Feedback - my first Literotica submission

[kencannuck]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=408162

This is my first foray into erotic literature. I've written some stuff that is fictional and slightly romantic, but not as graphic or satisfying as this piece.

All critiques both positive and negative are appreciated.

- Thanks

 

[michchick98]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=408162

This is my first foray into erotic literature. I've written some stuff that is fictional and slightly romantic, but not as graphic or satisfying as this piece.

All critiques both positive and negative are appreciated.

- Thanks

Okay, over and above the fragmented sentences and missing punctuation at the end of some of the quotes, it wasn't a bad story.

I say fragmented sentences, but maybe I mean incomplete...not really sure. I see them in stuff I read all the time.

Here are a few examples from your story: (the sentences in bold are the one's I'm referring to as being fragmented or incomplete.)

Her dark skirt showed shapely stocking covered legs. Black and white heels, long grey coat and the hat on her salon styled hair. A short veil obscured her eyes, but there was no mistaking her ruby lips.

I could see now that she was wearing a navy suit dress. The skirt hugging her thighs to the knee with a four inch slit at the right side. The jacket was fitted, and five buttons to the collar.

I nipped at her lip, moving my head further as her own fell back to give more access, and I nipped at her pulse point. Her aroma, a smell of vanilla, her own scent, and her perfume, with a spicy edge to its fragrance intoxicating me. I whispered her name against her skin again, feeling the goosebumps it generated and then warming them with my breath and tongue.

There are others, of course, but these are the examples. It's like you could've combined them with other sentences using a semi-colon or a comma.

==

"I'm not sure" I replied. - There should be a comma after sure

"I suppose you're right" I said as I attempted to relax into the chair. "Name's Rick by the way. Sounds like you've done this trip before?" She smiled and glanced out the window. "Family in Chicago, so yeah I've made this trip a few times. Always alone before, and it can be so boring."

The first part of this paragraph, there should be a comma after right. The second part, since it's new dialogue, should be a new paragraph.

==

Most of the stuff could be easily remedied with a good editor. Oh, the ending was a bit confusing, too because you referred to them as Rich and Bella but throughout the story, they were Rick and Isabelle. Same people? Yes, I know they're the same forms of their names, but it seemed inconsistent to me.

You probably could've used a few scene breaks in the story, too, but that's minor stuff. Near the end though, the scene breaks would've probably saved a bit of confusion.

I'm sure someone who can give you a more comprehensive critique will. All in all, I gave it a five when I voted on it, the fragmented sentences and missing punctuation didn't distract me from the story.

 

[kencannuck]

The change in names at the ending was supposed to be reflective of the time shift... the train and the clothing described fit the mid 50's and yet I was trying to tie things to a more current time frame at the end... more or less this is supposed to be the guys fantasy after watching the movie...

I had scene breaks in the original MS word file, but the formatting didn't transfer properly so I have to figure that out for future works.

Much appreciation for your comments and critique. Will help me with the next three projects already in the works

 

[michchick98]

The change in names at the ending was supposed to be reflective of the time shift... the train and the clothing described fit the mid 50's and yet I was trying to tie things to a more current time frame at the end... more or less this is supposed to be the guys fantasy after watching the movie...

I had scene breaks in the original MS word file, but the formatting didn't transfer properly so I have to figure that out for future works.

Much appreciation for your comments and critique. Will help me with the next three projects already in the works

As far as the scene breaks and formatting, for Lit, I usually just use **** or something. I don't center it or anything, but it gives a good indication that there's a scene break or a POV switch.

But, as for general formatting, here are a few good places you might want to check out:

Writers' Resources
http://www.literotica.com/storyxs/writ_stor.shtml

Basic Text Formatting 101
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=364905

 

[kencannuck]

thanks for the links. I figured out that WORD essentially converts a series of dashes to an html line break... so when you convert to plain text which the submission form likes best... it removes the formatting...

Now I know.