Feedback needed before I write again

[Allexus_TN]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=41806

Here is the link to my very first story ever. Not just on Lit either. I've never written anything like this, so I'm really anxious to get some feedback on it so I can improve when I write another one. I would so greatfully appreciate anything you can tell me, positive or negative.

As I bite my nails....

 

[Fairytat]

Very beautifully written. I liked how you chose to focus on one specific event, rather then leading us up to your declaration. It made the writing tighter and the ending earned. I did have one problem with a simile you had "like sand fills air pockets in a jar full of pebbles." It was kind of abrupt and brought me out of the flow. Other then that, though, I really enjoyed it.

 

[Allexus_TN]

Thank you for your feedback Fairytat. Its things like what you said about making for "tighter" writing, that I needed to hear. And yes, I had some trouble about the first sentence. That got into my head and I wanted to use it badly. I just couldn't find a good way. Well..I learned something at least. Thanks for you feeback!!

 

[MaxSebastian]

Well, I really enjoyed it - a really good little piece. I think it had good pace, it was well-written and kept the flow going nicely with very few typos to get in the way of a good... erm... read. The sex was nicely varied, and even slightly unpredictable which is always a good thing. You're a fine writer with great prospects here at literotica.

But I think there were a few things to think about here. Firstly, you really seemed to miss a trick. The title of the piece was 'Secret Obsession', but I really felt you didn't quite make enough of that secret obsession. Sure, you don't want to have too long a build up to the sex in this kind of story, but I just felt you could have put a bit more into the whole pre-meeting anxiousness of the heroine, make her worry a bit more overtly - and you could have played off Bryn a bit more, having them talk about it. It wouldn't have taken much, either, but it would have meant that we would see just how important all of this was to her, and when she ended up successfully getting together with her man, it would all have seemed sweeter, more intense. The stakes would seem higher.

I think that once she had told him of her true feelings for him, he might have teased her a little to build up that tension even more. Then when we find out what we do in that final sentence, it would all seem more intense.

Another thing I noticed was that some of the dialogue seemed a little unnatural to me - but by no means all. The main one I recall:

"I don't want to come yet," he told me. "And the combination of the image of your lips around me and the exquisite feel of what you're doing is about to make me explode."

It just doesn't quite sound like what someone like that might actually say.

Other than that, the only real criticism I can add is that there wasn't enough! Write more!



Max.

 

[Allexus_TN]

Max,

Your feedback has been the most constructive I've had and I thank you so much for that!! I will take that type of advice into use when I write my next piece. Everyone has so far been very nice about my story, giving me the nerves to write another. Thank you for your help!!