feedback much appreciated

[john_mcleod]

Hey

I'm looking for feedback on the first story i posted to literotica (i have two others pending, but so far it's the only one has been accepted)

about the story:

One Man and His Dog

it's a bdsm story with the focus on domination/humiliating with mdom, femsub - it's written from the mdom point of view, but very much intended for the subs reading pleasure

it's written in what i'm told is something between a 1st person and 2nd person narrative (with the two charachters being 'I' - who tells the story - and 'you' the focus of the story)

i have recenetly heard of the pitfalls of 2nd person, and i accept it is off-putting (i certainly don't intend to always use 2nd person, it was just a means to and ends)

BUT, with that in mind i'd much appreciate someone (or better yet some people) taking a look and helping me with my other weaknesses, whatever they may be

the story:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=76112

be kind, i'm new to writing, but don't be afraid to be honest - praise is nice, but i'm not just simply looking for a pat on the back, but to improve too

(although don't let that stop you patting my back!)

John

p.s. if you're still wavering whether to give me feedback, maybe i could sway you by promising you some cute naked pictures of a wild masculine, muscley beast

(cough, of my cat, cough)

 

[reohoko]

I tried to read it, I managed most of the first page.

I saw your other posts...

I really can't get into the whole second person thing either. Something about not being able to decide for myself. And I am into the whole B&D thing (not as much as some but more than others... ).

I think, there is a lot going on in your story that is VERY good, but it's hard to read in that format. I instantly respond with rebellion and "I would NOT do that." Even if usually in a story I would relate well.

Sorry I didn't rate it, I didn't read the whole thing so I won't.

 

[violent intimacy]

First, let me say I loved the story itself. I've written on this subject - male dom, female sub, pet play - myself (though none posted on Lit yet) and it's something I enjoy immensely.

Second - unlike a lot of people (apparently), I do enjoy reading second person narratives. That is, stories utilizing the "I and you" viewpoint. I write a fair number of these myself.

Now let me get on with the feedback -

You got the very first word wrong!! Truly told, this is something I usually do NOT nitpick on but it was the first word! You wrote "It" instead of "It's" or "It is".

There are signficant mistakes like the above throughout the story. I am not going to point them out one by one - just letting you know that they ARE noticeable and in some places, do detract from the reading.

Big oops? There is one paragraph where you mention that he removed his cock from his pants. I looked back, but I did not see any point at which he actually put ON his pants. He took a shower and put on his robe, which he then removed... and suddenly he had pants on?

I guess my biggest complaint is the way you wrote everything so unemotionally. IMO, second person narratives have to be slightly heavier then other types on the emotion to even begin to work. The whole "I and you" viewpoint gives you many opportunities to express the emotions of the participants, and it is this which pulls me, the reader, into the story. As it is, I felt myself feeling more and more distant from the story as I read on (I did finish it). It became too much of a "I did this, you did that" account, step by step to the end. Does that make sense?

I also didn't like the way you switched between using quoted dialogue and writing what they said into the paragraphs.

I tell you to eat up the milk one
vs
‘You want to cum, my slut?’ I ask

I think you should use one or the other, or at least use one most of the time and the other sparingly.

You definitely had all the elements I love reading about - D/s, pet play, anal play (teasing only-sigh!), pee play. That alone made me read to the end.

*now demands cute naked pictures of a wild masculine, muscley beast*

edited to add... this is my 31st post! I am no longer a virgin! wahey!

 

[the_bragis]

Hey John,

Congratulations on posting your first story. Isn't it just about the biggest buzz ever, besides the obvious?

I have to agree with what’s already been said, I think a lot of what's going on in this story is very good. The following is what I feel are aspects that may cause your story to rate lower than what you had perhaps hoped for.

You have chosen to write in the first and second person, and yes, that's really only for the most experienced writers, and even then many people will simply back click when they see this style. Most people find it's just so damned hard to read.

I’m still asleep but you’ve been awake for some time;

This is one of the reasons it's so hard. This sentence sounds kind of odd doesn't it? You can't really tell your reader you're asleep can you?

You have chosen not to use names, and this particularly in a first/second person story can lead to an over use of "you' and 'I', and that's repetitious. I don't know if this was just me, but I felt also that if I hadn't read your request for feedback I would've had to read half way down the first page to figure out who was who. You know like was it M/f, F/m, /m, or F/f? Of course I would have settled for any one them.

Writing in the present tense is difficult and sometimes awkard, second is most people's first choice, to read and write. To you credit, unless I missed something, you kept true to the tense, and that's not an easy task.

This is what else I noted as I read:

I tell you about how I like to squeeze your nipples, squeeze them so hard you moan, and while I do I softly flick one with my other hand. I remind you of the times I’ve bitten down on them so hard that I’ve left marks for days. I love to hear your moans as the pain and pleasure combine. I know you love it too

Throughout your story words are repeated too close together and that tends to jar an otherwise good read. Above is one paragraph that really jumped out at me.

Don't use brackets, it breaks the feeling of suspended belief you are aiming for.

Do use words instead of numbers. E.g. 11 - eleven. It's just tidier.

‘Hunny, are we not gonna do anything?’ You ask pleadingly.

Avoid using adverbs, they're not an author's friend. Pleadingly? No try for something more descriptive. '...You ask staring up at me with pleading puppy dog eyes.' OK that's not great I know, but you get the idea don't you? Adverbs are weak and should be avoided.

Watch those apostrophes. E.g. Masters pleasure, Master's pleasure. Things like that will really bug some readers. Oh and don't be afraid to use contractions. E.g. It is - it's. It makes for a smoother read.

I start... I whisper... I tell... I remind you... I order ... etc

violent intimacy pointed out that your story seemed 'unemotional'. I think here’s one area where you could have really turned up the heat with some sizzling dialog and colourful descriptions by letting the master tell us all about it. Perhaps too, the sub's replies and reactions would have been interesting. It would also eliminate a few of those 'I's and 'you's.
E.g.

I complement (*sic?) you, telling you how your hard nipples would look so pretty with some kind of decoration, a clip of some sort, or tassels, maybe even a piercing; I pinch them as I talk. I move onto your ass, playing with it, I squeeze your ass cheeks and tickle your hole. I let the tip of my finger in, and I inform you of how I wish I had one of those butt plugs that have a pony’s tail coming out, to make you look even more like my pet.

"Your hard nipples would look so pretty with some kind of decoration, a clip of some sort, or tassels, maybe even a piercing" I pinch them, and then move down to squeeze your ass cheeks before tickling your hole. I let the tip of my finger slide in, acausing you to gasp. "I wish I had one of those pony's tail butt plugs to make you look even more like my pet," I tell you.

*I think this should be compliment, but if I’m wrong someone here will certainly tell me. I saw a couple of others that I thought were perhaps misused words. Intermingle perhaps should have been intertwine. I also noted a then that I thought should have been a than, a sat that should have been seated, just little things that made me look twice, and you really don't need those.

Now on the most important part, the sex. This is where you have excelled!! It's freaking hotter than hot!! Bdsmers are going to eat this right up.

I would really like to take a look at something you have written in the first or third person, I think it could be very good.

I wish you well with your future in writing, you certainly have one.

Have a great day now,
Alex (fem)