Feedback needed on series: "Better"

I read the first five or six chapters, and in my opinion, there's just far too much "telling", and no "showing".

For me, this makes it very hard to care who these characters are and what happens to them.

I'll try to explain. You start off essentially telling us that there's these two people and they have incredibly hot sex. But you don't show us why their sex is incredibly hot, just tell us that it is. You don't even show us the sex (until later chapters, by which time you may have lost most readers), just tell us it happened at some point, and oh, it was pretty hot.

With little by way of explanation for how they got together, or why they find each other attractive, and no real flirting between them, it all just provokes a big "so what?" from the reader.

Your chapters are very short, which begs for more development and description, meanwhile your paragraphs are (generally) very long, which along with the need to shorten paragraphs to help the reader along, also highlights the need for more dialogue, which is one of the best ways to "show" characters interacting with each other rather than "telling" us how they interact.

I think you could probably do with an editor or another pair of eyes to run over your story prior to publication, since while the spelling will get through a spellcheck, there's some missing words and literals here and there that will bug the reader.

Also, the changing POV is a little irritating to me, particularly with such short chapters. Although some people like changing POV, I would advise you just write from Andrea's perspective. I would suggest that your writing from her POV is already much better than that of the male POVs, although I wasn't sure whether that was somehow on purpose to demonstrate male difficulties expressing their feelings (it just came across as less engaging).

But, the main thing for me is that you need to show, not tell.

Introduce the characters, show us who they are, how they interact, suggest why they find each other attractive, show us a tantalizing glimpse of them going at it - and then we will give a damn that the guy can't express his love for the woman, and that the woman feels the need to go after another man as a result. And if you're writing about the woman being with the other guy, and show us how good they are together (rather than telling us), we'll start caring that although he can reveal his love for her, he isn't willing to break it off with his wife.

At the moment, you just seem to be very impatient to skip over the details, sketch out the overall shape of a story and get it over with.

I hope that doesn't seem too critical. I think potentially you've got some good story arcs going, and relationship tangles that could prove interesting if you just get a little feeling into it all.
 
Thanks! All of your points are very well taken, and most of them are things I've wrestled with and have improved upon along the way.
 
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