is automatic. Scrub that and get get a punchier starting sentence.

Lynn is right that you need need a good copy edit to sort out spelling and other glitches.

I read both parts, though only because you asked for comments. There are major problems in your work.

First, you don't keep your paragraphs short enough for a web environment and you don't use dialogue at all to advance the story.

You give us a load of tedious back-story at the beginning that would make most readers click back, then you go into an interminable stroke story with no emotion or justification and no relevance to whatever story you want to tell.

There will be infantile responses but I believe you can't handle first person POV and you spoil any chance by not being able to express Liza's feelings.

Why she wants a quick fuck on a bus trip, I have no idea - and you don't justify it.

Everything moves too slowly. We don't need the blow by blow accounts, they slow the plot and turn an erotic story into a football commentary. What is going on in their heads.

You need to look at your stories with the idea of building tension and ruthlessly eliminating the mundane things that slow the story.

There still has to be a good plot, with characters who capture the readers interest, and dialogue that moves the story along regardless of the POV. Changing that won't fix the rest.

 

[christiankay]

Brutal but good!

Thank you all for your responses so far, they are good.

I do have problems because I am not a native English speaker, English is my third language. nonetheless, the irony of this is that two different editors from this site edited the story. So I guess I have to look for the third.

As for the disclaimer some real scary things I read about people being prosecuted maybe I am being to paranoid.

As for Liza's reason, you missed it. She was sleeping in a room between two couples that had loud sex daily, and she was horny when she entered the bus.

To sum it up. This story was hand written in a notebooks, twenty years ago. It is around fourty chapters long, and I am translating and writing it in English and making it more relevant. This is no excuse for a bad story, just some background information.

I will stop writing/translating this story and work on other things till I improve enough or find a decent editor. Because it is my baby and I do really want people to enjoy it.

Cheer
Chris.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

There are Stories and "Strokers" on Lit. This is sort of a "Stroker" but, as Lynn and El have already said there are some problems. You have punctuation errors, you don't do quotations very well and there is way too much story.

When you write, ask yourself, "What does the reader REALLY need to know?" Does he need to know about your grandmother? Does he really need to know about the boredom of a bus ride? It looks as though you could simply have congregated all the back story into one simple, short paragraph instead of five or six long ones.

The thing that I found most disconcerting was that some woman, Elizabeth, would even want to have sex on a bus with a stranger. I don't know why she would. I don't know why she would expose herself to public sex. And I find this whole situation unbelievable.

It's your job as an author to craft your story so I will believe, so I will buy into any unbelievable scene. That's exactly what the Sci-Fi writers are best at, but mainstream writers need to do it too.

You have to think of and write the character's motivation. Beyond that you need to let the characters express that motivation through dialogue.

There is a great article in the Writer's Resources Forum titled "Making Your Characters Talk." It's good. you should read that and follow that lead.

And yeah, find an editor. That will make your stories much more readable.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

There still has to be a good plot, with characters who capture the readers interest, and dialogue that moves the story along regardless of the POV. Changing that won't fix the rest.

Totally agreed. I just think it can help to use third person in the early days to give some push towards dialogue and plot rather than turgid narrative.

Plot is the great selling point of any story - erotic or not.

 

[christiankay]

Thank you for your input, I know I have a way to go before my writing gets better, but I am trying, and will work harder. I have decided to slow down on the novels and doing some stroies from scratch useing some of the advice I have been given so far.

 

[_Lynn_]

Check out some of the writing exercises and challenges here.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thank you for your input, I know I have a way to go before my writing gets better, but I am trying, and will work harder. I have decided to slow down on the novels and doing some stroies from scratch useing some of the advice I have been given so far.

I think that's a good plan.

Lynn's link is good and the 'sucking eggs' advice is 'walk before you run'.

Your writing is not the problem, it's the plot and character development. Though short stories are, in my view, harder to write than novels, the discipine is great - you start in the story, strip out everything that's not pertinent to the plot and develop the characters 'til you get us begging for the denouement - conclusion. As Lynn says, try the toplists to get a feel. (No pun intended.)