feedback needed

[jeninflorida]

for my new story, "Sharing a hotel room"

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=279627

been trying to write better, and clean up my editing...also, found someone to help me with the editing!

thanks

Jen

 

[Proformer]

Great Story, Wish I was there

 

[richard_daily]

I enjoyed the way you made it sound like you were actually telling a story, and not just recounting someone else's. An interesting twist could be you telling it to one of your friends, or recounting it in some other way, and adding another layer on top of it.

The only thing I didn't find believable was it being Lisa's "first time" with a woman.. although I suppose she could have been embellishing.

All in all, a great read, and you didn't spend too long on it either. Just the right length.

 

[SweetErika]

Hi Jen,

You know you're going to get honesty from me, right?

This one's better, and I liked how it was a little different from the average stroker. I can tell you put some thought into making the plot interesting.

To be frank, though, I'm still having problems with the mechanics and I always at things like bra sizes, massive cocks and perfect characters because they yank me right out of the story.

I'm not sure what your editor worked on or if you took all of her suggestions, but this could really use a thorough edit for punctuation (commas and hyphens seem to be the main problems), spelling (e.g. it's 'yeah' not 'yea', which sounds like 'yay') and flow. There are a lot of little changes that can be made to make this more enjoyable to read and better than average.

I'll give you a couple examples below. PM me if you'd like another edit on this one or future stories - it's perfectly fine to have multiple editors and beta readers, as different people will catch more and have a variety of perspectives, which can really improve your story. In my experience, often it only takes one or two really thorough edits for the author to learn, and start working on, their issues.

Start:

What's up with this and the 'End of Chapter 1'?

As I become more experienced with life, the more I learn that every now and then one simple event can trigger a series of life changes. (I'll explain that in a second.)

Instead of telling us you'll explain it, you could just explain it. We're smart and will follow along. Also, it seems to me the whole story explains it, or I never saw where you came back, as promised.

Being a woman I do my best to stay toned, and yes, I flirt too. I love to show off my legs and even a little cleavage. Yes, I love attention just like the next girl. My family has been blessed with good genetics' as my mom gave me her firm 36c breasts and long thick hair. Hair can be fun and playful, to hide behind if you will. What I mean is that by having my hair long I feel like no one can see into my soul as I can keep my dark hair covering my face, and by playful I can change the color to match my spirit of the week.

'Genetics' doesn't need an apostrophe at all here.

In the Writers Resources, there's at least one great essay on why you should never use bra sizes. A lot of people will back out of the story if they see them, too, so you're just better off describing or leaving it kind of vague (I like to think: 'In this story, does it really matter what size she is, or would it be fine to let the reader imagine their preferred size?')

I felt like you were trying to go somewhere with the hair thing, but never quite got there. What are you trying to tell us about the character or accomplish with it? How does it add to the story?

Don't tell me what you mean by something, just explain it. Also, phrases like, 'if you will' are unnecessary. Read it without that and 'what I mean by that is' - does it still work? It does for me, a whole lot better even!

If this person changes her color to match her spirit of the week, she doesn't have long, thick hair, but rather very damaged hair. Realism is important to me as a reader, and comments like this make me question the entire story.

Lisa is a hottie and the men in our office lust after her. The guys always crack me up with their lame pick up lines. Lisa looks like she's the twin sister of Heather Graham. Lisa loves having her hair a couple of inches below her shoulders as her ex-boyfriend preferred her to keep it short. Lisa loves to flirt with my husband as she loves to show off too much cleavage around him. I love watching her, the way she will move, just enough to show off her firm breasts. We both the same size so I don't feel any jealousy, plus it's all good and fun. And I would love to see my husband expose her breasts one of these days!

Here's an example of another perfect character. Hot characters are great, but when they're all perfect, it becomes a cliche stroker in my mind. A little variation would add realism and interest. You want your readers to be able to sympathize and care about the characters on some level so they feel a connection to the story and have a reason to keep reading.

