feedback needed on my 1st story......

[zerik77]

I recently had a story approved a few days ago. Up until now most of my writing has been to female friends sharing fantasies and scenarios with each other. This is my first attempt at anything for the general public so to speak.

I'd like to hear feedback on the content ect.... did you like? did it excite you at all? any tips? pointers? It's in the lesbian sex category though I intend to introduce a few other elements as I go along in the next few parts. Its the story of a college girl performing sexual favors (semi reluctantly at first ) on a school administrator. I plan on doing this in maybe 4 more parts I have kind of a rough idea where to go. Open to any opinions, feedback ect.........

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=453033

 

[_Lynn_]

I read it, although I was tempted not to after seeing the first sentences. But you asked for feedback.

Right from the beginning there's a tense change. You go from past to present.

The lack of punctuation continues throughout the entire piece.

Most readers don't really care how tall someone is. What they want is a description. Tall, short, petite, lean, heavy, curves, muscular . . . tells much more than 5'4''.

I found the piece unrealistic and flat as a stroker.

There isn't any character development, far too much happens in a small number of words, and the sex was dull.

A good editor can clean up the grammar and punctuation issues, but the piece needs far more than that in my opinion.

 

[zerik77]

Fwiw my story was edited by one of the editors here maybe it's beyond redemption I dunno. I guess telling the story in kind of a flashback wasn't the best idea. I know I need to work on the dialogue between my characters. The story was meant to be an intro and set things up for the next parts. The sex wasn't my main focus. Anyone else have any comments? Any positives?

 

[CWatson]

The main problem is that I don't really give a crap about your characters. Theresa is a cliche. Now, that in itself isn't a problem; we use tropes all the time. But the difference between a trope and a cliche is the question of how much attention The Writer pays to them, and how much effort s/he takes to rejuvenate this dead horse. You haven't done that. Blackmailed Student; ho-hum. That's your problem.

I mean, who is Theresa? Where did she come from, besides a "small town"? Why are her grades so low? What's she majoring in? Who are her friends? What extra-curriculars does she participate in? These are important things to know about any college-age character.

Now, I can hear you saying, "But those things aren't important to the story, because the story's not about Theresa, the story's about sex." And there are two answers to this:

1) They're important to the story because they're important to Theresa, and since she's important to the story, that makes them important by proxy.

2) You're right, it's not about Theresa; it's about sex. Again, that's your problem.

Tell me this, are you turned on by close-up shots in pornography?--so close that you can barely tell what's going on? "I think that's a penis, but it might be an elbow." For the exact same reason, this story is boring. I'll tell you a secret: sex, in itself, is boring. I mean, sure, the people having it are having fun, but everyone else in the world is bored. It only gets interesting when the people having it are interesting. If a black man had sex, would anyone notice? What about if that black man is Tiger Woods? The interest comes not from the act, but from the person acting it.

To make us like this story, you have to make us like Theresa. Simple as that.

Hope this helps.

 

[zerik77]

In other words you think I should have given her more back story? I had planned on giving more details as I went along the same with Shelley in the next chapters. I have a little bit of part 2 done that answers some of the questions you brought up. Though I see what you're saying that if the reader isn't drawn in right from the get go whats the point.

Maybe I should give it a re-write. In retrospect a multi parter may not have been a good idea for a first story.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

OMG is the very first line a run on sentence? Haha

Get, at least, the first line right and you have a shot, dude.

 

[CWatson]

In retrospect a multi parter may not have been a good idea for a first story.

Not necessarily. It just depends on you. My first story here was a multi-parter... but that wasn't my first published story at all, not by any means. I had more experience in general. Was my first-ever published story a multi-parter? I actually can't recall; this hearkens back to the fan-fiction days of my high school. Oh well. My point is, it's a valid option.

You're right to feel that you need to hold some information back for your remaining chapters. You're also right to say that, if not enough is given in the first chapter, you're wasting your time. In other words, you know what you're doing. You just, you know, didn't quite succeed in actually doing it right. You made a mistake. And so what?--we all do that.

On a practical level, what I would do if I were you is continue with your remaining chapters. Post Chapter 2 and make sure there's enough detail in it to hook The Reader's interest. This will compensate for the weaker Chapter 1. What you should not do is re-write and re-post Chapter 1. The reason you should not do this is because--I may be wrong here, so somebody correct me if necessary--re-posts don't make the "New Stories" list, which is one of your main ways of attracting readers, especially as a new writer. Improving Chapter 1 will accomplish nothing, because doing so doesn't take advantage of Literotica's built-in PR machines. Posting Chapter 2 will. Of course, it then depends on Ch.02's actual quality, but hey: you have control of that. You can work on it until it's good.

Hope this helps.

 

[Arethusa]

I'm new here myself, so I hope you don't mind me commenting

What struck me was that you start the story at the end of a sex session and then follow it with a fairly lengthy back story, so it really starts with a whimper rather than a "bang"

There are some great descriptions later on and I liked the conversation, but maybe you could restructure it so that you have a really dramatic beginning to the story

 

[zerik77]

I'm new here myself, so I hope you don't mind me commenting

What struck me was that you start the story at the end of a sex session and then follow it with a fairly lengthy back story, so it really starts with a whimper rather than a "bang"

There are some great descriptions later on and I liked the conversation, but maybe you could restructure it so that you have a really dramatic beginning to the story

No not at all I welcome the feedback. That's a good idea too. It hooks the reader in and creates interest in the main character(s). What I'll most likely do is proceed with part 2 like CWatson suggested (thanks for the advice BTW). I'll try work on the issues mentioned and see what I come up with.