She loves to flirt because she loves showing off too much cleavage?

I highlighted the beginning of your sentences in this one because it's a good example of repetition that persists throughout. Vary the beginnings, use synonyms (there's a free program called WordWeb that's fabulous for writing!), rearrange and combine sentences, etc., to avoid repetition and boring your readers. Instead, you could do something like:

Lisa is a hottie who looks like Heather Graham's twin, and the men in our office lust after her. The guys always crack me up with their lame pick-up lines. Lisa has kept her hair a couple of inches below her shoulders ever since she was with her ex-boyfriend, who had a preference for shorter styles. She loves flirting with my husband, and is always showing off too much cleavage around him because she knows he's a breast man. I can't get enough of watching her; the way she moves is just enough to show off her firm breasts. We're both the same size so I don't feel any jealousy, and it's all in good fun. In fact, I'd love to see my husband expose her breasts one of these days!

 

[HornyVikingMN]

Sharing a room...

Jen:

All in all I liked the story - as others have said the plot is creative and took some effort, which I appreciate very much. The characters seem real enough and you had me interested to know how the whole story would unfold.

My thoughts on improvement, though, are these:

1) Don't distract me or waste your own time by including unnecessary details, and

2) Help me just a little bit more to get from here to there with a bit of transition along the way.

The unnecessary details are things like Delta Airlines and Atlanta - who cares what airline and where they connected? - we just need to know that they had a crappy day including flight delays and hotel snafus. I agree with Erika, too, on the bra size issue - it's really not important. Do we need to know why Lisa likes her hair a bit below her shoulders, or just that it is? (We never hear of the ex-boyfriend again, so why bother to introduce him at all?)

On the transitions, I think the story is just a bit herky-jerky. I'm not sure how we got from being forced to share a room to flirting, or from flirting to three-way phone sex? For my taste there just wasn't enough buildup, especially if this was the "first time" for both. Maybe the dinner is the time to set that up. Rather than innocent flirting, maybe they have more of a revealing conversation that gets both excited?

Again, I liked it overall. Enough that I'd like to see Part 2 when Lisa goes to their house for dinner. Keep writing!

 

[SimonBrooke]

Descriptions, perfection, statistics

Don't get me wrong - I liked this story, I thought it was an interesting and fresh new twist on a tired old story line. But Erika's crit is (as she says) very straight, and right on the money...

To be frank, though, I'm still having problems with the mechanics and I always at things like bra sizes, massive cocks and perfect characters because they yank me right out of the story.

Amen! Say it, sister!

There's a perception out there that 'men like bra sizes, women don't'. Frankly, this is rubbish. Quoting bra sizes and lengths or girths of cock or - worst of all, body weight - is just lazy writing. It actually doesn't matter in an erotic story what the protagonists look like. What matters is how each responds to what the other looks like. I've personally been experimenting lately with going completely minimalist on description, so in the last story I've put up here, Catriona, which is told from the male protagonists POV, my male protagonist never tells you what he looks like at all, and all he says about what the female protagonist looks like is:

"Tall, gracile, good cheekbones, wonderful eyes. Lovely hair, long, vigorous. Elegant posture."

OK, probably some people may feel this is going too far the other way, but so far I think it works for me. Seriously, when you look at a guy you fancy, do you look at him and say to yourself, ooh, yummy, he's 180lbs? The first time you make love with him, do you think, ooh, ecstacy, that cock must be eight inches long? Does it matter? Would you rather a partner with a nine inch cock who banged it in, banged away like a metronome for twenty seconds, shot his load and was gone, or a less well endowed partner who could make you giggle and gasp and moan for hours?

Again, men are supposed to be interested in outside appearance and women in more psychological things. As a man, let me tell you this is rubbish, too. Men are much more interested in what makes our partners tick - and much less interested in specific externalities - than popular fiction gives us credit for.

So, back to bra sizes. People argue endlessly about what the difference is between 'erotica' and 'pornography'. Here's a simple test: bra-sizes are pornography.

Erika is also on the money with her comments on grammar and punctuation. Listen to what she's saying and take it on board - it will help you improve your writing. For me, also, your sentences have a rather choppy rhythm; they're all of similar length and don't flow well. Try reading your story aloud; you'll see what I mean. Try to vary it more.

But, the main thing to carry away is, this is a good story. It's good because you've found an interesting twist to a hackneyed plot. It's good also because it's genuinely sexy. Don't be too downheartened by our criticism - if it wasn't essentially a good story, if you weren't essentially a good writer, it wouldn't be worth our while investing time in.

 

[jeninflorida]

thanks! for me i'm tired of stories where all the men are hung....this and that...and stories that play on sterotypes. Just wait till you read, "After the party"




yummy

Jen

Don't get me wrong - I liked this story, I thought it was an interesting and fresh new twist on a tired old story line. But Erika's crit is (as she says) very straight, and right on the money...



Amen! Say it, sister!

There's a perception out there that 'men like bra sizes, women don't'. Frankly, this is rubbish. Quoting bra sizes and lengths or girths of cock or - worst of all, body weight - is just lazy writing. It actually doesn't matter in an erotic story what the protagonists look like. What matters is how each responds to what the other looks like. I've personally been experimenting lately with going completely minimalist on description, so in the last story I've put up here, Catriona, which is told from the male protagonists POV, my male protagonist never tells you what he looks like at all, and all he says about what the female protagonist looks like is:

"Tall, gracile, good cheekbones, wonderful eyes. Lovely hair, long, vigorous. Elegant posture."

OK, probably some people may feel this is going too far the other way, but so far I think it works for me. Seriously, when you look at a guy you fancy, do you look at him and say to yourself, ooh, yummy, he's 180lbs? The first time you make love with him, do you think, ooh, ecstacy, that cock must be eight inches long? Does it matter? Would you rather a partner with a nine inch cock who banged it in, banged away like a metronome for twenty seconds, shot his load and was gone, or a less well endowed partner who could make you giggle and gasp and moan for hours?

Again, men are supposed to be interested in outside appearance and women in more psychological things. As a man, let me tell you this is rubbish, too. Men are much more interested in what makes our partners tick - and much less interested in specific externalities - than popular fiction gives us credit for.

So, back to bra sizes. People argue endlessly about what the difference is between 'erotica' and 'pornography'. Here's a simple test: bra-sizes are pornography.

Erika is also on the money with her comments on grammar and punctuation. Listen to what she's saying and take it on board - it will help you improve your writing. For me, also, your sentences have a rather choppy rhythm; they're all of similar length and don't flow well. Try reading your story aloud; you'll see what I mean. Try to vary it more.

But, the main thing to carry away is, this is a good story. It's good because you've found an interesting twist to a hackneyed plot. It's good also because it's genuinely sexy. Don't be too downheartened by our criticism - if it wasn't essentially a good story, if you weren't essentially a good writer, it wouldn't be worth our while investing time in.

 

[jeninflorida]

A new story just posted today, and I think the editing was better (still i'm sure that I have a lot to learn)....

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=282794

tell me what you think!

hugs

for my new story, "Sharing a hotel room"

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=279627

been trying to write better, and clean up my editing...also, found someone to help me with the editing!

thanks

Jen

 

[SimonBrooke]

Very nice

A new story just posted today, and I think the editing was better (still i'm sure that I have a lot to learn)....

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=282794

tell me what you think!

hugs

I think that's a well written and sexy story!

 

[RC1856]

new story

hey, i read your new story. I like the way it flows throughout the story. I only see one teeny-tiny flaw. The idea of suspense on whether or not the husband would approve of the wife's actionsculd have been just a bit more developed. Maybe some facial or body descriptions of th husband and wife towards each other? Overall I thought the story was pretty good myself I like it, nice one!